16 Year Journey of Friendship
And there we were... Dressed up in small, poofy 90's dresses, with frilly socks and curly hair. I was smiling, although slightly scared about all of the kids surrounding me. I looked around for someone I could find comfort in. There she was, little blonde pony tail, dressed like a high fashion diva, with the maddest face I have ever seen. She was so cute yet she also looked like she wanted to punch every preschooler. Little did we know, that day was the start of Kaly and I's lifelong adventure.
Elementary school, Kaly and I had a couple of the same teachers and the same friends. At first we had play dates with a few other girls, but soon after, we found more fun when we were just by ourselves. I remember spending so many afternoons at her house, lining up Polly Pockets all around her pole table and playing for hours. Her mom would make us mac-n-cheese (as I would never eat anything else) and we would always have a glass of chocolate milk by our sides. Birthday parties, field trips, and sleepovers were our weekly adventures. We would write in our Lisa Frank diaries about the fun memories and inside jokes we had, and I will never forget always writing each other down as our "BFF". She was my first best friend and nothing made me happier than to hear her tell me that I was in her "top" BFF's, too.
We had many other friends throughout elementary school, but there were only a few that stuck around. By fourth grade, she introduced to me her two other BFF's, Brittany and Julie. Once I met them, I realized that they too would become one of my BFF's. Anything or anyone Kaly liked, I felt as though I would like, too. I was absolutely right. Soon after we were introduced, we became an inseparable group.
By the start of middle school, us four became a power group- there was no weekend that went by without us being together. School dances, football games, shopping, sleepovers, and talking about boys consumed our lives, with of course, tons of disposable cameras to capture each moment. We spent days scrapbooking on Julie's living room floor and spent nights up until 5:00am just laughing about nonsense, as most early teenagers did. We matched at the school dances and showed off our choreographed routines. We took pictures with our "crushes" and talked for hours about who loves who more. We probably ate 5,000 bags of doritos and drank at least 15,000 capri suns. We never fought- if anything, we bickered about which flavor freeze pop we wanted or which restaurant we would go to after the dances. We lived, we laughed, and we loved. You did not see one of us without the other.
Highschool was no different, except there were more "boys" in our conversations, more friends at our sleepovers, and digital cameras took over our lives. We spent even more time together, as we all started to drive and had the freedom to get together at all hours of the day and night. Our weekends started consisting of hanging out with guy friends, running from mall to mall, driving to Wendy's at 1am, sneaking a can of beer from our parent's fridges, and putting on more makeup than we actually needed. Soon, Kaly and I became a dynamic duo... We were friends with just about everyone. We were never to judge anyone based on their clothes, houses, families, or friends; we prided ourselves on being friends with anyone who was warm-hearted. With that being said, we spent weekends driving from one party to the next so we didn't hurt anyone's feelings. We never had a weekend to just lay around and relax- we were always on the go; this was fine because this was exactly who we were. We spent hours in our Cobalts, blasting rap music, windows down (even in the winter)--- living life the way we should've. Kaly used to tell me, "Breen (yes that is what she called me), we are going to be remembered as 'us'."
As high school came to a close, a door to college was soon to be open. We spent that summer living our lives to the fullest. I can honestly say that was the best summer of my life. Every summer, Kaly and I would go to Ocean City, Maryland together with our families and have the time of our lives meeting people, eating ice cream, dancing at the under 21 club, getting so fried on the beach, and acting like fools in the ocean. Senior year, Kaly and I planned another trip to OC, but this time, with our group of friends. We looked forward to this trip just like we did every year. We stayed in a dinky basement with ceramic floors and brick walls, with a group of our guy friends. When we walked in, Kaly and I looked at eachother and just laughed. We could have stayed in a box and we would have still been happy. We had no idea what the week had in store for us, but let's just say, it was something Kaly and I couldn't stop talking about for the rest of forever.
