We asked the BuzzFeed Community for their most embarrassing dog stories. Here are the sometimes horrifying, always cringeworthy results.
1. The Political Activist
2. The Anxious Masturbator
"My dog is very well behaved except when he doesn't get 100% attention, he gets anxious and relieves said anxiety by masturbating with his mouth. I'm a dog trainer and will use him as an example of a well-behaved dog on demo-nights. On one of those nights, he got really anxious and before I could do anything, he humped his face so hard that he scooted all the way across the floor, slurping loudly while people dove out of his way. Needless to say I skipped the 'Your dog can be like mine!' part of the speech that night!"
—Jodi Beaulieu, Facebook
3. The Forward Pooch
"Once I brought my dachshund Coco to an after-hours work meeting. During the presentation, Coco jumped on the floor and...immediately started MOTORBOATING MY COWORKER. I mean, her little snout was down the shirt, between the boobs and was shaking back and forth while she made snorting sounds... Needless to say, I will not bring Coco to any more meetings out of fear she might sexually harass anyone else!"
—Lauren Opal, Facebook
4. The Marker
"While picking up a guy to go on our first date, he let his dog out into the yard to meet me because I'd also mentioned that I wanted to meet his dog. His dog sniffed me once and promptly decided that my leg was the perfect place to pee. My date watched in horrified embarrassment as his dog took a leak right on my leg. We've actually been dating for over a year now and his dog hasn't peed on me (or anyone else) since then! "
—Amanda Goodner, Facebook
5. The Mediator
"I'm not one to get easily embarrassed, but one time while walking my dog Bruno around our apartment complex, we started to come upon a couple who were clearly breaking up...I tried walking quickly by, but Bruno decided that pooping right in front of them was a good idea. So I had to stand there while this couple broke up, crying tears, the whole shebang, until Bruno's business was done. It's easily the most awkward I've ever felt."
—Thomas Cummings, Facebook
6. The Underwear Thief
"One summer when I was a kid, I had a pool party for my birthday. My friends and I came back in to find all of our underwear missing. I had a sneaking suspicion my Maltese was the culprit, so I went to check under the bed. She had a small hoard under there and was guarding it like a dragon!! She growled at me, clearly not about to give a single pair back. I had to hand out my own undies to everyone. NOT the party favor I wanted to give!!"
—Bella the Corgi, Facebook
8. The Seeing Eye Dog
"I tried to use my dog as a Seeing Eye dog. I grabbed her collar, closed my eyes, and told her to lead me to the front door. She led me headfirst into a carport pole. I had a huge bump on my head for days."
9. "Mr. Dependable"
"I do in-home parties with romance enhancement products for ladies only. One party was deep off a county road, no neighbors, so for fun, I put 'Mr. Dependable' (a suction-cupped dildo that’s about 7” long, 5” thick, and has testicles) on the outside of the front door. When it was time for Mr. D to make his appearance at the party I couldn’t find it on the door...fast forward to the husband coming home and calling their dog that had been left outside for the party. The dog comes running up with Mr. D *firmly* in his mouth. Hubby is NOT happy, but the dog is ecstatic and won't let anyone take it from him. Apparently, it took months before they could take it away from the dog long enough to throw it away."
10. The Sneaky Back Peer
11. The Tampon Fetcher
"My best friend and her boyfriend came over, and my dog came running downstairs with a used tampon she got out of the trash. If that’s not bad enough, she dropped it right in front of them like she wanted them to play fetch with her."
12. The Classy Picnicker
13. Aunt Flo's Christmas Appearance
"Right after I moved in with my boyfriend two years ago, for some reason my dog decided that my underwear was his new favourite toy. Not the clean stuff either — it had to be dirty, which is embarrassing enough in itself. Well, that Christmas we hosted the families at our place and I spent DAYS prepping. It was going beautifully, until my dog comes trouncing down the stairs with a pair of underwear I was wearing when Aunt Flo decided to show up earlier in the day."
14. The Vibrator
"One time I had left my house and one of my beloved pups found his way into my room and found the best chew toy ever, which, of course, WAS MY VIBRATOR. He proceeded to take the vibrator into the family room and chew on it merrily until my mom realized what he had and took it away. When I got home I went to my room and my mother comes in and hands it to me torn to bits and says, 'I think this belongs to you'...I wanted to die."
15. The Obstacle Course "Winner"
"I was very proud to take my corgi to his very first agility competition. When it was our turn, I realize he’s not by my side, so my eyes search frantically when I see a commotion outside the course. My dear little man ran off the course to eat an unsuspecting woman’s hotdog! He horked it down, then returned to finish the course. I breathe a sigh of relief that he will at least finish, only he’s not beside me for the grand finale. He paused right before the final obstacle to poop, and with that, we were disqualified. We exited the field, me in shame and him in triumph!"
16. The First Impression
17. The Stinky Cheese Thief
"Last year, I was having some important and high-up employees over for appetizers and drinks at my house, and one of them brought this really, really expensive French cheese. We had started off in the living room, and moved into the kitchen for drinks, leaving the food out on the table. All of a sudden, we hear this shatter and my shih tzu comes walking out of the room covered in cheese. He ate the whole damn thing and kept farting these really awful-smelling farts the rest of the night."
18. The Trash Can Lesson
"When my husband and I first started dating he kept a trash bag on the ground in his room instead of a proper garbage can. We had just started dating, so we were having sex…a lot. Well, the condoms we used went in the garbage as they should. However, his tiny white fluff of a dog named JD got into his garbage and decided the dining room and living room needed some sprucing up. He left the used condoms EVERYWHERE, which were later found by his sister…I hadn’t even met yet!"
19. The Pup Who Doesn't Care for Your Rules
20. The Runny River
"My husband and I went swimming in a river in our favorite spot on the Santiam River in Oregon. Crystal clear waters, and there is this pretty cool jump where the ledge is about 6 inches under water that you can jump off into a pretty deep hole. There was a family there taking turns jumping, and our 2-year-old yellow lab, Boomer, goes right up to the edge of the little jump ledge and takes a big runny diarrhea poop. All we could do was watch."
21. The Excited Yeller
22. The Secret Vomit
"I took my 70-pound boxer pit mix to the dog park on a somewhat warm summer day. He was drinking water and when he was done he pranced toward an unsuspecting man and projectile vomited water on the man's leg. As he proudly ran off, I pretended the dog I was petting was mine and that I had no connection to him."
23. The Wedding Officiant
"Our dog walked us down the aisle at our outdoor wedding last year. We got to the end and were about to hand her off to her 'date'/handler (my best friend’s husband) when she decided to pee right there at the 'altar' (really just space between two trees). I assume she was just conveying her blessing."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.