How To Survive Facebook When Your Life Sucks

Sometimes Facebook can make you feel like a failure in comparison to your "friends". Consider this post 100mg of Zoloft to get you over the hump.

Those words personally ring true now more so than ever. At this stage in my life, I imagined I'd be finishing up my third season at SNL while in a relationship with someone similar to Matt Bomer. Unfortunately, I have a restraining order from Lorne Michaels and the only intimacy I've shared recently was with a carton of "carb-smart" chocolate ice cream. NOTE: Do not eat "carb-smart" ice cream on an empty stomach. The fiber content alone is enough to erupt a war down south.

I recently read an article called "This Is The New Loneliness"... Okay, read is a bit of a stretch. I mainly read the article description but I got the gist. It got me thinking about how I escape to Facebook 97% of the time. That might be a skoach too high especially considering my vulnerable state. All my Facebook "friends" seem to be at their highest when I'm at my lowest.

Since Facebook is an essential part of the human existence, quitting is not an option. I've decided to embrace my inner strong, black woman and face this problem head on. If you're in a similar situation, let's metaphorically hold hands and embrace our mundane lifestyle.

"Oh, you have an awesome job..."

Example: Your Facebook friend has 297 likes/reactions because they have a photo of themselves hanging out with the Pine-Sol lady at a work function.

Here's how I'd approach this situation. I would post a photo, like the one above, with the caption, "#blessed I get to nap at work".

Boom!

"Oh, someone loves you..."

Example: Another "I'm so lucky to have found you" or "guess who's engaged" post. WE GET IT! Someone enjoys seeing you naked!

This happens all too frequently in my feed. Being single's great too. As you can see from a recent Twitter post, I got to brag about eating McDonald's in bed alone. And when I woke up the next morning after having wet the bed from drinking a large unsweet tea, I didn't have to worry about being embarrassed.

Advantage Blair.

The Harsh-ish Approach

Via hackerella.com

Some people don't feel comfortable bragging about their lameness. If that's the case, simply unfollow the people that make you feel like the Mayor of Loserville. That way you remain friends without their awesome lives bulking up your feed. Only a select few are truly worthy of being blocked. I bestow this major accomplishment on people commonly referred to as "douche-lords", mainly characterized as super-political and/or exes.

Unfollowing is probably the most effective technique. I've successfully unfollowed a ton of people that enhanced my insecurities. Now my feed is mainly filled with inspirational, butterfly memes from my super Christian aunt in West Virginia.

In conclusion, embrace and love yourself.

And when you do, lock the door.