Kaly had decided to go to WVU for school, while I was going to CalU. WVU was an hour away and CalU was only 15 minutes away from home. We refused to even talk about it because we couldn't believe we weren't going to the same school. At the end of summer, the night before she left, she had a party with her closest friends to say goodbye. Of course, Brittany, Julie, and I were there, hugging, crying, and feeling so scared, as our years of being inseparable were now about to be just memories. We talked about all of the wild times of the summer, all of the years before this moment, and all of the times we wanted to get together this upcoming year while Kaly was gone. We had plans to visit her, she had plans to visit us, and we knew we weren't going to just end our friendships there, like most people let happen. Our friendship was different.
We were right.. I visited her in WV, she visited me at CalU; we talked daily on the phone together; we skyped constantly; and we still found ways to laugh every single day without being in each other's presence. It was like we took two completely different paths in life, but they still managed to flow next to each other. I went to a small school, where everyone knew each other and you partied with your best friends every night. She went to a big party school that doesn't sleep, where no one looks familiar when you would go. Soon enough, she was calling me telling me how horrible her roommates were to her and how uncomfortable she felt at the school itself. I told her daily that coming back home would make her much happier... and after a semester, she was back in my daily reach.
Life was different at this point, though. She was going to community college, living back at home, working, and I could really only see her on the weekends. The weekends now consisted of friends I made at CalU, and although I knew Kaly could be friends with anyone, I was nervous. All I wanted was for her to like anyone and anything I did, because, that's what kind of best friends we were. Kaly walked into each party with her head held high, a cute ass outfit on, makeup/hair done flawlessly, and put a big smile on her face--- she lit up every room immediately with her presence. Her laugh traveled through the entire party- I didn't even have to introduce her to anyone; she instantly connected with multiple people and truly became the life of the party. Everyone absolutely loved her and she, of course, loved everyone.
After the first year of college, Kaly decided over the summer that she, too, would be attending CalU in the fall. Although she wasn't fond of the idea a year before that, she realized she was closer to all her loved ones and that this was ultimately going to a great decision. To celebrate, we once again went to OC with a group of about 60 people, for what we say was the craziest OC trip of our lives. I mean, think about it... you with 60 highschool and college friends, in a town created to party. All Kaly ever wanted was for everyone to stay close, so she set it all up, and it once again went down in history.
Sophomore year had then started. Kaly moved into CalU and was living with three roommates at the campus apartments and I was living in a house with two of my roommates, Jessica and Kayla, which I lived with the previous year. Although Kaly and I didn't live together, we said that her, myself, Jessica, and our other friend, Jenna, should live together the following year. We still managed to see each other a lot at CalU... she was loving it; she loved her roommates, she loved the people, she loved being only a street away from us, and she loved the atmosphere. We partied almost every night, just running around the small town, meeting people, dancing, laughing.. just like we always did. No matter where we were, our friendship adapted to the atmosphere and we were just HAPPY to be together.
Although we were having some of the greatest times together, Kaly started having weird dreams and feelings that made her feel like something was going to happen to one of us. We all were a little scared at this, but we thought we were invincible. Along with this, winter came, and both Kaly and I hated the cold because we felt like we had to hibernate. With finals coming up and Kaly worrying about these bad thoughts in her mind, things calmed down a bit. We felt like we only saw each other on the weekends at this point, and for us, this was slightly disappointing. Kaly had recently started dating one of our friends, Mike. She was head over hills, falling for him, spending a lot of time with him. They were perfect for each other. This was the first guy that Kaly dated and we couldn't be more happy for her.
The first weekend of December, Brittany was coming to visit us and we were too excited to go out all together. We pre-gamed at a friends house before we headed over to a frat party. That night, I can still remember Kaly and Mike kissing, laughing, and just looking so happy. She looked over at me telling me they were going to leave. I made a sad face at her, and she looked at me with a big pouty lip. I asked if she was okay, and she said, "yes, love you, see you this week-- margarita night?" I nodded my head, blew her a kiss, and watched her leave, with Mike in her hand. Little did I know, that was the last time I was going to see her...
