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The Definitive Ranking Of The Men In Twin Peaks

A town where everyone knows everyone and nothing can exist without being ranked on Buzzfeed.

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1. Special Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)

Via wordpress.com

Special Agent Dale Cooper was making observational skills hot a few decades before a certain curly-haired dragon had the chance. A man who knows good coffee and great pie using his life to getting justice for others? That's the best kind of man. Dale Cooper gives the impression of being a reserved and clean-cut individual whose sexuality is simmering right beneath the surface, waiting to boil over into a night of passion--or ten. Appreciate.

2. Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook)

Via welcometotwinpeaks.com

Bobby Briggs is a little shit, but a BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BOY. Bobby could either grow up to be a great guy or spiral downwards into a cesspool he would gladly call home. Thus, his allure. He goes after what he wants, and is very self-motivated, and I'm failing at coming up with nicer things to say than LOOK AT THAT FACE!!! Bobby is absolutely getting it.

3. John Justice Wheeler (Billy Zane)

Via cdn.fansided.com

UMM YES. YES YES YES YES. An honest and charitable businessman who is respectful and handsome and kind? He's perfect. He did break up my favorite couple on this show, but that wasn't exactly his fault.

Origin Tale: Fans were eagerly shipping Dale Cooper/Audrey Horne (Sherilyn Fenn) before Wheeler was unexpectedly introduced as Audrey's love interest. As it turns out, Lara Flynn Boyle (Donna!) was not cool with: 1. Fenn's amount of screen time and 2. the romantic arc playing out between Fenn and Boyle's boyfriend-at-the-time, Kyle MacLachlan. So Twin Peaks fans have Boyle to blame for permanent blue balls for a relationship that should have happened but also Boyle to thank for Mr. Eyebrows up there being introduced to the show. Allegedly.

4. Sheriff Harry S. Truman (Michael Ontkean)

Via ia.media-imdb.com

Sheriff Harry is the truest and most loyal of friends. He consistently uses his authority responsibly, which is totally sexy in an officer of the law. He won't be able to pick up on the clear indications that you are hiding a dark and dangerous past, but check those curls! Swoon.

5. Deputy Tommy "Hawk" Hill (Michael Horse)

Abc Photo Archives / Getty Images / Via assets.rollingstone.com

Not much is known about this hunky deputy, but he is one of the good guys so what more do you need? He's an eligible bachelor in Twin Peaks, a rare breed indeed because everyone else is cheating on SOMEBODY in that town. Hawk for the win.

6. James Hurley (James Marshall)

Via welcometotwinpeaks.com

James sure is pretty, but that boy is a MESS! James has no idea what he wants, and instead of taking time to figure things out and mourn the loss of his first love, he decides to hook up with HER BEST FRIEND and then some WEIRD SIREN-LIKE LADY. Boyfriend, you need to sit down and stop trying to "save" women because that is just not working out for you. I'd still ride on the back of his motorcycle any day TBH. That singing voice!

7. Big Ed Hurley (Everett McGill)

Via theredlist.com

While Big Ed is clearly one of the best guys ever, he and his nephew James both need to TAKE A DAMN SEAT AND LISTEN. It's hard not to feel obligated to take care of those you love or used to love, but their self-imposed martyrdom is slightly sexist. These men see themselves as solely responsible for the women in their lives--without questioning their qualifications to offer care. Nadine (Wendy Robie) needs professional help, not your damn cotton balls! Sneaking around on her with your true love is not fair to anyone. However, Big Ed's super tall and quietly manly and I like that.

8. FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer)

Via dugpa.com

Agent Rosenfield was introduced as a character who was a snarky s.o.b. unafraid to be openly hostile about having to work with anyone besides Agent Cooper. Eventually, he grows to respect and even love those whom he used to ridicule. Personal growth coupled with a smart-ass sense of humor? I am DOWN.

9. Deputy Andy Brennan (Harry Goaz)

Via img1.wikia.nocookie.net

Deputy Andy is adorable, but I feel like doing anything with Andy would be like taking advantage of an eager-to-please little puppy. Throughout the show, Andy grows into a more assertive law man while still maintaining the purity of his soul. Andy would never be into me, but I think we'd be great friends with light sexual chemistry!

