Stupid Shit I've Bought for My Dog in an Attempt to Earn Her Love for Me
A dog person's response to "Stupid Shit I've Bought for My Cat in an Attempt to Make Her Love Me."
I recently read an article by Erin Gloria Ryan about all of the stupid shit she, as a cat owner, has purchased in a desperate attempt to make her cat love her. I say "desperate" because we all know that cats are only capable of feeling disdain and annoyance with an occasional side of pet-me-oh-wait-I-forgot-I-hate-everthing.
If you are a dog person, like me, you may have had a hard time connecting with this post. Probably because you came home empty-handed to your dog today and your dog still loves you. My own dog, for example, is currently giving me googly-eyes from across the room as I type this, despite being recently asked to remove her head from my keyboard.
So in response, I present to you a list of things that I have purchased for my dog in an attempt to feel as if I somehow deserve her undying, unwavering love and support.
1. Rachel Ray Dog Food - Whichever Brand is on Sale and does not List "Corn" as a Main Ingredient - $13.99/30lb bag
Why: To keep her alive.
Dog's Reaction: Wild dancing and moaning at meal time, all while shooting grateful love rockets out of her eyes and into my heart, sometimes mid-bite.
2. Memory-Foam Bed with Removable, Washable Cover - $59.99 (Quantity - 3)
Why: So that she can have a bed in the living room, my bedroom, and at my best friend's house, and to keep her out of my bed and off of my sofa (because I'm allergic to her).
Dog's Reaction: She sleeps on the Tempurpedic memory foam king-sized bed and the sofa, depending on where I am, but will disentangle herself from my side in great distress and sleep on one when commanded to, never.
3. 17 Stuffed Animals from a Claw Machine - $15 in Quarters and One Small, Out-of-Court Settlement for Vandalizing Private Property
Why: Because that thing was RIGGED and I'm an Aries.
Dog's Reaction: Pure, unadulterated joy.
4. Stuffed Moose from Garage Sale - $1
Why: As an afterthought, because it was $1, and because I feel unworthy of her love.
Dog's Reaction: Dog gazed at me as if I had given her my first-born's placenta to snack on.
*Update: Dog loved the toy to shreds and tenderly carried its decapitated head around until it literally disintegrated.
5. Large Rawhide Bone - $17.99
Why: Christmas.
Dog's Reaction: 6-year old on Christmas morning.
6. A Cockatiel - Cinnamon colored transgendered bird with cage and accessories - $299
Why: As a companion
Dog's Reaction: Ok, ok, so I didn't purchase the cockatiel FOR her, but she nevertheless loves/tolerates the thing. This bird (hereafter referred to as "Floyd," who happens to be screaming mercilessly in her ear at the moment because he hates it when I use electronics) is Grade-A Annoying. I adore him. But sometimes I want to squeeze his tiny bird head until it pops. But the dog? She lets him pull her fur out (see: grooming), bite her toenails (see: pedicure), ride her around the house (even though he can fly), and generally be an obnoxious younger sibling. She's never once tried to eat him and seems to actually enjoy his company all because she knows I love him.
7. Plasma - $1,500
Why: Mouse poison.
Dog's Reaction: *She lived.
*Even though she was so inconsolable at being away from us at the animal hospital that we were, unprecedentedly, allowed to stay the night and have visits with her every few hours.
8. Microfiber Blankets - $22.99
Why: Because while she shows genuine love and excitement for everything I give her, she appears to love the microfiber blankets I purchase for myself infinitesimally more and I want her to know I notice the small things.
Dog's Reaction: Covers me in kisses reassuring me that she appreciates that I notice the
small things.
9. Storage Container for Her Dog Food that She Doesn't Actually Use, It Just Stores Her Dog Food - $18.99
Why: To store her dog food.
Dog's Reaction: Unbridled, unprecedented gratitude and happiness.
10. Dog Treats - $5.43
Why: To hide medicine in and because the vet said she could stand to gain a few pounds.
Dog's Reaction: Swallowed whole, while looking at me as if I had just risen from the dead and given her an antelope carcass.
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