It started with Dwight Howard, who dropped off the USA Basketball roster months before its scheduled gold-medal defense in London after back surgery. Then Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh got banged up in the playoffs, and today Anthony Davis broke an ankle in what was unfortunately not the cool streetball sense of the term. And now, Buzzfeed Sports has learned, every single remaining player on the team has also dropped out, leaving USA men’s basketball honcho Jerry Colangelo standing sadly in his office wondering what he’s going to do with all the party-sized Snickers he bought for training camp. Below, what our insider sources say are the reasons for the other team members’ cancellations.
2. Carmelo Anthony
3. Kobe Bryant
Nasal heart attack.
4. Tyson Chandler
Fear of snakes.
5. Kevin Durant
Stepdad won’t let him quit summer job at Arby’s.
6. Rudy Gay
Ate a dog’s homework.
7. Eric Gordon
Strained “qualf.” (Insists that “qualf” is an actual body part.)
8. Blake Griffin
Nasal qualf strain.
9. James Harden
Believes his homemade device is only days away from contacting the moon people.
10. Andre Iguodala
Has unshakeable feeling that his espionage work on behalf of moon people is only days away from being revealed by an Oklahoma man with a beard.
11. LeBron James
Summer job at Moon Arby’s.
12. Kevin Love
Paralyzed with obsessive-compulsive fear that he at one point accidentally pronounced the “Negro” in “Vinny Del Negro” the racist way in front of a black person.
13. Lamar Odom
Couldn’t find cat-sitter.
14. Chris Paul
Fell in love with frog princess, failed to understand complicated kissing instructions, became frog.
15. Russell Westbrook
Suffering from venereal disease colloquially known as “cowboy’s gulch.”
16. Deron Williams
Helping Lamar find his cat-sitter. That guy just disappeared.
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