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16 Batshit Scottish Things That Confuse The Fuck Out Of New Zealanders

Kiwis visiting Scotland find some things find pretty fucking weird tbh.

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1. Are your weird cows in fact running the country?


Your hairy coos are shaggy weirdos compared to the ones we New Zealanders are used to, mainly because they just seem to go wherever they damn well please. Scottish roads appear to be cow playgrounds first, thoroughfares second.

2. And what have they done with all your sheep?

Flickr: volvob12b / Creative Commons

OK, we know you have sheep, but a daily commute though a woolly mob like this is comparatively rare in Scotland. For Kiwis, who come from a country with a 22:1 person/sheep ratio, this sparseness is a little unsettling. It's as if all the sheep are gathering somewhere and plotting something (possibly in league with the cows).

3. Why the year-round wellies? Is it something about Glastonbury?

Twitter: @sarahpuxty

Kiwis only get gumboots out for dramatic effect, e.g. if we have have to wade through a marshy swamp and we want someone to say, "oooh is that a swamp? That's brave, looks really marshy!" Scottish people puzzle us by wearing "wellies" in the heat. Did you accidentally superglue your gumboots to your legs? Strange.

4. How did you manage to invent everything in the world?

Instagram: @vpwilli

Scotland has given us modern economics, the typhoid vaccine, the television, and the flush toilet. Having said that, you guys couldn't roll down a grassy slope before New Zealand invented the ZORB, could you? Aye, you're welcome.


5. Yet you can't quite grasp the concept of a milkshake?

Twitter: @catsweet13

Hate to break it to you, Scotland, but writing "MILKSHAKE" on a bottle won't magically transform the contents into a milkshake. Your supermarket shakes don't taste like milk has been involved at any point. Although seeing your terrifying cows roaming of Scotland sheds a bit of light: I wouldn't go near them either.

7. And why haven't you erected a giant, majestic monument to your favourite beverage?

Too #cool for school in front of the L&P bottle yesterday... #Paeroa

L&P is like lemonade, but SO MUCH BETTER. Under NZ law, everyone must make a pilgrimage to have their photo taken beneath the giant L&P bottle in Paeroa at least once in their lifetime. People of Scotland, where's your commitment? Where's your pride? Where's the massive 'bru can standing atop Calton Hill?

8. No offence, but why is Scottish cuisine so unhealthy? / Creative Commons

You certainly love deep-fried foods. Although we're not really ones to talk. One of our favourite dishes is lolly cake: butter with condensed milk and crushed biscuits, mixed together with sweets, then rolled in coconut flakes (which makes it basically one of your five-a-day). Hmm, maybe we should deep-fry it too?


9. Your place names are pretty much the same as ours, which really throws us when we first arrive.


European settlers decided to use Edinburgh place names for a lot of the places in Dunedin. You’ll find George Street, Princes Street, even Waverley. Also, Dunedin comes from the Gaelic for Edinburgh too. WE GET IT, GUYS, YOU’RE HOMESICK.

10. And your accent is seriously hard to fathom.

Twitter: @fairlyoddgraeme

Your accents are incredibly varied, which we didn't expect. Also what's with your slang? You know, like "belter" for good and "cunt" for...well, everything. It's hard to understand, but it's also pretty amazing that you use swearwords as punctuation.

11. And tbf our accent gives us a bit of trouble too.

Twitter: @stacejarman

We Kiwis also have heaps of problems making ourselves understood. Our habit of saying "yeah, nah" doesn't really clarify matters either. Just as long as we never ask for a pen (pins), try to send a text (tixt), turn left, take the lift, or need to differentiate between a beer and a bear, we're fine. So, no worries then.

12. Why is your piupiu made of swandri, bro?

Instagram: @sgarvie

A piupiu is a Maori ceremonial garment, a bit like a skirt, seen on fierce male warriors. A swandri is a tartan waterproof jacket to keep you toasty in the brisk outdoors. So a Scottish kilt = cross between a woolly piupiu and a swanny just for your knackers, right? Please confirm.


13. And why is the world obsessed with what's underneath it?

Instagram: @toiariki

While most visitors to Scotland might giggle at kilted men while praying for a sudden breeze, we Kiwis have got way more chill than that. When Will and Kate were welcomed to New Zealand by a Maori dancer with a bare bottom showing his tamoko (traditional tattoos), the foreign press COULD. NOT. COPE.

14. Why do you venerate films shot in Scotland?

Film Four / Channel Four Productions

It's a bit odd to obsess over any attention on the silver screen to the point where the tourism board provides a map to the locations. You may not know this but the Lord of the Rings franchise was filmed in New Zealand. We keep it pretty hush-hush, apart from the hobbit village, the branded planes, the tours, and large range of associated merchandise. OK maybe we're just the same as you.

15. Why are Scottish folk so ridiculously nice? / BBC

It's lovely, don't get us wrong. But we usually travel to Scotland via London, and we'd just got used to NOT thanking the bus driver and now suddenly everyone's saying cheers as they get off? Uh, mixed messages! Where do we stand, UK?

16. Actually come to think of it, despite your baffling quirks we definitely wouldn't have you any other way.

Twitter: @FotoRabia

Ingenuity defines both of our cultures but Scottish grit takes it to a whole new level. Scots never give up. You guys don't just face obstacles head on, you deep fry them, and douse them in salt 'n' sauce. Well done.

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