Wake up sweaty and disoriented, ten minutes before you have to leave for work wearing a Soroptimist Women’s Organization shirt your grandma gave you and those stained dELiA*s sweatpants you bought in the 7th grade (when JLo’s velour sweat-suit was a “thing”)
Grab a pair of jeans crumpled up in the corner of your apartment.
Do the sniff test. If they pass, throw them on. If not, Febreze® them and then throw them on. Same goes for socks. It’s quick, easy and saves tons of money on laundry! Also prevents you from having meaningful romantic relationships.
Grab a bag of Tostitos® “Hint of Lime” chips located in the “nacho supplies” section of your kitchen. If you do not have a “nacho supplies” section in your kitchen, stop reading this immediately and kill yourself*
Throw on that magenta puffy coat your mom got you on sale from L.L. Bean. Yes, you look like an overgrown toddler with a disability but it’s f**king cold and your self-respect is a gone anyway.
Jog down your hallway cradling the bag of chips in your arms as if it were a small child. Drop the bag: lose 12 points. Nobody likes crumbled up chips*
Jump on the subway. Push past the finance bros in Grand Central with their ill-fitting Dockers and “Super Cuts” haircuts. Start to laugh at them. Realize you are wearing a puffy L.L. Bean coat your mom bought you. Stop laughing.
Breeze into the office, mingle, check email, stare at that puppy desk-calendar you bought at Staples last week. Note that your desk resembles less of a “professional work-space” than the bomb-shelter of a confused tween girl.
Engage in an awkward run-in at the coffee machine with that guy whose name you can’t remember (Elijah? Enrique? Jamiroquai?).
Your conversation will go something like this:
You: “So what do you do?”
Jamiroquai: “I’m a headhunter.”
You: “Ooh headhunting!! Scary!”
Jamiroquai: “Umm… It means we recruit talent for companies.”
You: (blank expression) “Ah hah! Well… This coffee is really coffee today! Bye!
(Run into glass door, realize it’s a “pull.” Laugh uncomfortably, then swing it open and bolt down the hallway. Do not look back).
Lunchtime! Your co-worker is eating Tomato Cheddar soup from Hale & Hearty again (your favorite). It smells delicious, but unfortunately you spent all of your money at (insert name)’s birthday/holiday party/bar mitzvah last week, so instead you are going to eat this bag of lime-flavored tortilla chips.
Rip open the plastic bag with your teeth and put your dignity aside, (probably next to the puppy desk-calendar.)
Eat the entire bag of chips.
At some point you won’t feel hungry anymore. Power through this. It is an illusion. You are always hungry. This is who you are.
Soon your co-worker will ask if you’ve “done that spreadsheet yet.” Just act like you can’t hear them and point to the bag of chips mouthing the word “lunch.”
The bag is done. You’re filled with a mixture of shame and pride. You decide to call this “shmide.”
Write down “do yoga! :)” on a sticky-note.
Never do yoga.
That’s all folks!
JUST EAT THE FOOD
*OK, don’t actually kill yourself. It’s not good press for the blog. But do take a moment to look at your life and your choices and then do the opposite of everything you’ve been doing. Now proceed to Step 5.
- Unless you mix them with sour cream (but I digress.)
CONTINUE READING: Just Eat The Food
This post was created by a user and has not been vetted or endorsed by BuzzFeed's editorial staff. BuzzFeed Community is a place where anyone can post awesome lists and creations. Learn more or post your buzz!
- "We can never apologize enough." United released its report on the plane dragging accident, and outlined changes it'll make to prevent similar incidents.
- Republicans have breathed new life into their once dead Obamacare replacement and it may be enough to get the bill through the House.
- Sebastian Gorka couldn't make it as a national security expert in Hungary, but that's not stopping him from advising President Trump.
- People are calling the Trump administration's new "criminal alien" hotline to report how they've been victimized by space aliens 👽☎️