The Odyssey: Limerick Edition

There once was a man from Ithaca...

Via lfla.org

There once was a man who would roam,

This man spent a long time alone.

Odysseus was his name,

Of immortal fame,

This is the story of how he got home.

He would journey through the abyss,

But he did not know that this,

Was a slight detour,

Taking ten years or more,

Too be honest it just took the piss.

His crew landed on a foreign shore,

Of lotus fruit they'd not seen before.

The crew ate and forgot.

Of their home and did not,

Think they needed to sail anymore.

But Odysseus said to them "You

Have a home to go it's true."

So they got on the boat,

And again set afloat,

Out on the ocean of blue.

They kept sailing but hit a curve ball,

When a Cyclops captured them all.

He ate some men straight a way,

(They weren't main characters - so it's ok)

And trapped the rest behind a cave wall.

And so Odysseus had to think,

How to escape Mike from Monsters Inc.

He came up with a plan,

Which could trap many a man,

He gave the Cyclops too much to drink.

The Cyclops was a pissed and started to cry,

When Odysseus stabbed him in the eye.

Odysseus was brave,

They escaped from the cave,

And leapt on the boat and said "bye!"

But little did Odysseus know that...

Mr Cyclops' dad was the god of the sea.

So he was all like "Dad...some guy's blinded me!"

Poseidon said "Really? Let's look,

You were stabbed? What the fuck?

I'll make his journey far from easy."

Next on their journey back to their homes,

They met Circe (NOT from game of thrones).

She turned the crew into swine,

Odysseus said "hey those men are mine!"

So changed them back into their human bones.

His crew continued sailing along,

When they could hear a beautiful song,

From women who looked like Britney,

And could sing like Whitney,

But they could have not been more wrong.

These were sirens. They were singing bait,

Luring men to a watery fate.

The crew put wax in their ear,

So they could not hear,

And so could keep on sailing straight.

Until they got to Charbydis and Skylla,

One a whirlpool, the other a killer.

It was a lose lose,

Odysseus had to choose,

So he decided to sail on past Skylla.

This is the bit that every man dreads,

Skylla was a beast who had six heads.

As the crew sailed past,

Six men breathed their last,

As she ate them, making six death beds.

Now Odysseus would have got home quite quick,

But Zeus starts to act like a prick.

He sends them back to Charybdis

(What is up with this?)

Conclusion : Zeus is a dick.

Only poor Odysseus survived,

(Just as it was prophesied).

His crew were dependable,

But also expendable,

Odysseus lives! (But all the rest died)

But Odysseus did not have a ship so,

He stayed for a while with Calypso.

She forced him to stay,

Although he would say,

"I need to get back on my trip so..."

Now Odysseus is a great teller of tales,

Which makes him quite good with the females,

He and Calypso had sex,

But it got too complex,

She wants him to stay but she fails.

And...ODYSSEUS REACHES HIS HOMETOWN!

And I'll give you all of the low down.

Many men wanted his wife,

Odysseus said "Not on my life!"

He comes home and shit's about to go down.

Odysseus and his son reunite,

It's totes emosh. And they plan a fight,

To get rid of the suitors,

Those scroungers and looters,

They plan their revenge through the night.

So Odysseus returns to his hall,

Grabs the suitors and slaughters them all.

It's gets really gory,

That's why it's a good story,

They all die in a homecoming brawl.

And thus this man of twists and turns,

Get's home. Odysseus returns!

It is finally home time

He and his wife get "alone time."

Odysseus is free from all his concerns.

And so this tale of woe and dread,

Ends in Odysseus' wedding bed.

Peace is restored,

But by now the reader is bored,

Let's just watch the film version instead.

By Homer xoxoxo