The Day I Lost Her
On Monday night, December 6, Kaly invited all of us to "forget" about life at her place on Wednesday for "Margarita Night". Getting caught up with school, guys, anxieties, and work, we were overdue for a girls night. Jessica, Jenna, and I couldn't wait- we felt like we hadn't been to her place recently and a night like this would kick off "Christmas Break". Plus, Brittany, Julie, and other friends from home were going to come- it was going to be a reunion. On Tuesday, December 7, Kaly was texting me, very upset. She said that this was the first night in a long time that Mike and her weren't going to stay together. I was thinking a fight had happened, but Kaly confirmed that he was going to hang out with friends for the night and that she was okay with this, but she was upset because she hadn't slept alone in forever. I laughed at her and told her chill out and that we would be up there tomorrow for Margarita night. She agreed that maybe she was being a little over the top, but she said she just truly loved the kid and felt really strange without him around. Throughout the night, she continued to text me telling me she wasn't feeling well and her anxiety seemed out of control. She said she was having those weird thoughts and feelings again and felt like something was going to happen. When I woke up, I texted her back, once again, to tell her to calm down. Jessica and I talked that morning about how it seemed she was panicking for no reason and that she was just being dramatic. I wrote on my Facebook wall "Everybody dies but not everybody lives", and left for class.
Around 11am, on December 8, Kaly was still texting me about not feeling well. I was in accounting class, looking at the snow outside, and was texting her that everything would be okay and that I would see her tonight. At about 11:30am, I got a phone call from her future sister-in-law, Jess. It was strange, but I figured she was probably calling to ask what to get Kaly for Christmas. I missed the call, since I was in class, and texted her to let her know i'd call her back shortly. About 11:40am, my teacher wrapped up the class. He proceeded to tell us that he got a message about a bad accident up by the campus apartments and to avoid that road if possible. He mentioned a small silver car, and at this point, nothing was coming together in my mind. I remember thinking, "Ah, that's terrible... " and just walked out of class peacefully.
I left class, got on my phone, called Jess back, and as soon as I heard her voice, my heart dropped. She was shaky, saying that KALY was in bad accident by the apartments and was being life-flighted to the hospital. Everything I ever knew about poise was thrown out the window-- I hung up the phone and ran across campus, heavily breathing, to the parking garage that I parked in. It was freezing out, but I was sweating. My eyes were filled with tears with the biggest fear of it all in my head -- was she going to be okay? After calling Jessica & Jenna to tell them the news, they told me to meet them at the apartments to pray. I drove up the road, only to see firetrucks, ambulances, and road flares.. I couldn't even drive past it; I couldn't bring myself to do that. What if I would see her car? I didn't want to see that- I didn't want to believe it. I drove the back way, ran into the apartment, and grabbed my two friends. They calmed me down, saying she'll be okay and that she probably just broke some bones. I convinced myself that they were right; I would wait for the call to hear that we can come visit her in the hospital and everything would be okay from there.
We waited for a phone call of her update. Jess finally called and said that she was in the hospital and they were worried because her heart was not working the way that it should. I grabbed my friends in a small circle, and we prayed. Tears were flowing, we were shaking, but we were trying to stay hopeful. We started to get texts, "I am so sorry about your loss" "I can't believe Kaly is gone". My friends were getting calls that "Kaly's death" had already been leaked on social media. We were screaming- SCREAMING- at these people, saying that the rumor wasn't true, she is not gone, and we demanded that this be taken off of everyone's pages. Outside, we overheard a man by the scene say that the girl in the accident had died at the scene. It felt like the world was crashing down around us; I refused to listen to anyone. In my mind, she was okay- she couldn't leave. Around 1pm, things fell silent. Us three stood waiting around my phone, with our mind's racing but completely blank at the same time.