10. Agent Hardy (Clarence Williams III) and Mountie King (Gavan O'Herlihy)

Via s1232.photobucket.com

These characters roll into town to suspend Agent Dale Cooper over a breach in professional conduct, but this picture looks to me like the beginning of an epic threesome. Maybe with me, maybe with Agent Cooper and I get to watch.

Whatever we're feeling, guys, no pressure.

12. Jonathan (Mak Takano)

Via braddstudios.com

Sure he's a baddie, but Jonathan is hot! He certainly looks very serious in this scene, in which he is stalking Jocelyn "Josie" Packard (Joan Chen). I'm rather disturbed that he was just credited as "Asian Man" for three episodes before being gifted a first name. On another note, Jonathan can sure work a newspaper! Jonathan all the way.

13. FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole (David Lynch)

Via i1232.photobucket.com

David Lynch gets extra hot points as the creator of Twin Peaks, and the man is already plenty hot. However, his character Gordon Cole is hard of hearing and the show plays that for laughs. I'm not into it. Oh, and Cole's brief romance with Shelly Johnson (Madchen Amick) is clearly a ruse enabling Lynch to kiss a beautiful young girl as part of a pointless side arc. I SEE YOU, DAVID LYNCH. I see you. And I would probably see what it was like with you, but as a pointless side arc.

14. Pete Martell (Jack Nance)

Via slate.fr

Pete is totally cute--look at that sly wink he's throwing you! Pete was an exceptional husband and knew way more about everything than he let on. People never suspected there was more to him than a love of fishing coupled with a bumbling humor. I know there's more, Pete. Wink.

16. Harold Smith (Lenny von Dohlen)

Via vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net

I'm not going to lie---I think Harold is mad cute. Like every other man in Twin Peaks, Harold has a lot of emotional baggage and mental health issues. I would be careful before getting myself involved. The ideal scenario with Harold would be making out with him while the doppleganger of a recently murdered girl sneaks into his house and steals something Harold finds extremely emotionally valuable from a secret bookshelf. This is known in agoraphobic circles as "Donna-ing." Erotic!

17. Jerry Horne (David Patrick Kelly)

Via dugpa.com

Jerry was definitely the hotter Horne brother. You would hit it, but only after convincing yourself no one will ever find out. I give Jerry props for rallying when his brother had that nervous breakdown. You might end up telling your close friends over wine one night. Maybe. I'm not judging! You do you. But only do Jerry once.

20. Dougie Milford (Tony Jay)

Via blogger.com

I'm not opposed to Dougie, honestly. He's cute, he's active, and he publishes the Twin Peaks Gazette! I wouldn't want what happened to his wife Lana (Robyn Lively) to happen to me, so maybe we'll keep it PG-13. Why not!

21. Judge Clinton Sternwood (Royal Dano)

Via i.ytimg.com

Clinton is pretty chill for a judge, and who doesn't like a man with a shoelace tied around his neck as a tie? I'm kidding, Clinton. I just said that because you are the kind of judge I feel comfortable joking around with. I would seriously consider locking lips with this guy, but we would ultimately end up chatting over some beers and watching Vikings on the History Channel.

22. Major Garland Briggs (Don S. Davis)

Via vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net

I find the Major's super high government clearance to be a turn-on. I am sure he has plenty of interesting stories to keep the conversation going. You could do a lot worse in Twin Peaks.

23. Dr. Will Hayward

Via ichthyosapiens.com

Doc could rock a sweater, never cheated on his wife, and is a decent human being. This separates the good doctor from most of Twin Peaks. Twin Peaks sets a very low bar.

24. Tim Pinkle (David L. Lander)

Via tumblr.com

Tim Pinkle wears many hats, but not in this picture! He is cited as being a dance choreographer, a home care salesman, and is most famously known as the town's pine weasel expert. You could learn a lot from Tim Pinkle. YOU could. I'm cool.

