Step 1:
Wake up sweaty and disoriented, ten minutes before you have to leave for work wearing a Soroptimist Women’s Organization shirt your grandma gave you and those stained dELiA*s sweatpants you bought in the 7th grade (when JLo’s velour sweat-suit was a “thing”)
Step 2:
Grab a pair of jeans crumpled up in the corner of your apartment.
Step 3:
Do the sniff test. If they pass, throw them on. If not, Febreze® them and then throw them on. Same goes for socks. It’s quick, easy and saves tons of money on laundry! Also prevents you from having meaningful romantic relationships.
Step 4:
Grab a bag of Tostitos® “Hint of Lime” chips located in the “nacho supplies” section of your kitchen. If you do not have a “nacho supplies” section in your kitchen, stop reading this immediately and kill yourself*
Step 5:
Throw on that magenta puffy coat your mom got you on sale from L.L. Bean. Yes, you look like an overgrown toddler with a disability but it’s f**king cold and your self-respect is a gone anyway.
Step 6:
Jog down your hallway cradling the bag of chips in your arms as if it were a small child. Drop the bag: lose 12 points. Nobody likes crumbled up chips*
Step 7:
Jump on the subway. Push past the finance bros in Grand Central with their ill-fitting Dockers and “Super Cuts” haircuts. Start to laugh at them. Realize you are wearing a puffy L.L. Bean coat your mom bought you. Stop laughing.
Step 8:
Breeze into the office, mingle, check email, stare at that puppy desk-calendar you bought at Staples last week. Note that your desk resembles less of a “professional work-space” than the bomb-shelter of a confused tween girl.
Step 9:
Engage in an awkward run-in at the coffee machine with that guy whose name you can’t remember (Elijah? Enrique? Jamiroquai?).
Step 10:
Your conversation will go something like this:
You: “So what do you do?”
Jamiroquai: “I’m a headhunter.”
You: “Ooh headhunting!! Scary!”
Jamiroquai: “Umm… It means we recruit talent for companies.”
You: (blank expression) “Ah hah! Well… This coffee is really coffee today! Bye!
(Run into glass door, realize it’s a “pull.” Laugh uncomfortably, then swing it open and bolt down the hallway. Do not look back).
Step 11:
Lunchtime! Your co-worker is eating Tomato Cheddar soup from Hale & Hearty again (your favorite). It smells delicious, but unfortunately you spent all of your money at (insert name)’s birthday/holiday party/bar mitzvah last week, so instead you are going to eat this bag of lime-flavored tortilla chips.
Step 12:
Rip open the plastic bag with your teeth and put your dignity aside, (probably next to the puppy desk-calendar.)
Step 13:
Eat the entire bag of chips.
Step 14:
At some point you won’t feel hungry anymore. Power through this. It is an illusion. You are always hungry. This is who you are.
Step 15:
Soon your co-worker will ask if you’ve “done that spreadsheet yet.” Just act like you can’t hear them and point to the bag of chips mouthing the word “lunch.”
Step 16:
The bag is done. You’re filled with a mixture of shame and pride. You decide to call this “shmide.”
Step 17:
Write down “do yoga! :)” on a sticky-note.
Step 18:
Never do yoga.
Step 19:
Repeat weekly.
That’s all folks!
JUST EAT THE FOOD
*OK, don’t actually kill yourself. It’s not good press for the blog. But do take a moment to look at your life and your choices and then do the opposite of everything you’ve been doing. Now proceed to Step 5.
* Unless you mix them with sour cream (but I digress.)
CONTINUE READING: Just Eat The Food
Share This Article
