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73 Thoughts I Had Watching “Star Wars: Episode VI” For The First Time

I watched Episodes IV and V this week and this is the last one. The trilogy is finally complete.

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1. Vader arrives like he's Miranda Priestly and everyone is like, "It's SHOWTIME."

2. Luke wants to get Han back from Jabba. I hope he has a good plan because asking nicely doesn't seem to be working.

3. Jabba's cave is like a terrifying, haunted house

4. Robots can feel pain? How?

5. Poor green slave girl. I'm sure no one will miss her but I'm like, what's her story? Where did she come from?

6. I'm new to these movies but I'm pretty sure if Han, Chewie, Leia, 3PO, R2, and Lando are all in the same place, a plan is brewing!

7. The more I look at Jabba, the more I think he looks like the poop emoji.


8. Who's trying to free Han? My money is on Leia. Oh yup! I was right.

9. Han is no longer frozen in artwork, which is great but his breath tho.

10. Well that didn't work out.

11. C3PO - " I can't bear to watch." Me too. That tongue. Poor Leia is getting tongue harassed.


12. Chewie and Han are reunited. You know what that means. The Bromance is back.

13. Luke walked in to Jabba's place like the boss ass Jedi master he is.

Lucasfilm / Via

14. So this is the infamous slave girl Leia costume that launched a thousand masturbatory sessions?


15. Luke is all confident and cocky now. Except for that time he trusted in the force but still ended up falling through the trap door. Whoops.

16. Oh look. Another terrifying creature. Just when I though Jabba was ugly one.

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17. Oh the old chicken bone trick.

18. Luke defeated that ugly beast like, "I do this every day. Don't fuck with me."

19. This dad-bod hairy mofo is actually crying. He is very upset about the monster getting killed.

20. Looks like Han, Luke, and Chewie are going to be exiled into the belly of a beast.

21. Using R2 as a bar cart. Genius idea.

22. "You're gonna die here too." Ha! Han is the only person with a sense of humor.

23. This sand creature is like Audrey 2 in Little Shop of Horrors. Could this be where she came from?

24. Well Luke just saved the day! This fight sequence is the best thing I've seen in any of these movies.

25. Leia strangled that turd like a boss.

26. Time to peace out. Out with a bang. The Scooby gang knows how to save the day.

Lucasfilm / Via

27. The Emperor is here. Vader and The Emperor are like, "Luke is going to join us soon." Maniacal laugh.

28. Yoda is almost 900 years old. He looks good. I wonder what kind of eye cream he uses.

29. Yoda says Luke doesn't need more training but he won't really be a Jedi until he confronts his dad.

30. How convenient that Luke arrives just in time to see Yoda die/disappear.

31. Another Skywalker? Luke must be like, mind = blown.

32. Storytime. Obi-Wan is telling Luke the story of his father. Papa Skywalker sounds like a real dick.

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33. Luke says he can't kill his own father. Read Oedipus Rex, bro.

34. Luke find out he has a twin sister. Immediately he knows it's Leia. So the force makes people smart too?

35. The rebels need to deactivate the shield to blow up the Death Star. Sounds like nothing could go wrong.

36. Boys and their cars. The Fall-cun is going to be ok, Han.

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37. Luke is headed right for these guys. The Emperor and Vader are like, "Please do come in."

38. Fly casual. What does that even mean?

39. In the forests of Rivendell, Leia is flying the most awesome mid-air motorcycle. I think I love her.

40. Did they all just leave Leia behind? Idiots.

41. Oh look it's Alf. Oh no? Not Alf. An Ewok. A friend told me that. I have no idea what an Ewok is.


42. What was The Emperor doing sitting in that chair looking into space? This is like Thanos all over again.

43. Now Luke and team are caught in a net. These people are terrible at rescue missions.

44. A civilization that worships a mean, racist jerk like 3PO? I think we found Donald Trump's new planet. NASA, where you at?

45. I mean, who doesn't want to take a bite out of a young Harrison Ford? Am I right?

46. Storytime with C3PO. Free sound effects. Pull up a chair.

47. Luke and Leia are exchanging mom stories. Leia knows Luke is her brother, somehow. I bet she regrets that kiss now.

Lucasfilm / Via

48. Han looks ridiculous when he's jealous. He's way way too cool for that.

49. Luke calls his dad Anakin and Vader is like, "Don't call me by my first name, boy."

50. Luke is like, "I know there's good in you, dad!" And Vader is like, "Cut the shit, son."

51. Luke thinks The Emperor is overconfident. But like most bad guys do, he announces his master plan. Classic mistake.

52. Lando is smart enough to know that this whole thing is a trap. Fall back.

53. The Emperor is like, "Give in to hate. Join the Plastics."

54. Attack of the Ewoks.

55. LOL. The Ewoks tried to trip the machine and ended up getting dragged along.

56. The Death Star is fully operational = We are so fucked.

57. Burnt teddy bear smell must be awful.

58. I've seen at least 2 more POC in this movie. Nice!

59. The Emperor likes to watch. He's like I'm going to enjoy watching you fight your dad.

Lucasfilm / Via

60. When Han tells Leia that he loves her, I'm like aaaawwww.

61. What does Vader gain by fighting Luke?

62. Luke's feelings betrayed him. Way to go, Luke! Why were you even thinking about Leia during a fight?

63. Everyone's hands are coming off.

Lucasfilm / Via

64. With Vader down, The Emperor is like, "take your father's place -- by my side." These bros ain't loyal.

65. Yay for Han and the team of rebels blowing up the shield. Can we kill these bitches now?

66. So The Emperor is tazing Luke and Vader is like, "Nobody puts his hands on my kids but me."

67. Vader kills the Emperor, the strongest dude in the galaxy by picking him up? Um ok.

68. The Star Destroyer is no more. The rebels actually did it!

69. Like Phantom of the Opera, I want to see Vader behind the mask. Oh. Damn.

70. This father and son moment is so touching, but all I can think of is why didn't he disappear when he died like everyone else?

71. Dear Lando, "Yee haw!" Really, bro?

72. Han is like, "Omg you like Luke more than me." And Leia is like, "Yea but not like Cersei or anything."

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73. Luke sends his dad off in a funeral pyre. Now time to party!

Ok so final verdict? After watching episodes 4 and 5, these movies were ok but I can see how a kid in the late 70s and early 80s just LOVED it. Also, Han Solo will always be the sexiest pilot in the galaxy!

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