There it was... Mac Miller's "Koolaid and Frozen Pizza" ringtone on my phone started playing. It was Jess. I remember a chill across my bones. I looked at my friends for a quick second and my heart instantly stopped when I picked up the phone. I said, "Jess?" There was silence... It felt like it lasted for an hour. A few seconds later, I heard tears. I knew what it was, she didn't even have to speak.. She told me she was so sorry to tell me this, but they lost her. I dropped my phone, dropped to my knees, and legitimately felt my body go numb. I remember seeing my entire life just flash in front of me. After seconds of silence, I started screaming that she was dead. My friends started screaming- everyone was screaming. I got up and just ran. I ran out of the apartments and fell in the parking lot. My body was never so weak that I had no strength to even hold myself up. I laid in the parking lot, with a ray of sunshine set on my face. At that moment, I wanted nothing but to die.
Never in my life did I feel pain like this, and I truly thought and hoped my broken heart would eventually just kill me. I was soon surrounded by a few people, with a stranger picking me up off the ground and holding me. I was spinning; I could barely open my eyes; I blacked out; I had no idea who anyone was around me; I felt like my entire brain had just shut down. I couldn't form words. The only words I knew were, "my best friend is dead". After I could finally stand, I looked around and saw all of my friends there.. crying, falling, calling parents, calling friends, screaming. It was the scariest view I have ever seen. At that moment, I realized that this was real-- shit like this really does happen in the blink of an eye; you are not invincible; people you love won't always be there; your entire life can change in a split second. It is all a blur... I felt that feeling that you have when you start to fall asleep and become delirious --- but I wasn't falling asleep. A part of me was dying..
I remember a few people holding me because I couldn't stand on my own. I called my mom, screaming. She was a mess- she felt that she had lost a daughter of her own. When I saw Brittany and Julie, I just wanted to die. I called my best friend, Matt, to see if he could just tell me this was a bad nightmare. There was just silence, and then he hung up. Everyone knew at this point, the news had been leaked. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to any of us. Nothing ever happened to the people in our town... Our class in particular never lost anyone at this point.
We had friends drive us girls, Brittany, Julie, Jenna, and Jess, over to my parent's house, where we all just held eachother. We saw the news that night and couldn't believe that it was that real. I had news casters from all over calling me asking me for interviews about the situation, and although I wanted to do it for Kaly, everything inside of me was weak and dead. We had many guests throughout the night, but when we were called to go to Kaly's house to see her family, our hearts sunk. Brittany, Julie, and I had been close to not only Kaly, but her entire family since we were kids. We drove over and walked into a room full of people holding eachother. The memory is still so unfortunately fresh. When us 3 decided to go into Kaly's bedroom, everything got so surreal. This was real; she was gone; and we had no idea where to go from there.
Kaly was just 19 years old. Her car coasted onto a main road and was hit by a salt truck. When a lady pulled her out of her smoking, totaled car, Kaly's eyes were closed, but she still let out the words, "Thank you". She was beautiful, energetic, and warm-hearted- why, of all the people in this world, was she taken this early? Why is it the one person that I can truly call my best friend? Why is it the honest to God brightest of people I know? Why did this happen to someone who is so full of life? This was going to be the question I would struggle with for the rest of my life.
Her Memory
Kaly was your typical blonde bombshell. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, pearly white smile, curves for days... and she was only 5 ft tall. Although she was short, her personality was huge. Every place she walked into, she made her presence known. She was loud, sarcastic, and absolutely HILARIOUS. She laughed at herself, made jokes about everyone, and made people laugh for hours upon hours. We were never sure if she had the best stories or if she just told them the best, but either way, she was our entertainment. School dances, you never caught her sitting; she was the girl in the center of the dance circle battling everyone. In school, she wore sweats every day, came in at least 5 minutes late to each class, and did not care what anyone thought of her. At parties, she was decked out- high heels, cute outfit, and makeup on point, making sure she met every person there. During the summer, she ran around with nothing but sunglasses and a bikini on with some guy's flat brim hat (and a camera to capture every moment). At sleepovers, she would dress up in ridiculously embarrassing outfits and act out scenes of people's lives just to make everyone laugh. At the mall, she would have 34 items of clothes to try on and make sure she'd find you 34 items to try on, too.
