1.Don't register for a 500 dollar breast pump and all the accouterments that come with. Contrary to what Breast Milk Nazi's will have you believe some women just CANNOT nurse and if that happens to be you, what are you going to do with 25 collection bottles, 14 freezer bags, pumps and nozzles and nursing bras and your "Breast Friend" two weeks later? I certainly won't purchase a used boob juice kit. Buy things as you need them.
2. Baby toenail clippers are so cute and miniature, but they're still torture devices nonetheless. I have learned it is safer to just use your teeth. If you think that's gross, remind yourself where the kid came from. Spitting out their nails onto the carpet is better than cleaning out a fingertip from your clippers.
3. Don't have a baby to save your relationship. A screaming newborn at 4 am will rip it to shreds. If you don't have a foundation, you're just two exhausted people forced into a small space with no sleep and a baby who won't stop crying. There is nothing more ugly than a partner who is sleeping soundly whilst you run the feeding marathon. Make the bottle, warm the bottle, feed the baby, burp her, re-swaddle her and hope she stays asleep having done the exact same thing two hours prior. You will begin to loathe everything about your partners REM cycle if you aren't getting one yourself.
4. You will think you're going into labor three times before you actually do. It's a sad combination of anxiety, wishful thinking and Braxton Hicks. The nurses WILL make fun of you. Oh well.
5. Roll your eyes at Gramma all you want, nothing else works on a teething baby like whiskey on the gums.
6. Instead of registering for the package of 10 brightly colored, orthodontic approved binkies with cute sayings on them like "ladies man", "my mom is hot", and "fart box" or whatever, register for a Kuerig. Kid's will only take the ones they give you at the hospital anyways, and when you are stumping around the house with one eye literally closed, you won't want to wait on a whole pot to brew. You want a cup, and you want it NOW!
6. After you have a baby, your teeth rot and fall out of your head. Everyone knows about stretch marks and extra baby weight, and some even know about the alopecia, but no one mentions the fact your dental health goes on a steep decline. The parasite in your womb steals all your calcium and you end up with more cavities and demineralization and worst of all, ultra sensitivity.
7. If you thought girls judged you on that dress you wore out for New Year's Eve, try joining a mom's group and whipping out a bottle of formula. Women are even more petty and catty after they have kids. You lost all your weight? You didn't lose it? You vaccinate? You spank your kid? Everything is a topic of malicious conversation when you've left the room to nurse your baby. You won't find a more judgmental group of women than those with children, because now not only are they better than you, but their kids are too.
8. Walking around with a rag over your shoulder is inconvenient. Just know from birth to about 6 months you will be covered in spit-up. Embrace it and wear it with pride. Why add to your already towering pile of laundry? And for the record, breast milk spit-up doesn't smell.
9. Speaking of laundry, buy yourself some Dreft. You don't HAVE to use it, but if you don't your kid will break out and look like a leper. The Mom Group will discuss it at Starbucks. Trust me.
10. When you have baby fever all babies are cute. Once you have a baby, yours is a special gift from God sent to Earth for all mankind to enjoy. Just remember everyone thinks that. And if you don't want other parents to hate you, keep the bragging to a minimum. Sticking their entire fist in their mouth doesn't indicate genius by any means. You kid is probably hungry. A-hole.
11. The mama bear instinct is real. Rawr!
12.Childproof cupboard locks are expensive. Rubber-bands work just as well and double as a homemade banjo for the musical prodigy.
13. As long as it isn't terminal you will secretly love when Junior is sick. They want to cuddle, they're sweet little angels and they sleep all day.
14. If you pretend you wish you had the entire jar of baby food squash all to yourself, your kid will eat it all because they love to steal anything that brings you joy.
15. Before kids, you might rebuke any and all behavior that reminds you of your mother. Religion for example. After kids, you become her and who is playing Mary and Joseph in the nativity play at church? Your two heathens.
16. Cosmo might try to tell you that even though you're a mother, you are an individual with a life outside of children. WRONG. Every decision, action, outfit, meal, and event you participate in will be done with your kids in mind.
17. You need unlimited texting, because after kids, phone calls are a thing of the past. Phone calls are when they decide jumping off the roof is a good idea.
18. Check the Sex offender registry in your area. You gotta stay creepier than the creeps! You will be shocked at the results.
19. Last but not least, you know how that first shower feels after being homeless for 11 weeks? Neither do I, but I assume that feeling of euphoria can be compared to a bath, alone, in an empty and quiet bathroom. Take as many as you can.
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