1. In 6 B.C., a triumphant, wonderful creature entered the world’s atmosphere.
Coming from a colony of planets far, far away, these sloths were seeking refuge. Their home planet had run out of tender shoots from an over-grazing species, the Sternflops. Sloths need tender shoots to survive and were forced to look elsewhere. Luckily for us, they found planet Earth.
2. All the other animals surrounded the sloths, gawking and making fun of how slow they were.
It hurt the sloths’ feelings at first but they stuck around: If there’s one thing sloths are, it’s brave.
3. For centuries, this ridicule went on. The world was not ready for the slow, enjoy-the-moment lifestyle the sloths championed.
5. This made the sloths sad, of course, but they would not give up on the unity between animals they desired. Instead, on July 18, 1612, after generations of ridicule, the sloths held a dinner party.
No one was excluded, and the theme was simple: Slow down and love everyone. It’s the sloth way.
6. The party went well! Even though many of the sloths fell asleep during dinner, the animals started to come around to the idea of sloths.
In fact, many of them didn’t know what had bugged them in the first place. “Taking it slow, appreciating your neighbor: What’s wrong with that?” one dog wrote in an op-ed piece the next day.
8. A few weeks later, evil King Jester* got wind of the sloths’ success and new popularity. Enraged with jealousy, he decreed that being sloth was illegal, punishable by DEATH.
*Name lost in the history of time.
9. The sloths had no choice but to retreat to the forest.
10. The sloths lived in trees, vowing to never leave unless they needed to poop and to throw an annual dinner party for all animals on July 18.
11. Unfortunately, no one ever showed up.
But that did not stop them: Every year, at least one sloth would throw a party in the hopes that SOMEONE would come and celebrate friendship and life with them.
12. This year is DIFFERENT. We finally got the invitation, and we’re making sure everyone knows.
(Melvin the sloth was in charge of sending out the invites this year.)
14. This week is about living life a little more slothfully, enjoying the moment, and maybe eating a few more tender shoots.
- Top legal scholars will be filing the 1st major lawsuit against President Donald Trump's alleged business conflicts on Monday.
- "Welcome to the movement": Women's March on Washington organizers are working tirelessly to make sure first-time marchers stick around ✊
- A mass grave in Mexico contained the remains of 56 people, many of whom went missing in 2010, authorities said Sunday.
- The New England Patriots are heading to the Super Bowl yet again. They'll play the Atlanta Falcons on Feb. 5 🏈