Her energy was always high- except of course periods 1-4 everyday in HS. Her laughter carried through an entire house and her voice was always way louder than it needed to be. She loved remixing music - and no, not like a DJ. Just about any song she heard, she fit her own lyrics into it that poked fun at some aspect of our lives. We legitimately thought she was the next "Weird Ale". She loved country music, as this is what she grew up with, but she also loved rap music and would always beg me for song suggestions for her CD's that she made for her car. Music made our life like a movie. Every party, event, birthday, vacation, or car ride, we planned out our music in advance. Every song we would hear reminded us of a memory. We would make each other CD's of these songs just to bring back those good times so we could talk about them again.
Kaly had a strong personality. Your relationship was determined if you understood her personality or not. She told it like it was- always blunt, honest, and dramatic. If you couldn't handle that, you couldn't handle her. She had some people that didn't "get" her, but she also had hundreds of people who did, or at least tried. This is what made her so special. Of course there were the select few people she had issues with, and she had no problem with that. She always said, "You can't be friends with everyone." Although she said this, she always did her best to not judge anyone and to always allow anyone into her life that just gave her a smile. If you were real, she loved you. The amount of friends she made through her years were an unspeakable amount. She was well-known and well-liked, and she loved every minute of it.
Although most people just knew her as the hilarious, fun, party girl, a few of us were lucky enough to get to know her other sides. She was a deep person. She was scared of life, but she was always ready for an adventure. She never dated anyone- but she loved just about every guy that smiled at her. You could trust her with your entire life. She was the best listener- she would call you just to hear about YOUR day. She was a worry-wart- she cared so much about everyone that she was always looked at as a "mom" figure. She was always late, but she always got things done. If she told you she was going to do something, she did it. She never went back on her words and she did whatever she could to help out anyone. She protected every person she loved-- she stood up for you and never let another talk crap on you behind your back. She cried here and there and everywhere - but following the cries, she would laugh her ass off. Although her confidence glowed off her face, she always had insecurities. She thought she wasn't good enough in her earlier years, but I honestly believe once she became comfortable in her own skin, she realized how truly warm-hearted she was. She learned to love herself the way she always should have in her last years. She would do anything for anyone, anywhere, any time. She was a great, loyal FRIEND to so many people, and that is why her memory is still so alive today. So many people depended on her for laughs, listening, and love. The amount of people that still keep her in their minds everyday is unreal- and I truly appreciate everyone that does this. I know Kaly does, too.
Before I Learned to Cope..
Before Kaly had passed, I knew happiness, confidence, comfort, and security. She believed in me, she cheered me on, she supported me, she pushed me, she cared for me, and she had my back. She was my rock and I didn't realize how much I depended on her for happiness until she left.
When she passed, I lost myself. I never lost anyone in my life besides grandparents and distant relatives; never a young person. Of course my happiness felt like it was 6-feet underground, but little did I realize that I was losing so much more than just happiness. I no longer had that friend that pushed me to do things I was scared of. I no longer had that friend that told me "You're too good for that." I no longer had that friend that I knew would answer her phone at 3am when I am crying over something stupid. I no longer had that friend that could say "We've been best friends since we were little and nothing can tear us apart." I had no friend that could even come close to anything that she was. I lost my one person.
Nothing in the world could tear us apart except death. How was I to move on with my life without the one person who I could trust with my life? How was I to move on without that one single person I called my very best friend?
After she passed, I had hundreds of people reaching out to me. The out pour of love, prayers, support, visits, gifts, hugs, etc. is still unbelievable and I feel so blessed everyday for that. It was nice to see how many people's lives Kaly affected, and it was also nice seeing how many people thought of me when they thought of her. Although I loved all the stories, uplifting words, and prayers, I knew that one day, life would grow a little quieter. Eventually people wouldn't worry, memories wouldn't be as fresh, and prayers wouldn't be sent. I knew that was when things would get real. Until then, I had planned to stay strong for the single reason that I felt that I "had" to be for others.
