15 Dating Faux PaWs, As Told By Animals

First dates are nerve-racking even for animals. Here are some tips on what NOT to do to help you get through it.

1. Never, ever, under any circumstance, have your mom drop you off.

Just take the bus, man. Anything but your mom.

2. Don’t remind your date every second how well you did on the SAT’s.

You can talk about your accomplishments but no one cares about your SAT scores. Unless she works for the College Board, then brag away!

3. Try not to smother your date with affection.

If he’s a-yawning, no need to be a-fawning .

4. Hold off on bringing up extreme politics; it may make him do this:

Telling him you don’t believe in evolution on the first date might give him the wrong impression. Feel it out before you dive in.

He may want to do this if you do:

And you both will be stuck just having to grin and bear it like this:

But try not to be a creep about it.

5. Don’t bring up your ex.

That’s no fun for anyone.

6. Don’t be an ass to the waiter.

The waiter didn’t mess up your order just because you decided you don’t like it.

7. Don’t stare at her boobs.

This should be obvious. If you can’t completely control yourself, just stare at her butt when she walks in front of you. She won’t see. JK, please don’t do that either.

8. There is such thing as “too drunk” on a first date.

Order a few waters between shots and you won’t end up like this cat: embarrassed and alone.

9. Just order dessert if you want it.

No seriously. Just order it, damnit. Turn off that “shouldn’t” part of your brain and just go for it.

FREE TIP That last sentence should not be used as a line in another circumstance.

10. No onions.

But mints are a cheap and easy fix. Your mom would tell you that too and she gives great advice.**

**Except when she says its cool to have our mom drop you off. See #1.

11. Try not to laugh hysterically at your own jokes.

Laughter is a hard thing to control so if you catch yourself laughing too much at your own jokes, maybe try pretend coughing into your sleeve. That may not work so just try to keep your extreme self-love at bay for the night.

12. Don’t propose marriage right off the bat.

Marriage shouldn’t be brought up on the first date at all. It’s weird and presumptuous. Unless you’re in a Shakespearean play and must discuss her dowry.

13. Don’t stare at him blankly every time there is a lull in the conversation.

Pauses in the conversation are normal. Just take a deep breath, there’s nothing to panic about.

14. Don’t spend the whole time on your phone.

This may be hard to believe but your 20 twitter followers will live if they don’t hear about your life for a few hours. Turn off your phone if you have to.

15. Lastly, take a deep breath! He’s probably just as nervous as you are.

Even unlikely pairs can fall in love.

So there’s hope for all of us, even this jerk of a penguin.

But you shouldn’t push your date down. It probably didn’t work in elementary school and it probably won’t work now.

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