Straight Men Are Asking Gay Men The Questions They’re Too Afraid To Ask, And The Responses Are Honest And Judgement Free

"Most gay men don't want to sleep with each other, and most of us have a type."

It’s absolutely no secret that in many, many ways, gay men and straight men live in completely different worlds. While gay men grow up and live in a primarily heteronormative world that gives them a firm understanding of what life is like for straight men, the opposite tends to be the case for straight men — who either might not know any gay men, or if they do, know better than to ask questions that could come across as dumb and/or invasive. Naturally, this leads them to have lots of questions about gay culture.

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And several months go, Reddit user handsome_jack123 decided he wanted to answer some questions straight men might have — judgement free — asking: "Straight men of Reddit, what are questions you’ve always had for gay men, but been too afraid to ask?"

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Well, needless to say, the thread received LOTS of questions that handsome_jack123 and other gay Reddit members did their best to answer (and yes, I realize these answers don't/ won't apply to every gay man). Below are some of the top-voted and best questions and answers:

1. "Are there any struggles or hurdles in a gay relationship that you think people in a hetero relationship are unlikely to experience?"

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—ifitshouldpleaseyou

"Is he the man I want to be with, or simply the man I want to be."

—Longjumping-Buy-4736

"I wish I could hold my husband's hand when we're in public without having that anxiety that someone will start being an asshole to us. I've gotten better about doing it anyway."

—fhrblig

"My longest relationship was 13 months, and I never met his family because he wasn’t, and still isn’t, out. I also wasn’t able to introduce him to my family out of his fear of somehow being outed by accident. So when I’d tell my family about him, and try and explain why we didn’t take photos together, just photos of ourselves at the same places, they thought I was making up an entire relationship. It drives me insane sometimes because people often only think of relationship experience through a 'heteronormative lens.' For instance, my brother saying, 'Well, it must not have been a serious relationship since you never introduced him to the family,' is harmful because it takes no consideration for the real lived experience of an oppressed minority."

—handsome_jack123

2. "How is it to be friends with a straight man that is your type?"

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—Lucky_Lion31

"For me, it’s easy. I have a 'straight filter' so to speak where if the dude's straight, he’s just a buddy versus a potential sexual interest."

–8BitSk8r

"Honestly, it’s easy for me. I tend to enjoy being around straight friends more because I don’t feel the need to 'perform' to try and flirt or something. We just chill out. I’m very honest with my straight friends if they are attractive as I think it helps boost their confidence. But they know they’re like brothers to me."

—handsome_jack123

3. "How do you feel about straight men/women in places like gay bars, drag shows, etc.? I’ve been invited to a couple a few times but didn’t go because I’ve felt those places weren’t 'my places.' I'm fine with them existing and wasn’t worried about being hit on, but that’s not really a place I would go as they aren’t 'for me.'"

Mel Melcon / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images

—knowswhatimsaying

"It’s cool if you’re cool. If you’re there to have a good time, party with drag queens, and rage, that’s awesome. If you’re there to 'see the parade,' maybe you gotta evaluate a thing or two."

—Upstairs_Cow

"I am totally fine with people coming in, so long as they remember and are cognizant of the last four words you said. These places aren't for you. When bachelorette parties come in and squeal at the sight of shirtless men kissing, that is not okay. It's not a zoo. If you want to come and enjoy yourself with your friends, come on in and have a good time. Just be aware that these are important spaces for our community, and please be respectful of how we decide to express ourselves and interact with each other there.

And if you go to a drag show, tip the performers well!"

—MpMeowMeow

4. "Does anal sex/prostate stimulation really feel that good? I've tried stimulating my prostate, and all I get is the urge to pee."

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—tractor36

"Yes, but each person has their own preferences. There are some gay men who refuse to have any anal sex at all."