"Being strong" for the first few months was me ignoring the reality. I was in college, drinking with friends to forget the reality and crying hours later because I would realize it was real. My close group of friends at the time all reacted the same. We continued on with our lives- going to parties, taking pictures, celebrating birthdays... but one look in any of our eyes and you knew we would crack at the thought of the reality. Several nights were spent crying, telling memories, and trying to figure out why it happened.
We all tried and still try to keep Kaly's memory fresh. We posted thousands of pictures and videos and I talked to people all over about her story. We had bench dedications, memorial gatherings, and "Kaly" nights just to be with one another, as Kaly always wanted.
It wasn't until about a year and a half after that I realized how unhealthy I was. I was in denial of the whole situation. My anxiety and depression had overcome who I was. Everything made me sad; from blonde haired people to stupid songs to being with other friends. I hurt just by looking at others that had their "one" best friend. I felt alone, scared, and sick for months. I felt myself not wanting to leave the house and I felt myself worried about anyone close to me leaving the house. I was so panicked that something would happen to someone else I was close to that I slowly drifted apart from people I was once close to. Why would I want to put myself in the position to once again be close with someone who could potentially get pulled away from me?
Not only was I upset, but I was also angry. I lashed out at people that never did anything wrong to me. I had hate for people I didn't even know. I became so jealous of the people that had that "one best friend" that I began telling myself that soon they wouldn't have that person either, just to make myself feel better. When I would drink, I would become a walking nightmare- I no longer forgot about reality; instead I began making things up in my head. I was so angry that she left me; I was so angry that it was real; I was so angry that I lost all control of my life; and I was so angry that I had no control over the future.
I had recently started dating my now-boyfriend, Matt, and although things were good with him, I was not happy with myself. There were many nights spent crying, panicking, and most of the time over things I shouldn't have been worried about. I had become so afraid to lose someone else that it took over my life. I lost all confidence in myself and in life itself. Eventually, Matt had come to me to tell me he thought I needed help. When I heard these words at first, I thought he was crazy; but after a few months of realizing how many days and nights I was wasting being panicked, stuck in the house, I decided anything would be better than the state I was in.
When I Learned to Cope
Once I brought it to my family and friends attention that I would like some help to get my mind back, not many people understood, but they were supportive. "It's been a year and a half, why now?" "I thought you were doing fine!" "Just keep your mind off of it".
What they didn't understand was that "keeping my mind off of it" was what I did for the first year and a half. I was only pretending to be fine so that I could be the "strong" one that people could come to talk to about it. I had numerous amount of people crying to me about how much they missed her- how was I supposed to cope when I worried about everyone being okay? I never had a chance to really deal with the situation on my own and that's what was killing me. I knew I needed help.
At first I got on some medication. I started experiencing some bad side effects immediately, but after a few weeks, I felt a little more calm. Although the medication seemed to help slightly, I still really wasn't working through any of my problems. After a few months of very little improvement, my sister had talked to me about seeing a therapist. I thought that no one could ever really say anything that I didn't already know. But after talking to a few close friends that were also seeking help with the situation, I figured I had nothing to lose. I knew I needed help and at the lowest point of my life, I was willing to do what I needed to get back to myself before everyone gave up on me.
After weeks of searching for a therapist that was nearby and covered by my insurance, I finally found one that seemed in my reach. When I first started seeing her, she knew I was a wreck. I could barely speak without crying, and I had way more words coming out of my mouth than she could handle. We started meeting once a week, and during the week she had given me assignments. These assignments would help me push through the 5 steps of grieving:
1. Shock/Denial/Isolation
2. Pain/Guilt
3. Anger/Bargaining
4. Depression/Reflection
5. Acceptance/Hope
Once I heard about these steps, it became clearer as to why I was acting the way I was. It helped me to realized that I wasn't insane, but instead just caught up in a grieving period with no path. For the next several months, I completed all of the assignments, listened and took notes, and worked hard on myself every single day- I knew if I didn't, I would've been wasting my time and I would've never felt normal again.
