It Seems The Entire USA Men’s Basketball Olympic Team Has Called In Sick

Strained knees, bad ankles, long-term alien-discovery projects: everyone’s bailing. Buzzfeed Sports has the scoop.

It started with Dwight Howard, who dropped off the USA Basketball roster months before its scheduled gold-medal defense in London after back surgery. Then Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh got banged up in the playoffs, and today Anthony Davis broke an ankle in what was unfortunately not the cool streetball sense of the term. And now, Buzzfeed Sports has learned, every single remaining player on the team has also dropped out, leaving USA men’s basketball honcho Jerry Colangelo standing sadly in his office wondering what he’s going to do with all the party-sized Snickers he bought for training camp. Below, what our insider sources say are the reasons for the other team members’ cancellations.

2. Carmelo Anthony

Mike Ehrmann / Getty Images

Abdominal paralysis.

3. Kobe Bryant

Jeff Gross / Getty Images

Nasal heart attack.

4. Tyson Chandler

Andrew Innerarity / Reuters

Fear of snakes.

5. Kevin Durant

Brett Deering / Getty Images

Stepdad won’t let him quit summer job at Arby’s.

6. Rudy Gay

Stephen Dunn / Getty Images

Ate a dog’s homework.

7. Eric Gordon

Harry How / Getty Images

Strained “qualf.” (Insists that “qualf” is an actual body part.)

8. Blake Griffin

Mark J. Terrill / AP

Nasal qualf strain.

9. James Harden

Sue Ogrocki / AP

Believes his homemade device is only days away from contacting the moon people.

10. Andre Iguodala

Nam Y. Huh / AP

Has unshakeable feeling that his espionage work on behalf of moon people is only days away from being revealed by an Oklahoma man with a beard.

11. LeBron James

John Paul Filo / AP

Summer job at Moon Arby’s.

12. Kevin Love

Rick Bowmer / AP

Paralyzed with obsessive-compulsive fear that he at one point accidentally pronounced the “Negro” in “Vinny Del Negro” the racist way in front of a black person.

13. Lamar Odom

Chris Trotman / Getty Images

Couldn’t find cat-sitter.

14. Chris Paul

Rich Pedroncelli / AP

Fell in love with frog princess, failed to understand complicated kissing instructions, became frog.

15. Russell Westbrook

Rich Pedroncelli / AP

Suffering from venereal disease colloquially known as “cowboy’s gulch.”

16. Deron Williams

Ronald Martinez / Getty Images

Helping Lamar find his cat-sitter. That guy just disappeared.

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