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Celebrity

How Gwyneth Paltrow Are You?

Would you rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin?

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Charley Gallay / Getty Images for Tom Ford
  1. Britta Pedersen / AFP / Getty Images
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    You’re a human.
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    You're tall.
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    You're blonde.
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    You're an actor.
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    You're a singer.
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    Your middle name is Kate.
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    You were born in the 1970s.
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    You were born on September 27, 1972.
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    Your childhood was bicoastal.
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    You grew up with famous parents.
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    Blythe Danner is your mom.
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    You're a mom.
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    You named one of your children after a piece of fruit.
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    Or after a Biblical figure.
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    You've dated Brad Pitt.
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    You've dated Ben Affleck.
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    You've "consciously uncoupled" from someone.
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    You’ve consciously uncoupled from Chris Martin, specifically.
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    You’re fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness.
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    You prefer Europe to America.
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    You lived part of your adult life in England.
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    You kind of picked up a Madonna-style British accent while there.
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    But you think the way Brits pronounce “pasta” and “basil” is awful.
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    You’re a “lifestyle expert.”
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    You have a lifestyle blog.
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    That blog is called Goop.
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    Your blog is aspirational.
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    It’s also controversial.
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    You’ve been on a macrobiotic diet.
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    You’ve written a cookbook.
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    You’ve written a cookbook with Mario Batali.
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    Salad niçoise is one of your favorite meals.
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    But your last meal on earth would include oysters and cocktail sauce.
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    You’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.
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    And you would rather die than let your kid eat Cup-a-Soup.
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    You garden.
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    There’s a wood-burning pizza oven in your garden.
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    Your heart skips a beat every time you see a flowering zucchini plant.
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    You’re fluent in Spanish.
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    You're fluent in French.
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    You’ve gotten your vagina and/or butthole steamed.
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    You’ve told others to get their vaginas and/or buttholes steamed.
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    You’re the worldwide face of vagina and/or butthole steaming.
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    You love inspiring others.
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    You don’t consider yourself to be a smoker.
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    But you allow yourself one light American Spirit cigarette a week.
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    You think being drunk is a “bad look.”
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    You’ve tried Botox.
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    But you’ll never do it again.
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    You think exercise is a very important part of your daily routine.
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    You are a fan of the Tracy Anderson method.
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    You consider Tracy Anderson a close, personal friend.
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    You consider Beyoncè a close, personal friend.
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    Also, Jay Z.
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    But your best friend is Cameron Diaz.
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    You're an Academy Award winner.
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    You’re the face of Estèe Lauder fragrances.
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    People Magazine has named you “Most Beautiful Woman.”
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    But you’ve also been named the internet’s “Most Hated Celebrity.”
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    People seem to hate you for no reason.
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    And you’ve compared that hate to warfare.
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    Still, they can call you a lot of things if they want.
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    But they can’t call you “complacent.”
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    You are who you are.
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    And you can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.
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