I first learned that anxiety comes from "future" thinking, and depression comes from "past" thinking. Since I was suffering from both, I had a lot of work to do.
A few assignments that certainly helped me still stick in my mind. One was to learn the difference between reality and feelings. I never thought about this until she brought it to my attention. I was living my life purely on feeling. "I feel scared. I feel worried. I feel sad. I feel mad." Feelings are not reality - they are all in your mind. So, each time I had these negative feelings, I was to write them in my journal. I would then write the "reality check" of that feeling. After a few weeks, I noticed myself catching the reality of situations before letting my anxiety take over.
Another was writing letters to Kaly. Each week I had to write how I was feeling in a letter noted to her. Whether I was sad, angry, scared... it gave me a chance to speak to her. It became a routine, and I looked forward to it. Although it was just sitting in my journal and it wasn't in her hands, it still felt as though I was finally getting my deep thoughts out to her.
One assignment that I took full advantage of was "meditation". No, I didn't sit Indianan style and hum, but it was something like that. At this point in my life, my anxiety was sky-rocketed. She explained to me that since I lost Kaly, I felt like I lost control of my life, and that is where the anxiety came into play. I wanted to control my future so bad - I was so afraid of losing someone else and it drove me crazy that I couldn't stop it from happening again. Instead, I looked at other ways to control my life. As crazy as it sounds, I got obsessive over CLEANING (and no, it's not as glamorous as it sounds). If one thing was out of place, I began to freak out in my mind. Although I was pretty tidy in college, it didn't keep me up at night if a pair of shoes wasn't aligned properly. It all made perfect sense when my therapist said that people reach out to other ways of controlling some aspect of their life after losing someone. I was taught that when I felt a "control-freak" moment coming on, to remove myself from the situation. I was also taught to do this if I was angry, upset, etc. Take myself into a quiet room and focus on nothing but inhaling and exhaling. Sometimes when your anxiety wraps around your brain, you feel like you can't escape it. Once I would focus in on inhaling and exhaling 10 times very slowly, it actually did get my mind off of it, at least for the few minutes of my breathing exercises. Even though I would immediately start thinking after this, I felt the edge taken off and actually felt like I gained control of the moment.
My favorite lesson learned from her was "allowing" myself to be mad and sad. The pressure of being the "strong" one for others made me feel like I wasn't actually allowed to be upset. When I got upset, I felt guilty and more upset. She reminded me that I am only human and that I need to care for myself. My assignment was each time that I fell into a depressed mood, I would allow myself to cry (and not hate myself for doing so). The key to this was to set a timer; allow myself to cry to for 10 minutes & let it all out. Once the timer went off, I would have to gather myself and move on with my day. I thought it seemed dumb and that it would never work. After the first few times of trying this, I had gained so much control over these situation and really listened to myself. Soon, the crying outburst happened less often, and when they did happen, I didn't let it take over my entire day or mood. This was my favorite practice and I will still live by it.
Besides these exercises, my therapist taught me more than I ever imagined possible. I learned to put my energy towards just the most important people in my life and not to try to please everyone all the time. As much as I wanted to be there for everyone, it was hurting me in the long run. I found a nice balance of still being a good friend but also being able to be the best person for MYSELF. I gained happiness and control over myself, and I felt better than I did in a long time.
Acceptance & Celebration
After about a year of therapy, I felt healthy. To find out how far I had come, I looked back in my journal. When I read some of the things I wrote from just the year before, my mind was blown. My spirits were in a better place; my mind was feeling healthy; and I internally felt peace. I had finally realized that all the work on myself was paying off. The biggest sense of accomplishment was that when I thought of Kaly, I felt happy.
