When you're born and raised in a Jewish household, there are a number of things that you just know instinctively. These things mainly come from growing up around a loud Jewish family, and believe me, we train our young to see the world in a very distinct way.
Jews have their own way of doing things, as does every culture in the world, but if you're an American Jew and you grow up in either of the coastal cities the Jews tend to gravitate towards, you're bound to know certain things the rest of your gentile friends may be ignorant to.
So what do we J's know that other people don't?
1. Where To Find The Best Bagels
It's in our blood to love bagels, and odds are if you live in New York or Los Angeles you know all the best bagel shops like the back of your hand. You also frequent these places on the regular.
2. How To Make Jewish Penicillin (Or Know What Jewish Penicillin Is)
Jewish Penicillin is chicken noodle or matzoh ball soup, and it has been used by Jewish mothers the world over to cure practically any ailment. If you grew up in a Jewish household and you complained to your mother about having a runny nose, you could expect a heaping pot of this delightful nectar of the God of the Hebrews for dinner that night. And when you get older, your mother will teach you her recipe so you can carry on the tradition!
3. How To Dance The Hora
If you've grown up Jewish, it's extremely likely you've been to a fair share of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, and as such you're pretty much an expert on this traditional Jewish dance. Sure, it's not that complicated, but it's still a skill you're likely to pick up at some point in your childhood.
4. What To Order At A Deli
Your Jewish mother and father know where the best deli in town is located, and have taken you there throughout your entire childhood. So when you go to a deli, you know exactly what to get a good amount of the time. Whether you're a chopped liver person or a pastrami sandwich fellow.
5. What To Expect From a Visit From Bubbie and Zadie
When Bubbie and Zadie (or grandma and grandpa to the uninitiated) come to visit, you can always expect your mother to have a minor freak out in a mad dash to make everything perfect for their parents to get there. When they finally get there, expect bubbie to get bright red lipstick on your face and for zadie to give you strange advice you won't understand until you're older..
6. Have Impeccable J-Dar
J-Dar is a term I use to describe the phenomenon that all Jews are able to tell if somebody is Jewish. You just have this sixth sense in your brain that lets your J-Dar start pinging when a fellow member of the tribe is in your sights. It's creepy, but most of us have got this skill down.
7. Know All Of The Songs Sung At The Seder
Every year, Passover, or Pesach, is always one of your favorite holidays because you get to chill with your family, eat your weight in your mother's amazing cooking, and play games. Then, once the adults are drunk after the required four glasses of wine, you start to sing the songs. I can count how many times I've sang "Chad Gad Ya," "Mah nish tana" and "Dayenu" by the amount of years I've been alive.
8. That There Will Always Be Food After Services
Pretty much every synagogue you go to is more or less the same, only differing by the level of Reform or Conservatism of the temple you go to. But I've been to a dozen temples and been to services more times than I can count, and the one thing that I can count on is that there will be some kind of spread at the end.
9. "The J Connection"
It may sound crazy, but there is a phenomenon that exists, in New York and Los Angeles especially, called "The J Connection." This describes the phenomenon that if you're Jewish, and you were to meet a random Jew on the street, 9 times out of 10 you have a mutual Jewish friend or family member in common by some degree of separation. It's really creepy, but this is a very real thing, and it literally happens all the time.
10. NEVER EVER CROSS YOUR MOTHER
The phrase "mother knows best" doesn't even begin to cover it when referring to Jewish mothers the world over. You learn real quick when you're a child that your mother has the ability to be the most terrifying human being on the planet. She will bring the hammer of Moses down upon you harder than you can even imagine, and it never ends well for you. And man, can that woman yell!
So there you have it. Believe me, there are a ton of other things Jewish kids know, like the fact the Manischewitz wine tastes like grape sweat, or that the greasier the Latke the better, but if you want more information, consult your local Jewish friend. They're experts in these things, trust me.
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