Born in a broken-down Brooklyn taxi on a humid day in July, Brian was later discovered abandoned on the steps of the local x-rated cinema by Herschel, a grumpy midget rabbi from Bensonhurst. He was schooled by rebellious nuns at the convent of Our Lady of the Blasted Sacrilege. At age twelve he was kidnapped by a band of hostile gypsies and forced to tap dance for tourists from France, who tossed their cigarette butts at his feet. Tired of subsisting on a diet of stale pita and grape leaves, he escaped his captors one evening using a two-humped camel and a stolen moped. In the rain. On a Monday. Wearing only his purple pajama bottoms.