13 Parenting Products No Parent Should Ever Buy

Avoid these stupid parenting products. You don't need them.

Helicopter parents get a bad rap. They are seen as overprotective, highly intrusive people who monitor every minute aspect of their childrens' lives and will do (and purchase) whatever it takes to turn Junior into a guaranteed success. But as much scorn as these protective parents earn from society, they are only responding to corporate America's gateway drug dealing. Hence, I feel compelled to make a public service announcement listing of the most insane, stupid, ludicrous and nonsensical products sold to anxious helicoptering parents.

Here is my list of the 13 parenting products no parent should ever buy.

1. iPotty ($39.99)

ctadigital.com / Via ctadigital.com

"I just wish I could find a way to have my child use the iPad everywhere. All day and including the bathroom"—said no parent ever. The good news is the genius designers of iPotty created a clear touchscreen protector to guard "against smudges and messy hands." Honey, what's this brown stuff on my screen?

2. Nose Frida: The Snotsucker ($15.99)

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Raise your hand if you have any interest in sucking the snot out of your kid's nose.

3. The Starling

indiegogo.com / Via indiegogo.com

The Starling slips onto your child and pairs with an app to track the number of words a child hears during a day or (if you've got a solid 90 years to spare) in a lifetime. The company claims parents need The Starling because in "today's world, it's easy to become distracted … by the never-ending stream of seemingly urgent tasks served up by technology." Um, memo to the good folks at Starling: Your product is an app. An app is technology. This is merely another distraction parents don't need.

4. BabyPlus ($199)

babyplus.com / Via babyplus.com

This company takes the nutty obsession of making your baby smarter to another level by beginning the education in utero. That’s right, the BabyPlus claims to help babies hit their developmental milestones earlier by mimicking the mother’s heartbeat. Well, I’m calling bullcrap. Why would a baby—one still in the mother’s uterus, within centimeters of Mommy’s real heartbeat—need to hear a second? It doesn’t.

5. MonBaby ($169)

kickstarter.com / Via kickstarter.com

MonBaby alerts parents when a child who was put to sleep on her back rolls over on to her front. One thing—if the kid can roll, there is no danger. When a baby rolls over and can’t get back it cries. Parents hear the crying and rectify the problem. Sorry MonBaby, your product is a waste of $169.

6. FridaBaby Fridet: The Buttwasher ($15.99)

fridababy.com / Via fridababy.com

OK, kids suck at cleaning up after a good poop. But that’s life, and a good bath solves the problem. Could you imagine totting around a mini bidet to shower your child’s butt in the public restroom at McDonald’s? Gross.

7. Tottigo's Pack 'n Potty ($39)

tottigo.com / Via tottigo.com

Speaking of the McDonald’s restroom, The Pack ‘n Potty is meant to spare the germaphobe the unpleasant task of going near the rim of a public toilet. So Tottigo created this senseless product to fit over the toilet so parent and child can safely avoid the rim. OK, wonderful! Great! Fantastic! One question: What are you supposed to do with a potty seat that’s now coated with the grime of 100 truck stop guests? Put it in your purse? I don’t think so.

8. The MilkSense ($199)

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As if new mothers aren’t already obsessing enough about feeding their babies, the MilkSense monitor measures breast milk before and after a feeding to let moms know how much the baby eats. Does it measure the spit-up, too? No one needs to unload $200 to determine if the baby is getting enough. That’s why the child visits the doctor on very regular intervals. Save your money, mommies.

9. WhyCry ($85.99)

tradeboss.com / Via tradeboss.com

I cannot think of anything that would undercut a parent’s confidence more than a device that claims to tell a parent why a baby is crying. This amazing gadget magically distinguishes if a baby is bored, sleepy, hungry, annoyed or stressed. Picture the scene: Little Jessica is wailing away. Mommy and Daddy are at a loss, so they quickly grab the WhyCry and learn their bundle of joy in—lime-green!—annoyed. Ok, now what?

When the WhyCry actually fixes the baby, we can talk …

10. Crumb Cap ($10.99)

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Babies are messy eaters. They eat, get dirty, and then you clean them up. No cap necessary. Would you want to wear that hideous cap in a restaurant?

11. Wireless Baby Infants Diaper Poop Wet Enuresis Alarm ($32.99)

I cannot think of one baby issue that is easier to detect than a dirty diaper. The funny thing about poop is… wait for it, wait for it… it smells. Bad. Like rotten road kill. I don't need a device to beep once for poop and twice for pee. I have a nose, and I am not afraid to use it.

12. Sproutling ($299)

sproutling.com / Via sproutling.com

If you’ve ever dreamed of putting your baby under house arrest with an ankle bracelet, well, dreams come true, thanks to the Spoutling. Not to be outdone by the MonBaby this device gathers 16 different measurements every second to help mom and dad. It lets parents know if the child’s heart is beating. I’m no cardiologist, but I’m guessing there are a few cheaper ways to figure this one out. The Sproutling can also tell a parent if a child will wake up happy or cranky. That’s OK, I don’t mind the element of surprise. Keeps me guessing.

13. Pacif-i Smart Pacifier ($38)

qmed.com / Via qmed.com

A hearty congratulation goes out to Blue Maestro for making the world’s first Bluetooth smart baby pacifier. In addition to being able to notify parents via their cell phone if the baby is running a fever, the Pacif-i is able to track the pacifier’s location and parents will be notified if their child wanders off. If parents now need a pacifier to monitor their baby’s whereabouts we are in some serious trouble as a society.