Do you love wine? 'Cause I love wine.
There comes a time in every wine lover's life when she snuggles in for the night with a bodacious bottle and realizes... Shit. There is not a wine opener in sight.
The last time this happened to me, my fiancé and I were on a road trip and stopped in a motel. We'd picked up some wine but didn't think to get a screw cap, and we were left to figure out how to open it ourselves. I googled "how to open wine bottle without corkscrew" and learned that many, many other people have experienced the same crisis I was in.
In a service to unprepared wine lovers everywhere, I wanted to check out six popular hacks to open wine without a proper wine opener. This is my journey.
1. The Shoe Hack
SO. This was way more difficult and very unsuccessful when I used my sneaker. I switched to a boot with a wooden bottom and banged away. It was very loud (I'm sorry, neighbors!) and extremely tiring, but I was encouraged by the cork moving little by little out of its home. Including a few breaks (hey, these guns can only take so much), this took me about an hour and a half, but it worked!!! I did lose some wine to the floor in the process. The cork literally flew across my apartment at the wonderful photographer, Taylor. He wasn't pleased, but hey, no one lost an eye.
Total Time: ~One hour and 30 minutes
Wine Lost: About one-fourth of the bottle
2. The Pen Hack
Total time: 30 minutes
Difficulty: 11/10, accounting for the emotional difficulty of not being able to do something everyone says is "easy"
Wine Lost: None, not even in my belly
3. The Paper Clip Hack
Total Time: 30 minutes
Wine Lost: None
4. The Screw and Wrench Hack
Total Time: 15 minutes
Wine Lost: Literally all of it
For your amusement, here's the moment I realized my horribly stupid mistake.
5. The Scissor Hack
Total Time: 10 minutes
Wine Lost: Around one-fourth of the bottle
6. The Key Hack
Total Time: 30 minutes
Difficulty: 12/10, again accounting for emotional difficulty of being told it would be easy
Wine Lost: N/A
Winner: The Shoe
My main conclusion, though? May we all have the memory to just pick up that dang screw-cap bottle of wine.
Note: I definitely should've worn safety goggles throughout this experiment. Be careful, please!