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    It Seems The Entire USA Men's Basketball Olympic Team Has Called In Sick

    Strained knees, bad ankles, long-term alien-discovery projects: everyone's bailing. Buzzfeed Sports has the scoop.

    It started with Dwight Howard, who dropped off the USA Basketball roster months before its scheduled gold-medal defense in London after back surgery. Then Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh got banged up in the playoffs, and today Anthony Davis broke an ankle in what was unfortunately not the cool streetball sense of the term. And now, Buzzfeed Sports has learned, every single remaining player on the team has also dropped out, leaving USA men’s basketball honcho Jerry Colangelo standing sadly in his office wondering what he’s going to do with all the party-sized Snickers he bought for training camp. Below, what our insider sources say are the reasons for the other team members’ cancellations.

    Carmelo Anthony

    Mike Ehrmann / Getty Images

    Abdominal paralysis.

    Kobe Bryant

    Jeff Gross / Getty Images

    Nasal heart attack.

    Tyson Chandler

    Andrew Innerarity / Reuters

    Fear of snakes.

    Kevin Durant

    Brett Deering / Getty Images

    Stepdad won't let him quit summer job at Arby's.

    Rudy Gay

    Stephen Dunn / Getty Images

    Ate a dog's homework.

    Eric Gordon

    Harry How / Getty Images

    Strained “qualf.” (Insists that “qualf” is an actual body part.)

    Blake Griffin

    Mark J. Terrill / AP

    Nasal qualf strain.

    James Harden

    Sue Ogrocki / AP

    Believes his homemade device is only days away from contacting the moon people.

    Andre Iguodala

    Nam Y. Huh / AP

    Has unshakeable feeling that his espionage work on behalf of moon people is only days away from being revealed by an Oklahoma man with a beard.

    LeBron James

    John Paul Filo / AP

    Summer job at Moon Arby's.

    Kevin Love

    Rick Bowmer / AP

    Paralyzed with obsessive-compulsive fear that he at one point accidentally pronounced the “Negro” in “Vinny Del Negro” the racist way in front of a black person.

    Lamar Odom

    Chris Trotman / Getty Images

    Couldn’t find cat-sitter.

    Chris Paul

    Rich Pedroncelli / AP

    Fell in love with frog princess, failed to understand complicated kissing instructions, became frog.

    Russell Westbrook

    Rich Pedroncelli / AP

    Suffering from venereal disease colloquially known as “cowboy’s gulch.”

    Deron Williams

    Ronald Martinez / Getty Images

    Helping Lamar find his cat-sitter. That guy just disappeared.