—handsome_jack123

"So I’m someone who typically tops, but every now and then, I will bottom. It can be painful at first and make you feel like you have to pee, but once you get over that part, it’s mind-blowing how good it feels — it’s definitely a lot of stimulation so it can be a lot for some people. Like, for me it feels amazing, but I’ll need to take a break from it while doing it cause it’s so much, but damn it’s worth it. I personally have found when I am doing it myself, I don’t enjoy as much having someone else doing it."

—anonymous_turtle9204

5. "Do you guys really not get along with lesbians?"

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—JMUdog2017

"I’m very glad you asked this question. So this stereotype is based on back in the '70s and early '80s when lesbians and gays didn’t support each other like they should and would insult each other frequently. During the AIDS pandemic, when gay men were dropping like flies, it was lesbians who stepped up and started protesting and going and sitting with the sick and dying, because even nurses didn’t want to touch them, and their families had disowned them long ago. Hence why the acronym, GLBT was changed to LGBT, as a public acknowledgment for the work the lesbians did in our community’s greatest time of need. So no, it’s not really an issue as much anymore."

—handsome_jack123

6. "How scared is the gay population of HIV/AIDS still? I know that its heyday was in the '80s and '90s, but is it still something spoken about in hushed terms?"

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—ImbibingInAnguish

"There’s a lot less fear but still a lot of stigma, if that makes sense?

Like, there are really good meds available now, and HIV is very far from a death sentence (in the US, at least). It can even be the case that modern meds can suppress your viral load so far that you’re effectively not able to transmit to someone else. Still though, I’ve talked to people who say they would never sleep with someone who was HIV+, even with protection and even if they are undetectable (the meds are working so well that you test negative even knowing you're HIV+).

Another thing that affects it: The population of queer men is getting younger. I’m 28. I didn’t know what AIDS was until 1999, and I didn’t understand the connection to being gay until maybe middle school (so around 2005 or so). I don’t know anyone personally who died of AIDS. My parents do, though. It’s different to fear something that your parents and grandparents had to endure than something you’ve seen the horrors of yourself.

It’s still there as part of our history though. In spaces where I’ve met and chatted with queer elders, there are so so few men in their 60s, compared to women. We still remember."

—ArsanL

"That was my mom's #1 concern when I came out to her (she grew up in the 1980s when it was a big deal).

The answer is nowadays they're not as afraid as they used to be. People are living 40-plus years with HIV because the meds we have now are so advanced that you can pretty much live a normal life on them. It's about as close to a cure as we can get. That said, they're still medications with side effects, and a lot of guys don't think of it.

There's also PrEP now, which is a daily medication sexually active guys take that almost entirely reduces the risk of acquiring the virus. Some men (and women) who are in relationships with HIV+ people take this medication, too."

—KR1735

7. "Is it problematic or bothersome to you that straight women seem to love the 'gay stereotype' of a man?"

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—JumboJetz

"It can be irritating if they just want to use you as an accessory, but honestly a lot of girls really just want someone they can trust to be completely honest with them about their look and feelings, without feeling judged or like they’re gonna go tell all the other girls. So we end up playing counselor a lot, and it’s exhausting."

—handsome_jack123

8. "This is just conjecture. But I wonder if gay men who spent their formative years in an environment where being friends with girls was the only safe option are more likely to express feminine qualities? I’m a straight woman, but spent most of my time around boys growing up. I’ve often been told I have a 'masculine energy.'"

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—Thr0waway0864213579

"I was raised by a single mother, surrounded by four other older sisters, no male influence, and female best friends, and I came out very masculine as a gay guy. I've also slept with masculine in-the-closet guys that not long after coming out, burst out of the closet flaming.

I personally believe there's a bit of forced pageantry to it, not all the time but certainly enough for it to be noted. I somewhat blame commercial media using a stereotype that young gay guys grow up believing 'this is what being a gay guy means.'"

—thatguyned

9. "Would you ever wing man for a straight friend?"

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—ninpho2246

"I have on many occasions. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I really do think my straight friends are the 'best straights around.' And some straight women tend to lose it over a man who is 'manly enough' to be friends with a gay dude."

