Presenting Your 2013 Nightmare Emmy Nominations

Dreaming your Dream Emmy Nominees only sets you up for disappointment, so this terrifying glimpse into an alternate universe is actually uplifting, in a way.

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This Thursday, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences will present the nominations for its 65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards, and TV fans everywhere will be crying at the injustice of their favorites getting snubbed (pleasepleaseplease nominate Tatiana Maslany?). So while we're all cursing whoever actually gets to vote for these things, just remember this:

It could be so much worse.

NOTE: As the worst nightmares are those based in truth, every one of the nominees below is actually on the nominating ballot.

Eric Close, Nashville
Kit Harington, Game of Thrones
Jonathan Jackson, Nashville
Jackson Pace, Homeland
Chandler Riggs, The Walking Dead
Dan Stevens, Downton Abbey

The Emmys haven't nominated a child actor in decades, but maybe Pace and Riggs will break the curse. ("Hey, Dad! Guess what? I won an Emmy! Wanna play video games and eat cereal later? No? Okay! Hey, Uncle Mike...!") If only Once Upon a Time's Jared Gilmore had submitted himself, we'd have an annoying kid trifecta.

And sorry, Dan Stevens, but YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

Christa B. Allen, Revenge
Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey
Katharine McPhee, Smash
Debra Messing, Smash
Jessica Paré, Mad Men
Alison Pill, The Newsroom

Some of these ladies just didn't get enough to do to warrant any kind of awards consideration. Some of them are the weak part of a good ensemble. And some of them are Katharine McPhee.

Anthony Anderson, Guys With Kids
Jesse Bradford, Guys With Kids
Zach Cregger, Guys With Kids
Ken Jeong, Community
Paul Lieberstein, The Office
David Spade, Rules of Engagement

In this darkest of timelines, the Dudes Who Happen to be Fathers achieve a Modern Family-style takeover of this category. And just think of the injustice of Toby Flenderson winning an Emmy when Michael Scott himself never got one.

Jennifer Coolidge, 2 Broke Girls
Beth Grant, The Mindy Project
Jane Lynch, Glee
Catherine Tate, The Office
Lily Tomlin, Malibu Country
Betty White, Hot in Cleveland

The category otherwise known as Talented and Hilarious Ladies Who Are Totally Slumming It.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Client List
Jennifer Morrison, Once Upon A Time
Anna Paquin, True Blood
Piper Perabo, Covert Affairs
Ellen Pompeo, Grey's Anatomy
Tracy Spiridakos, Revolution

And you thought the real Emmys were bland...

Simon Baker, The Mentalist
Patrick Duffy, Dallas
LL Cool J, NCIS: Los Angeles
Taylor Kinney, Chicago Fire
Jeremy Piven, Mr. Selfridge
Ian Somerhalder, The Vampire Diaries

Piven's inclusion has nothing to do with his performance in Mr. Selfridge, and everything to do with his mid-aughts reign of Emmy terror.

Interesting note: LL Cool J apparently always wears a hat. See for yourself.

Rachel Bilson, Hart of Dixie
Selma Blair, Anger Management
Whitney Cummings, Whitney
Fran Drescher, Happily Divorced
Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa & Joey
Reba McEntire, Malibu Country

Actually, maybe Selma Blair deserves an award for putting up with Charlie Sheen for as long as she did.

Tim Allen, Last Man Standing
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Chris D'Elia, Whitney
Ashton Kutcher, Two and a Half Men
Matthew Morrison, Glee
Charlie Sheen, Anger Management

Too many of these nominations are frighteningly plausible. Too. Many.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
The Following
Gossip Girl
The Newsroom
Revolution
Smash

A veritable hate-watching smorgasbord.

Anger Management
Glee
Guys With Kids
Last Man Standing
Two and a Half Men
2 Broke Girls

All together now...

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