13 Cheap Alternatives To Buying Health Insurance

Because you're on a budget, and the Affordable Care Act may not be all that affordable.

1. Use Purell compulsively

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Because handshakes are deadly, and your gym has superbugs.

2. Eat an apple a day

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Allegedly, this will keep doctors away, and you can't afford to see them right now.

3. Drink lots of red wine

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Because it has antioxidants to lower your risk of coronary artery disease... also, it gets you drunk so you stop worrying about not having health insurance.

4. Instead of finding a doctor, follow @DrOz on Twitter

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Because sound medical advice can probably be boiled down to 140 characters or less, right?

5. Buy a first aid kit

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Make sure it has plenty of Bactine and salve!

6. Stock up on Airborne

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Because who needs clinically-proven antibiotics when you can take an effervescent, lawsuit-prone vitamin cocktail developed by a school teacher.

7. Instead of finding a doctor, play Dr. Mario

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It couldn't hurt, right?

8. Have a board-certified fourth grader give you a cootie shot

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Because it's free, and unlike the flu, cootie season runs year round.

9. Wear a surgical mask in public

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No one will think you're crazy or diseased -- they'll just think you're thrifty!

10. Instead of finding a doctor, start reading "Rex Morgan, M.D." in the Sunday paper

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I don't know what it's about, but it's got to be better than "Mary Worth."

11. Stop taking risks

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Because accidents are expensive.

12. Wear tissue-box shoes

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You can also hoard jars of your urine, but that's another matter altogether.

13. Never leave your house ever

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Because there are germs outside -- filthy, expensive germs.