1. Running in slow-motion is the fastest way to get from point A to point B in an emergency.
2. CPR always works.
3. At most beaches, you're more likely to encounter eco-terrorists, yacht pirates, arms dealers, and/or diamond smugglers than you are to drown.
4. A real lifeguard can handle sharks, salt-water crocodiles, giant octopi, Portuguese men 'o war, electric eels, *and* Geraldo Rivera.
5. Don't express your feelings in words when a perfectly good montage set to '90s soft rock will do.
6. In addition to rescuing swimmers, lifeguards are trained to deliver babies, disarm nuclear devices, and judge bikini contests.*
7. Women have breasts. Large, beautiful breasts.
8. Posing for "Playboy" may hurt your reputation at work.
9. Australians are devious and can't be trusted.
10. Don't trust characters played by three different actresses, either.
11. The Santa Ana winds make people horny.
12. There's a "Charlie's Angel" in all of us.
13. Don't even think about committing a crime on the beach, bro.
14. The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.
15. History always repeats itself.
16. Mermaids, ghosts, aliens, Santa's elves, and "Gilligan's Island" are all real.
17. And on "Baywatch Nights," mummies, vampires, werewolves, demons, and sea monsters are real, too.
18. Lifeguards can drown, too -- but only if they're in the middle of a personal tragedy or crisis.
19. The world could use more Yasmine Bleeth.
20. Children who come to the beach are usually handicapped, orphaned runaways, and/or dying of cancer.
21. In their spare time, lifeguards take odd jobs as fashion designers, supermodels, film directors, soap stars, supernatural detectives, stunt doubles, marine biologists, "dancers," and Olympic athletes.
22. Lifeguards are prone to gambling addictions, eating disorders, and opioid dependence, and they require at least two episodes to be cured completely.
23. If you're lifeguarding without a dolphin, you're not doing it right.
24. A mustache never goes out of style.
25. And lastly, anyone can be a "Baywatch" lifeguard if they put their mind to it!
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