ACM/iHeart Radio Awards Play-By-Play By A Basic Gay
I don't like country music. I don't condone it. But my loving friend Melanie is a "dyed in the wool" redneck and I'm trying to be accepting of her lifestyle. Fortunately, my friend Tony is here mediating and providing periodic breaks by switching between honky-tonk hell and the iHeart Radio Awards on TBS. And then there's my friend Roxy, who's main objective is to have private time with Sam Hunt.
8:00 - The ACM's begin with "white teeth" & hottie giving a stilted opening that warranted 15 moans and 7 "oh boy"(s) from your's truly.
8:04 - Switched to the iHeart Radio Awards. Bieber is performing. He resembled a homeless woman I crossed paths with Saturday night. If only she had the Square app, I never carry cash.
8:27 - Chris Stapleton's acceptance speech; a mobile home reference is made. Seems appropriate.
8:34 - Selena Gomez voted "triple threat" at the iHeart Radio Awards?! Over Gaga?! I guess melodic speaking & Pantene ads are a bigger deal than I initially thought.
8:43 - Dierks is singing. Melanie ponders, "I wonder what he smells like"?
8:49 - Calvin Harris wins something. He pretty. And apparently Irish? Scottish? Scirish?
8:53 - Oh snap, Brad Paisley blew off the ACM's for iHeart. I understand.
8:59 - Back to the ACM's. The people dancing in the audience... no...
*9:00 - My friend Roxy on Demi Lovato, "There's something about her I don't like. It's probably her 80's power suit. Pretty sure she wore that to the Grammy's too." Ruthless.
9:07 - Justin Timberlake recanting Taylor Swift's life story. She's like this generation's Shania Twain. Sidebar, my dad cried over Shania Twain's biography. He proclaimed, "she's the ultimate American success story". To which I replied, "she's Canadian".
9:13 - Taylor thanked "Adam" in her acceptance speech. But Calvin didn't thank Taylor when he won earlier. The end is near?
9:20 - Little Big Town performs. I don't like the blonde's hair.
9:25 - Zoned out and checked Grindr; was asked about my "thoughts on scatting".
9:26 - Cracked open a bottle of wine and began to drink away my singledom.
9:39 - What's with all the kids on stage with Faith Hill's husband?
*9:46 - Charles Kelley & Magnum PI, separated at birth?
9:47 - Roxy, "why do back-up singers never match"?
10:04 - Sam Hunt performs. I feel a stirring, downstairs.
10:05 - The wine starts kicking in. Sam's ballad strikes an emotional chord and I contemplate if I'll die alone.
10:05:15 - Log back into Grindr... Geez, "scat man" is persistent!
10:21 - Tony leaves because we won't let him watch The Walking Dead. Do the characters on that show ever stop to bathe?
*10:28 - Katy Perry looks like she had a gift card to Dollywood's gift shop. Pigeon Forge, y'all! #CountryWonderWoman
10:34 - Katy Perry & Dolly Parton! Good Lord, it's raining rainbows & unicorns!
10:50 - Chris Stapleton is performing and I'm struggling to stay awake.
10:56 - Peace out and meet up with Grindr guy... He's a "fixer-upper"...