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The Story Of Slothsgiving

As told by a human.

In 6 B.C., a triumphant, wonderful creature entered the world's atmosphere.

All the other animals surrounded the sloths, gawking and making fun of how slow they were.

For centuries, this ridicule went on. The world was not ready for the slow, enjoy-the-moment lifestyle the sloths championed.

As a cruel joke, some especially cruel humans named a SIN after them: sloth.

This made the sloths sad, of course, but they would not give up on the unity between animals they desired. Instead, on July 18, 1612, after generations of ridicule, the sloths held a dinner party.

The party went well! Even though many of the sloths fell asleep during dinner, the animals started to come around to the idea of sloths.

In fact, many of them didn't know what had bugged them in the first place. "Taking it slow, appreciating your neighbor: What's wrong with that?" one dog wrote in an op-ed piece the next day.

A few weeks later, evil King Jester* got wind of the sloths' success and new popularity. Enraged with jealousy, he decreed that being sloth was illegal, punishable by DEATH.

The sloths had no choice but to retreat to the forest.

The sloths lived in trees, vowing to never leave unless they needed to poop and to throw an annual dinner party for all animals on July 18.

Unfortunately, no one ever showed up.

This year is DIFFERENT. We finally got the invitation, and we're making sure everyone knows.

To make up for lost time, we're celebrating ALL WEEK LONG, leading up to the momentous day.

This week is about living life a little more slothfully, enjoying the moment, and maybe eating a few more tender shoots.

Most importantly, it's a time to celebrate the internet's favorite creature, one that never gave up on us... THE SLOTH.