—handsome_jack123

"Another gay guy here. Yeah, I’m a fucking pro as a wing man for my straight brothers. It's super easy.

Also, in my city, there’s a local LGBT bar that has everyone of all sexual attractions go. It is notorious for a lot of straight guys to hang out because the atmosphere is so chill and is not 'testosterone-filled' like at a straight bar, so they feel much more able to just open up to the men/women around.

It kind of results in a very wholesome atmosphere where most straight guys can just be themselves without having to 'act manly,' and I’ve seen many wonderful relationships between straight couples start there."

—Tbonethe_discospider

10. "Exactly how do you go about meeting people when you're the statistical minority? As a straight dude, it's hard enough to meet partners when your sexuality is the 'default.'"

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—Abigboi_

"It’s like trying to get a job. You either get really lucky with personal connections, get referred by a friend, or sign up for a variety of websites/apps."

—kaleb314

"It’s honestly easier in my experience. I feel really bad for the straight dating world. It seems really isolating?

It seems like for straight people, it’s unusual for you to be regularly surrounded by friends who are the gender you’re attracted to. For gay people, that’s totally normal. It can certainly make things messy or confusing at times (we’ve all been on a date that turns out to not be a date), but ultimately it means that we have way more opportunities to get to know potential partners before going on an actual date. There’s a lot of low pressure environments to get to know people. And there’s a lot of chances to get matched up by a friend who is ALSO orbited by and connected to many people of the gender I’m attracted to.

Plus we, almost — to a fault at times — center our community spaces around the assumption that there will be sex and dating. It makes sense because we’re bound together by society’s rejection of our dating and sexual practices, so our community spaces strive to facilitate the freedom to fully experience those things.

This means that you can pick pretty much any hobby and find a 'gay (your hobby) group.' Wanna go hike with gay people? There’s a group for that. Wanna knit with gay people? There’s a group for that. Want to talk about your rare genetic disease with other gay people with your diagnosis? There’s a group for that.

And implicit in almost all 'gay' spaces is the understanding that flirtation is normal and that you may find yourself surrounded by potential partners with shared interests."

—[deleted]

11. "Who's surname is adopted after marriage?"

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—venom259

"Not everyone does it. I took my husband's last name though. There wasn't really a discussion about it. I really hated my last names and asked him if I could take his, and he said he'd be honored. Lucky me, I spent forever wondering what my new last name would be when I got married and what my initials would be....they're still the same initials 😑, LMAO."

—BericStorm

12. "Hetero male teenagers are the absolute worst when it comes to treatment of young gay men, who are already having trouble accepting who they are. Based on your experiences, what is something you recommend I can do as an adult male figure that’ll protect that young gay man and help them accept them for who they are and be proud of it?"

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—One-Quiet-2481

"You don't have to do much, just be kind and remind people that they inherently have value. One thing that helps with people who are uncomfortable around gay people is to remind them that you don't have to 'get it' to still be able to treat a person with kindness and respect, because everyone deserves that."

—appleslululu

"I didn't even know I was gay when I was 13 or 14, but at that point in my life, if I had somebody I could reliably talk to about my problems that wasn't my parents, I think I would have loved it.

That said, don't feel like you have to say too much or give the 'right answer' for every situation. If a young gay person is coming to you for help, try your best to indicate that you're present and listening, and that you care. That will carry you for miles beyond whatever particular issue they're having is."

—keenfrizzle

And finally...

13. "What gay stereotypes do you despise?"

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—ThoolishThinker

"That all gays think alike, have the same political views, or are all feminine. There really aren’t a lot of good gay stereotypes. Even being 'well dressed' is just something else I have to think about, LOL."

—handsome_jack123

"That gays are either masculine or feminine. That a guy who fanatically enjoys football and basketball can’t also fanatically follow RuPaul's Drag Race and Broadway musicals (and vice versa)."

–mw407

"Most gay men don't want to sleep with each other, and most of us have a type."

—tommygunz007

You can read the full thread of questions and responses on Reddit.

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.