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The movie would open with a long sweeping shot, not over the (American) football pitch, but over an asphalt playground, painted with netball and football lines.
We meet the protagonists as they sit cross-legged on the floor of the school gym for a whole school assembly. No homeroom messages broadcast over a Tannoy system here.
The cool kids meet up to smoke. Not under the bleachers of American High School fame, but behind the Portakabin classrooms set up in the school car park.
Our star-cross'd lovers would probably lock eyes over a bin bag full of rubbish as they suffered through a litter-picking detention.
The leading lady is probably in detention for rolling up her school skirt.
The hero is in detention for not having shiny enough shoes.
Nobody ever really sees the sporty kids because they're all too busy missing school to compete at the county youth championships of their chosen sport.
There aren't cheering crowds of supporters at school sports events. No marching band to speak of. And certainly no cheerleaders.
With no assigned "lab partners", teachers need to think of more creative ways to matchmake their students.
Not even the cool kids have cars, and everyone kind of hates the one kid who got a second hand Ford Fiesta for their 17th birthday.
Instead of a house party with punch and big red cups, the pivotal party scene in the British teen movie plays out over cheap cider in the local park.
The awkward abstinence scene of the American teen movie would be replaced by a scene of the school nurse dumping a bucket of condoms on the desk at the front of the classroom.
News gets out that our male lead was spotted drinking slush puppies at the shopping centre with one of the girls from the local private school.
But all is forgotten when our romantic lead graffitis a bus window in his true love's honour.
Unfortunately for our young lovers, the British school year doesn't end with a prom or graduation. There's no valedictorian and our heroes won't be crowned Prom King and Queen...
Lining up outside the exam hall with their clear plastic pencil cases, they exchange awkward glances.
The British high school teen movie ends on "Results Day". The camera pans through the school buildings. Kids are weeping everywhere and it's impossible to tell whether they're happy or not.
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