Living in NYC, it's hard to buy in bulk. I don't have a car, so I have to carry anything home with me. Storage in my apartment is a delicate ecosystem, one that requires me to keep a few dishes in the sink because I don't have the cabinet space for them.
So how did I end up with a 45-pack of toilet paper in my modest Queens apartment? Nature called. I accepted.
I was about to sit on the toilet for some, what I affectionately call "Timmy Time," when I realized there was nothing on the rod. I hiked my pants back up and headed to the bodega across the street.
It turned out the bodega didn't have any four-packs of toilet paper like they usually do. Instead, I saw was this giant, industrial-sized bulk pack — and I desired it greatly.
"I must have you," I said to the big bag of toilet paper.
The bodega guys laughed at me, the boy who wants to take a lot of poops, but after they saw the intense desperation, nay, deliberation in my eyes, they agreed, and helped fashion a giant handle out of tape so I could carry my large bounty on my back like I was a potty-themed Santa Claus. Although initially I was proud of my purchase, the walk home was a shameful reminder to my neighbors that I am human who produces feces.
So naturally, when I heard about the large toilet paper roll called the Charmin Forever Roll, which is only available for purchase online and is delivered right to your door (much preferable to walking the streets with what you're about to wipe your butt with), I was already fiercely on board, but I wanted to spread the good news. So I, a branded writer at BuzzFeed, at the request of Charmin, gifted the gift of the Charmin Forever Roll to everyone I know.
My girlfriend Rae, who lives with me, was not stoked about my bodega purchase. To her, toilet paper is one of the things you don't skimp on when it comes to quality, and the kind I had bought was...not that.
So naturally, she was the first person I wanted to present the Charmin Forever Roll to.
The plan was to surprise her by installing the rig in our bathroom without her knowing. Luckily, she was in our bedroom when I entered our apartment, leaving the bathroom wide open for installation.
Now, I thought, all I had to do was wait.
After like, five minutes of sitting patiently in my living room waiting hopefully for my girlfriend to go to the bathroom, I started feeling creepy about the whole thing and decided to go grocery shopping.
But as I left I was panged with worry that I would miss her reaction to the Forever Roll. So I conjured a text that, I hoped, would prevent this.
In hindsight, in an effort to not seem creepy, I somehow solved it by being infinitely more creepy.
In any case, when I got back she finally, reluctantly, went to the bathroom and...
Initial reaction: Perplexed into a fit of laughter.
Overall reaction: Womansplained to me the importance of soft toilet paper for girlfriend purposes, and deemed the roll to be an improvement on "The Bulk."
With one confirmed disciple of the Gospel of the Charmin Forever Roll, I felt it was time to expand the flock. The rush of surprising Rae with the blessedly big roll inspired me to reveal it to my friends in increasingly elaborate ways.
Rae's and my favorite bartender was having his last night around the corner from us. I bought some wrapping paper.
Now this is not a knock on Charmin or the blessed Forever Roll they have bequeathed me with, but I will say the thing is not the easiest thing thing to wrap. I'll admit I'm not the best wrapper, but to retain some semblance of shape required a lot of tape. Luckily, I think, the bow I bought did a lot of the heavy lifting on presentation.
Anyway, here's Joey's reaction:
Initial reaction: Plz no, not in front of the regulars.
Overall reaction: Being between jobs just got a bit easier.
My next mark was my buddy and former roommate, Justin, who had a birthday. I thought it would be funny to go to that party with a cake box, only to reveal that the enclosed cake, was, in fact, a gigantic roll of toilet paper. So I employed Rae's help to pull this con off.
Justin was having a small get-together with friends near our place. Rae and I spent painful amount of time beforehand deliberating how to believably hold a cake that is actually an enormous roll of toilet paper. Once we had that down, we entered the bar and it was showtime. Everyone gathered around the table expecting a piece of a delicious baked sweet. But instead...
Initial reaction: Relieved I didn't actually make a cake because he knows I'm an awful cook.
Overall reaction: Fondly rubbing face against the roll's softness, which is a thing you can't do with cakes.
I was quickly running out of Forever Rolls, but I still wanted to share the experience with my colleagues at BuzzFeed, so I deployed one in two of our office's bathrooms. I then created an extremely scientific survey for them to answer. Here are the results:
Question 1:
As you can see, most of my coworkers' first reactions to the Forever Roll were of comic joy, while a few were filled with deep respect for such a legendary item.
Question 2:
The next question concerned people's reactions to its size. More than half concluded that the Charmin Forever Roll was, indeed, "Chonk."
Question 3:
When it came to softness, it was a clear tie between people who believed the Forever Roll to be ASMR, and people who, instead, felt it was "floof."
Question 4:
Most people felt that the "bad boy" would last them about 3 weeks. To the few who think they can blow through it in a few days, go off.
Yes, the Charmin Forever Roll is, on the pillowy surface, a very hilarious thing to gift to someone, but I will say, the recipients of the rolls have all expressed great relief in not having to go out to their bodega and buy a four-pack of toilet paper, essentially admitting that they will be taking a certain amount of poops.
Pooping is not a thing we openly discuss as a society, but this, admittedly, bizarre week of my life has destigmatized the conversation of having A Good Poop for me. While I would not recommend lugging giant rolls of toilet paper around New York City, I will join Charmin in being an advocate for having a good one.
Treat your bathroom to some GIANT bundle of joy this holiday season with the Charmin Forever Roll, only available online!
All photos by Tim Unkenholz / © BuzzFeed
Design by Victoria Reyes / © BuzzFeed