1. "I've got my book group tonight." – "I'm going to get really drunk on house red and pretend I'm fancy and cultured."
2. And "I just finished it today, actually!" – "I skipped from page 23 to the end on the bus here."
3. "So what did everyone think?" – "I did not understand this book, please explain it to me."
4. "Yeah, I liked it." – "I don't have anything constructive to say about it, but it was fine."
5. "I definitely wouldn't have picked it but I'm glad I read it." – "Natalie is never allowed to pick the fucking book ever the fuck again."
6. "I can't believe that ending!" – "I don't know how it ends, hahahaha."
7. "I totally agree!" – "I didn't read it but what you said sounds really smart."
8. "So, I personally found it really interesting that..." – "I am showing off because I both read and understood this book."
9. "Ohh... interesting point." – "I totally disagree but I'm not here to start a fight."
10. "I totally didn't read it that way." – "FIGHT ME."
11. "I mean it was fine." – "That was the worst effing book I've ever read in my life."
12. "May run a bit late tonight." – "I didn't read the book and I'm hoping you will be done talking about it by the time I arrive."
13. "Ugh it's been a crazy month I completely ran out of time to finish it." – "I didn't want to read this stupid book so I didn't."
14. "Shall we do a short one next month?" – "I'm not reading more than 250 pages."
15. "Did anyone see the film version?" – "I watched the film instead of reading the book."
16. "I WILL finish it though." – "I will definitely never touch this book again."
17. "Oh, I got a copy of the new Ian McEwan for Christmas, I'd love to read that next!" – "I'm broke and don't want to pay for a book."
18. “I thought it was a bit anticlimactic.” – “I rushed to the end and I’m not sure I followed it at all.”
19. “I read it on audiobook.” – “I probably zoned out during the big twist reveal and completely misunderstood the book.”
20. “It was a bit wanky, if you ask me.” – “A very obviously straight white rich man wrote this book about straight white rich men.”
21. “I wish there had been more women in it?” – “OMG this was suuuuuch a sexist book.”
22. “I guessed the twist like two pages in.” – “I had a vague inkling that something like that was going to happen right before it did, but I still feel really smug about that.”
23. “You can see that the author was really influenced by Joyce.” – “I want everyone to know (or think) I read Ulysses.”
24. “The writing was just really bad wasn’t it?” – “I actually started writing a book myself because I figured ‘hey, if this guy can do it.’”
25. “Shall we pick our next book off the Man Booker list?” – “I am such an insufferable asshole.”
26. “Has anyone actually read a book with GOOD sex scenes?” – “I read 50 Shades of Grey and was actually kinda turned on by it but I don’t want to admit it.”
27. “Haha, oh my God, I know! That book you mentioned IS terrible.” – “Ah shit I love that book.”
28. “So what should we read next?” – “For the love of God someone else pick a book because I don’t want to take the blame in case it’s bad.”
29. “I heard really good things about the new Ali Smith.” – “If we don’t read the new Ali Smith next I will hold it against you all for the next year at least.”
30. “Let’s make it an early one tonight.” – “I need to feel like I at least tried to be a responsible adult even though I’m definitely going to get sloshed at book club drinks.”
31. "More wine?" – "It’s the point in the evening when we descend to slagging off Twilight."
32. “Twilight is soooooo bad.” – “I once owned a Team Jacob t-shirt."
33. “Shall we do it over dinner next time?” – “We will keep meeting in shit pubs with no food and end up in McDonald’s after for eternity.”
34. “See you next month?” – “Let’s meet up in between and not even pretend to talk about books.”