When I used to hear songs that reminded me of her, I would cry & turn them off. Now I am able to smile peacefully. When I used to see old pictures of us, I would die inside. Now I am able to laugh & relive certain memories in my head. When I used to go on drives to escape my sadness, I would visit her grave. Now I drive to places we once enjoyed and relive moments.
People always tell everyone "it gets easier". Take it from me- not when you lose someone as special as her. It will never be easy to go back to my question of "Why her?". It will never be easy to live a daily life without thinking of her every minute. It will never be easy to tell her whole story without getting choked up. I still cry often about; I still wonder why; I still hurt daily; I still am scared of losing again. I still have daily issues that I am working through. BUT, if there is one thing I learned in my life, it is that if you make the right steps, you will find peace, acceptance, and hope.
Once you hit your 5th step of grieving, you come to accept reality. I have realized that I am more blessed than most because I had the chance to have Kaly by my side for 16 years. Many people ask- now what? Now is my chance to awaken my own life by celebrating the memory of my best friend. The most fulfilling job in my life is keeping Kaly's memory alive. Unfortunately, life goes on without that person, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Instead of lying around wishing unrealistic things, make moves. Get out there, share your story, help others, inspire people, donate to charities, make things happen, and CELEBRATE that person.
I am still a "people hoarder" (as my therapist referred to me as), but I am able to live my daily life without having a frantic pain in my brain about losing someone. I've come to realize that you can absolutely not depend on anyone else in this world for happiness- just yourself. I used to be close to dozens of people, but now, I am closest to myself. I learned that life is way bigger than depression. I've changed in ways I never thought I could. I have a sense of peace that fills me daily, and without that, I couldn't be who I am today. I want to help others- I love reaching out to others going through similar pain and let them know there is hope. I love spreading Kaly's story, not only to help other's going through this, but to show Kaly how much she has impacted life on earth. I know from going through this that some people just need one story of motivation to get them going. Even if there is only one person I can help in this world from this story, I would be so grateful.
I don't take life as seriously anymore. If you're not having fun, chasing after dreams, or loving the ones around you, you are probably wasting your time. I don't worry nearly as much anymore. Why am I going to spend precious time with my loved ones worrying about only God knows what that I can't control? LIVE IN THE MOMENT. I don't stress as easily anymore. Once you go through a heart break in life, you start to realize everything else really isn't that bad. You realize your actually more blessed than most, and it can always be worse. You look around at the world and see all the crime, disease, fatal accidents, and people struggling to just live another day (and loved ones by their side) and you realize the amount of blessings you have. Life really can throw you down on the ground, but that is your chance to get back up even stronger.
I dream of Kaly often, but not as often as I did when I was in my period of depression. I know it's because she felt like she needed to be with me during that period; nowadays, she has many other people to visit and help. When I do see her in my dreams now, I wake up so relieved. It's as if I know her spirit is still just as present as it was when she was on earth. My dreams are our new memories; we talk, we laugh, we hug, just as we always did. I feel her more around me than I ever did. Whether I'm sad, happy, excited, anxious- I know she's there. I am able to look over in my passenger seat and feel her riding along with me. It's an amazing, out-of-body feeling and I know it is because I have found peace.
Life is so much different now, and I will never say I am doing perfect. I fall down every once in a while, I mess up more than I should, and negative thoughts will flash through every once in awhile.. maybe I'm not doing great, but I am doing better. I know Kaly is the one to be thanking for that.
Kaly is still my absolute everything. I celebrate her everyday. I always try to let others know to hold the ones you love tightly, but also to let them go when they are ready. Kaly had to go; if there wasn't more to life than this, then she would still be here. I am not the most religious person in the world, but I do believe she was needed and she is in a much better place. BE FAITHFUL. She is still my best friend. I no longer allow myself to look at it as though I don't have a best friend. Instead, I feel that my best friend is in her new home in Heaven. I will be with her one day :)
In Memory of my Best Friend, Kaly Bilski. A life taken too short, but a life well spent. 7-16-91 - 12-8-10... written by Brianna Delmastro on Kaly's 4 year memorial.
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