Here's how a typical player signing is announced in the UK.
#mufc has reached an agreement with PSV Eindhoven & Memphis Depay for the player's transfer, subject to a medical.
The transfer rigmarole in British football is a rinse-repeat formula of gossip reports and "Who are they?" news that settles into a nice, dignified announcement when the deal is done. Familiar. Repetitive. Yawn.
Compare it to how transfer news is announced in the MLS.
When you find out you're reunited with #bae in LA. #StevieLAG
LOOK AT THIS TWEET.
Look at how devoid of dignity and proper research it is. Robbie Keane was terrible at Liverpool, but despite that, the MLS was so excited about Steven Gerrard joining him at LA Galaxy they got someone to fire off a tweet about how he'll be causing trouble with him and didn't give a damn about deleting it, despite how ham-fisted it was.
With Financial Fair Play here to stop silly money being thrown about, the British transfer window could do with some sherbet-addled press releases to get us excited about signings again.
This is how fans do banners in British football.
Keys [ ✓ ] Wallet [ ✓ ] Ticket [ ✓ ] Laminated banter [ ✓ ] Dignity [ ]
Chelsea fans laminated their banter against Liverpool.
THEY. LAMINATED. THEIR. FOOTBALL. BANTER.
A grown man handed out, to other grown men, laminated pieces of card mocking Steven Gerrard, and Chelsea fans said, "Yes, this is an appropriate thing to do at a football game that will be heavily televised and photographed."
Compare it to fan banners found on the continent.
British fans might have a sense of humour.
But foreign fans are just impressive.
Foreign fans bring a sense of glamour as well.
In the UK, on the other hand, they punch horses.
British fans really don't pull off the elegant look when supporting their team.
The just don't seem to get it.
Whereas foreign fans seem to nail it every single time.
Matchday cuisine at the football in the UK isn't much better.
Especially when you put it against the half-time food served in South Africa.
Man of the Match awards in the UK are pretty simple.
SNAPSHOT: @MarcPugh7 picks up @SkySports' man of the match award for #AFCBvWFC: http://t.co/M6ExFsnvKU #afcb
As with many British awards, we opt for the quiet, humble handing of accolades.
Unlike Man of the Match awards in the rest of the world.
Javier Balboa et Fabrice Ondama désignés #manofthematch en compagnie de nos #fanofthematch #CAN2015
Orange had fans present Man of the Match awards at this year's African Cup of Nations, which meant we got spectacular images like this.
British team mascots are friendly and all that...
...but across the Atlantic, they have an IRL lumberjack laying waste to stuff.
Goal celebrations?
It's been 11 years and Daniel Sturridge still hasn't quite mastered a great goal celebration.
A team game needs team celebrations.
British football fans can make for a slightly intimidating atmosphere.
But you have to go elsewhere to get that really formidable stadium feel.
British referees are wankers.
But they take things a little less seriously around the world.
It's pretty conclusive. Football is just better outside the UK.
See you at the Copa America next month?
