This Tumblr Will Ruin Your Favorite Childhood Books And It's Amazing

Ever wonder what your favorite childhood stories would look like sexed, drugged, and rock 'n' rolled, up? Dirty Library and it's dirty-minded team has got you covered.

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Summary: A classic bedtime story to keep any munchkin in bed and away from the windows!

“No need for monsters under the bed when you have a book this terrifying to kids…” – Maria Dye, mother of three

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Summary: 152 books later, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield tire of teen drama and mellow the fuck out. Moving into the basement with a newfound passion for snacks 'n’ blunts, the pair embark on a new… chronic(le).

“Kinda boring, but I’d try it again!” – Jenny D, tween blogger
“Just made me paranoid. NOOOO thanks.” – Katie Elliot, book club member

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Summary: An educational romp regarding some of life’s toughest questions. Teaches the importance of paternity tests for parents of all ages.

“All i know is my baby daddy is NOT a dumbass bird” – Street Person

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Summary: Hard times force the whole Berenstein "family" back into the Tree House and the sexual tension becomes unbearable!

“A queer tale, and I might add, a bad one.” – St. Louis Dispatch
“Bad news bears! Thumbs down, way down.” – Harold Bloom

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Summary:

Who shat in my hat?

What is this scat?

Was it that damn cat?

He better not come back.

How did he get in anyway? Fucking creep

“A terrifying account of forced entry. Please contact us with any leads.” – Austin County Police Department

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Summary: A young man learns more about himself, life, love, and nature conservancy when he and the neighborhood tree develop a polyamorous relationship with the girl next door.

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He could tell it was going to be a total fucking bullshit hungover day.

He went to sleep after the party alone and woke up with a white smelly goo in his hair.

When he got out of bed, he slipped in his own vomit puddle and on his phone found photos of him passed out and tea-bagged from the night before and a voicemail from his girlfriend telling him he’d been dumped. And he realized he’d drunkenly gotten a tattoo of a guitar-pierced heart inscribed with the band name “Nickelback."

"Word to the wise: don’t get the pop-up edition." – Oprah’s Book Club

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Summary: A king and queen try everything to stop or at least soak up their daughter’s mysterious bedwetting, even pilling a mountain of mattresses beneath her each night, but sometimes the truth is not so easy to absorb.

"A wonderful bedtime story about a Eu-ro-pean princess." – US Weekly
"I feel differently every time I read this tale. It really Depends." – Sylvia McNuffle, adult librarian

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Summary: Young woman loses shoe, doesn’t give a fuck.

"Wash your hands before and after reading." – Chicago Tribune

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Summary: One woman, one bra, soooo many suitors!

“An uplifting tale” – Dallas Morning News

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Summary: The Big Friendly Giant is a love song that is tender and true. Broadway adaptation casting underway.

“A little rapey?” – Los Angeles Times
"Great beach read!" – Cindy Carslisle, Oprah’s Book Club Member

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Summary: George the chimpanzee experiments with a different type of banana.

"I don’t get it." – Local Mom

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Summary: If you are looking for action packed, this is not the book for you. Not much happens after page 2. Love scenes were tastefully executed.

“I put down the book feeling very satisfied, but not really remembering why.” – New York Review of Books

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A new army outpost on the prairie brings unexpected business to the Ingalls household and acres of laughs!

“Pioneer life sure sounded hard.” – Ms. Ratherbottom, first grade teacher

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Summary: A coming-of-age story of time travel and the love between a boy and his fabu-lous figurine.

“It’s gorgeous allegory of how Felipe Rose, a founding member of the Village People, got his start… I think…” – Los Angeles Times

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Summary: Where no razor goes, a secret garden grows.

“This book works as advertised! It scared my daughter off of puberty forever.” –Monica Simms, single mother

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Summary: Readers will be poised at the edge of their seats, asking themselves again and again, “Will there be enough room?”

"…Aggressive." – Chicago Tribune

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Summary: OFFICIAL HOME OF HORNIEST WARTIEST MONSTER COEDS... CHAT LIVE XXX WITH MONSTERS IN YOUR ZIP CODE. CLICK HERE FOR MONSTA PENIS LIKE JEREMY, RON. 78 GIRLS IN YOUR NEBERHOOD HAVE LIKED YOU ON SEXBOOK. CLICXXX HERE NOW FOR FUN WITH ME.

Plus one bonus one that actually makes the book 100 times better.

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Summary: A colorful and talented fish learns the power of individualism when he begins sharing his (piano) scales with the world, to great success. He later rocks with crocodiles, and is knighted.

“I think I seen that fish somewhere before” – Surprised Grandmother, mid-story time

All drawings/writing from the dirty team: Mary and Peter.