You're on the bus/train/metro/etc. to wherever you're going. There is one seat left; it's next to a cool looking person. You think, "I would be friends with this person if I were in a normal situation." You're on public transportation, this is as normal as it gets. "That's a cool shirt. I'm going to tell them how cool it is. Okay, don't screw this up. 'That's an awesome shirt.' Say it just like that, be cool." This is the normal process of making friends. You both get to talking and realize you're headed to the same place. You hang out with them all afternoon and become pretty good friends, so you stay in touch with each other. Everything is great! You both have a great time hanging out and become best friends quickly. You have sleepovers, brunch, nights out dancing and partying, and inside jokes about that one time they did that thing and OMG so funny.
You think you have found someone who could be your lifelong friend and your kids will grow up together and you'll live in a little complex that shares a courtyard and a swimming pool (you have to have a swimming pool!), so you'll never be too far away from your BFFLAAD.
But then something happens. You begin to see things about the other person that you don't exactly like. "Oh wow, that was actually really rude and mean, why are they acting like that? Maybe they're having a bad day. They'll stop doing this." It's harmless. You shrug it off; it's just a one-time thing. They won't do it again, they're your friend. How can they do anything bad? Everything is coming up roses. Life is perfect. Let them know that what they are doing offends you or just that you don't necessarily like it. Maybe they just don't realize what they are doing. Or maybe you took it the wrong way! Who knows with people nowadays, but definitely let them know, talk it out. They'll understand, they're your best friend.
Weeks go by. Something is very wrong now. Your BFFLAAD is not the person you became friends with. They are not the person who you spent hours with crying to Adele or eating mountains of pancakes with at your local pancake place. They are not someone you want to be friends with, they're just…wrong. How could your best friend be so mean? How could the person who will be your lifelong friend act like that? It's time to take off the rose colored glasses. Your best friend is toxic. Your other friends are telling you to cut them out of your life; they call your BFFLAAD the 'T.O.'. The Toxic One. Your mom is concerned for you and calls daily. What do you do? How can this be? You begin to doubt yourself, ask yourself questions, "Do I act like that? Do people think I'm like that since I'm friends with them?" You need to get out of this friendship, but how do you end it without hurting their feelings? They were your friend once, they were nice, and you want to spare them the hurt, because you know they are capable of being the person you were once friends with. "But they're toxic and mean, do they deserve to be let down easily? Or do I owe it to myself to just be happy? Whoa, this is heavy stuff."
You see articles on the internet about how to "ghost" the toxic people out of your life. "This is perfect. They'll get the message, and I won't have to face my fear of confrontation! This is what I call a win-win." You begin the ghosting process, but it doesn't work. They still really want to be friends with you. "Great." Cue the panicking and frustration. "How am I supposed to get rid of this toxic person, if they won't accept the ghosting? Don't they know their role in this little production of "BYE SEE YOU NEVER"?"
Here's the hard part of this article. You have to confront them. I know this is so not what you wanted to do, but getting rid of a toxic friend is like trying to get rid of lice; the lice never want to leave, and the process to get them out is smelly, sticky, and horrible. It, unfortunately, also involves confrontation. Confrontation is terrible and awkward, and usually involves some kind of horrible crying and snot bubbles. But mostly it involves hurt. It's the kind of hurt that you feel in your chest. It's sticky. It never wants to leave, and you feel it the entire time you're trying to talk to the person that you want to get rid of. I say trying, because no matter how hard it is for them to hear that they are not wanted by you, it is still hard to tell someone to leave you alone, especially if they were your best friend. This will probably be one of the worst moments of your life, but you owe it to yourself to cut them out. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to have great friends around you who support you.
There isn't really a guide for what to say to your toxic friend or how to do it. It is best to let someone know what is going on, a good friend, your S.O., your parents, a sibling, someone you can trust and who will help you through this. Let them know how you feel; how the other person makes you feel, include anything you think would be helpful, they can often see things differently from outside of the situation and will be there for you if things get really bad. Now, for the trickiest part of all: telling the T.O. This will feel like breaking up with an S.O. because they do not want to be left behind. It's tricky, but go in with confidence. You don't want them to guilt-trip you back in to being their friend or giving them another chance. You have given them enough chances. One option is doing it in person, unless you think they will be volatile. If they live far away and you can't see them in person or if you are afraid for your safety, call them. If you don't want to call, send them a text message or an email. This method can be helpful because this gives you time to form a coherent message and will give you more time to think of what you want to say. Especially helpful if you don't want to say anything too harsh and regretting it later on. They probably won't like being "broken up with" over text message, but you don't owe them anything if they are being horrible to you. You only owe yourself to be happy. The only way to avoid confrontation is deleting them from everything (social media, blocking their phone number, EVERYTHING) and never responding to them ever again. This may seem mean, but if they are volatile, this might be your only option. Ultimately, you will know what is right for your situation.
The process might take longer than you think it would. You want it to be quick, like pulling a Band-Aid off, quick but painful. This does not always work that way though. Sometimes it takes days for them to leave you alone and accept that you truly do not want to be their friend anymore, so it hurts like slamming your finger in the door, it's painful and throbs for a while, but it eventually stops, and you can continue with your daily life. So if you're reading this because your ghosting method didn't work, try some of these methods. They might not be as painless as you would hope they would be, but the pain doesn't last long, and you can continue with your life, hopefully happier than before. You deserve to be happy, and if someone isn't letting you be happy, cut them off. You don't owe them a thing if they make you feel any less than perfect.
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