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The 8 Step Guide To Your First NYC "Delivery Service" Transaction

Because Weedster is just around the corner and you can't show up empty handed.

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1. Step 1: The Hook Up

This is it. Your friends dealer has reached out to you. You now have an "in". You celebrate your "in" by getting on urban dictionary to look up the word “Cop” and you realize that you are trying to do just that.

2. Step 2: Your First Contact


This moment is huge. The first words you will ever utter (via text) to your new Drug Dealer. You catalog through every episode of The Wire that you've ever seen and decide to channel a Season 3 Omar Little.

The internet, as always, will be your best friend.

5. Step 5: The Swap


This is the part when you actually give your address to a drug dealer. Every parent, every teacher, every school resource officer you’ve ever met is telling you to put your phone away and go fill out Grad School apps. But every Friday night, every Snoop Dogg song, every cool upperclassmen you've ever known is telling you that if you give your address to this person you will be high in less than 3 hours and that is pretty cool. Your school resource officer would be so disappointed.

6. Step 6: The Wait


Perhaps the single most strenuous part of “The Delivery Service” experience. You will go to the ATM and get cash. You will wonder if the people in line know what your cash is for. You will practice cool ways to hand over this cash. You may reference The Wire once again for this.


You will go home and play “pump up music”. Regardless of what you’re listening to it’s 100% guaranteed that you will try on several outfits in an attempt to look like the kind of person that has weed delivered to their home. Then your phone will ring.

7. Step 7: The Exchange


Your drug dealer is outside. You think for a second about inviting him in. But you haven't cleaned your apartment since your parents last visit so that isn't an option. You go outside expecting to see this.

8. Step 8: The Reward


Congratulations! You have now procured your own adult agricultural products and can at any point in your future do so again. You are empowered, you are strong, you are…. going to eat all the hummus in your fridge and binge watch The Magic School Bus on Netflix for 6 hours. Enjoy.

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