25. Johnny Horne (Robert Davenport)

Via ichthyosapiens.com

Until now, I had no idea there were two Johnny Hornes, or that they were both played by men named Robert. This Johnny Horne is my least favorite Johnny Horne, as he is indulging in some heavy cultural appropriation. Apparently Johnny liked Peter Pan a lot, hence the fixation on racially-charged imagery. Peter Pan was racist as hell, y'all. This Johnny is a no, just like any other bro I catch at a festival wearing a headdress. Those guys suck.

27. Benjamin Horne (Richard Beymer)

Via i1232.photobucket.com

I am not quite sure why half of the women in Twin Peaks has slept with Benjamin Horne. Money? Power? Handsome in a way I don't see? He's pretty awful through most of the series, and the only way to believably change him into a semi-better person was to send him through a massive mental breakdown. Too high maintenance for my taste. Would not do.

28. Dr. Lawrence Jacoby (Russ Tamblyn)

Abc Photo Archives / Getty Images / Via assets.rollingstone.com

Ugh, oh great, another creepy doctor crushing on his teenage patient. And those glasses! I didn't think anything was worse than transition lenses, but what is with adapting 3-D glasses for daily use? Hard pass.

29. Bernard Renault (Clay Wilcox)

Via i.imgur.com

As a Renault, I'm sure this boy (the one in the middle) is not a good guy. I cannot remember what he is being accused of here, but he didn't kill Laura Palmer, so he has that going for him. Plus, he's got nice hair, so I'm ranking him above his much older brothers as a maybe. Deal with it.

31. Mike Nelson (Gary Hershberger)

Via vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net

I liked Mike a lot better in the second season when he was involved with Nadine. When he was with Donna, he was definitely date-rapey. Mike is way too into the rigid performance of masculinity and this makes me think he is pressuring women to go farther than they want to physically on a regular basis. I hope Nadine taught him some respect. Personally, I'm not about that hair or that face or that anything. Firm no.

32. Phillip Michael Gerard/One-Armed Man (Al Strobel)

Via upload.wikimedia.org

There is more to this guy than his lack of an arm--THAT I CAN CLEARLY SEE HIDING IN HIS SHIRT --but what there is more of is a host of mental health issues coupled with a severe medical condition relating to his possession by an evil spirit. I'm going to go no here, but I do think he has a handsome face.

33. Andrew Packard (Dan O'Herlihy)

Via vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net

As Josie's pretend-dead husband, Andrew Packard does not have a lot of time to make an impression. His sense of humor about the whole situation was on point for me. I also would not be pleased to have been fake-murdered and my long-awaited dramatic entrance would be campy as HELL. However, I'm not going to bite considering what happened to Josie.

34. Mayor Dwayne Milford (John Boylan)

Via wordpress.com

This guy! This fucking guy! Dwayne tried to shoot his brother Dougie's widow Lana because he blamed Lana for his brother's death AND THEN had the nerve to fall in love with Lana. After he pointed a gun at her IRL. I'm not okay with any of this. It's not cute, Mayor. NO FO SHO.

35. Ernie Niles (James Booth)

Via blogger.com

Ernie was a gold-digging con-artist who somehow got lucky enough to marry super hot Vivian (Jane Greer) but was pulled back into his seedy ways with generous help from Hank Jennings. His whole character consists solely of complaints. No thank you.

36. Man From Another Place (Michael J. Anderson)

Via vinotology.com

His backwards-played-forward movements and speech are turn-offs, as is permanent residence in the Black Lodge. He is one of the more famous men in the show, if that matters to you. I respectfully decline.

38. Emory Battis (Don Amendolia)

Via tumblr.com

Emory was responsible for recruiting underage girls to work in light-to-heavy prostitution at One Eyed Jacks. He is not a good person and he will never be redeemed. Fuck off, Emory. Fuck the fuck off.

39. Thomas Eckhardt (David Warner)

Via davidwarnerfilm.co.uk

Thomas, do not look so damn pleased with yourself. You are not as smart or as scary as you think you are. You are a controlling asshole who needs to get that smug smirk smacked the hell off of his face. VOTED MOST LIKELY TO HAVE WOMEN MOVE HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD TO AVOID HIM FOREVER!

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