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    Posted on Jul 1, 2013

    The 9 Funniest Single Reviews Morrissey Did For Smash Hits In 1984

    Never one to mince words, Moz hates on Cyndi Lauper and confesses to liking Duran Duran.

    Via morrisseyscans.com

    In 1984, former U.K. music magazine Smash Hits invited Morrissey to come in and review that week’s new singles. Of course the results were, well, classic Morrissey.

    1. Duran Duran, “Wild Boys”

    Via duranduran.wikia.com

    Pleads for Duran Duran to stop making music videos:

    Big burps of aggression fill out this truly good Duran single. Fine fiery vocals and mountainous drums. But please, boys, don’t make a video. Bestest Single Of The Fortnight.

    2. Cyndi Lauper, “All Through The Night”

    Via the80sman.com

    Calls Cyndi Lauper ordinary:

    In homecountry, America, Cyndi Lauper is probably filed under “New Wave.” This record is grossly unmusical. Squeezing the rag dry, it is lifted yet again from her LP, “She’s So Incredibly Ordinary.”

    3. Chaka Kahn, “I Feel For You"

    Via blogs.centrictv.com

    Says Prince is a living "travesty":

    Indisputably cleaver record written by romping travesty Prince.

    4. Modern Romance, “Move On”

    Really throws shade at Modern Romance:

    There are indeed worse groups than Modern Romance. But can anybody seriously think of one?

    5. Miami Sound Machine, “Prisoner of Love”

    Via 45cat.com

    Miami Sound Machine lack passion:

    The kind of stealthy eroticism which makes a life of religion madly attractive.

    6. Level 42, “The Chant Has Begun”

    You have to be drunk to enjoy the band Level 42:

    That’s strange, I can’t hear it. Having never been sufficiently drunk to enjoy a Level 42 record, I prescribe the Burmese neck ring to these chumps for being icy.

    7. Lionel Richie, “Penny Lover”

    Via gech.ch

    Only miserable people like Lionel Richie:

    The seventeenth single lifted from his “Can’t Slow Down” LP. That people actually care for such things suggests an unholy amount of human misery.

    8. Tracey Ullman, “Helpless”

    Via roxcalibur.com

    Tracey Ullman is “hopeless”:

    Hopeless. Absent of “Sunglasses” wit, or the rhapsodic edge of the brilliant “Move Over Darling.” Great Shame.

    9. Alphaville, “Forever Young”

    Via 991.com

    Alphaville are so untalented, they should have DIED at birth:

    Alphaville embody the frustrated egos of the massively untalented. Should have been drowned at birth.

    Read the rest of Morrissey's reviews here:

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