6 Good Ways NOT To Sabotage Your Relationship 💔

Relationships are fertile ground for growth because they reveal our core wounds. (Ouch!) Without awareness of our patterns it's easy to sabotage partnerships unknowingly (and sometimes knowingly 🙄). Here are 6 tips from relationship experts to keep the love alive this Valentines Day.

1. Know Thyself

The more aware we are of our triggers, the more empowered we are to manage them. Terrified of abandonment? Hypersensitive to feeling trapped or taken for granted? See if you can reflect on destructive patterns and issues from previous relationships, and make a ‘hit list’ of situations to be aware of. Telling your partner the kinds of situations that might be challenging for you, and how you might want to be supported, is a good idea - so you have a plan to put into action when things start to happen. -Jo Ann Garcia-Warren, Certified Life Coach at Relish

2. Keep Your Tribe

One trap that we can fall into when we meet someone is to over-invest in the relationship - mentally, emotionally, physically - leaving our other relationships in the dust. Research tells us part of having a long lasting and healthy relationship involves having other friends, interests and hobbies - building up support outside of the relationship means that when things aren’t going well, we have other sources of support than our partner. So - as much as you might like to spend every second with your beloved - remember that investing in your other relationships is worth its weight in gold. - Caitlin Killoren, Relationship Coach at Relish

3. Let It Go

As much as we want to keep a mental tally of the times our partner has disappointed or upset us, the reality is that this is not particularly healthy for a relationship. Keeping score might feel good, but often it results in an unproductive conversation full of blame and recrimination. A better alternative is to pick your battles - if there is an issue that seems to be coming up frequently, or is really upsetting you - choose a time when you’re both calm, and think through what you want to say beforehand. Constant criticism can be wearing - if we choose a good time to have an important conversation, we are much more likely to be heard. - Briony Leo, PhD, Head Coach at Relish

4. Ditch The Fantasy

Many people struggle with the fact that their relationship doesn't look like they had imagined - perhaps their living situation is different, or their partner already has children from a previous relationship, or they are dealing with health issues or grief. This can be the source of stress, as the individual tries to figure out whether they should keep looking for that perfect partner. Often looking past these circumstances to the person you are with, and why you are with them, can really help to put things into context. Is there mutual respect, shared goals and values, and deep concern for each other’s wellbeing and happiness? These are the things that really tend to matter in a relationship, and will determine the quality of a relationship more than anything else. A long term relationship will always have its ups and downs for both people, but a supportive and caring partner can make all the difference. - Mark Williams, LMHC, Relationship Coach at Relish

5. Don't Dance With The Devil

Attachment styles are crucial in determining the quality and happiness of a relationship. Sometimes, relationships can be high conflict and stressful if your attachment conflicts with that of your partner - so see if you can learn more about your partner’s attachment style (secure, anxious, avoidant, fearful), as well as your own - and then learn more about how to work with each other’s attachment to bring out strengths. - Lesley Eccles, Founder of Relish

6. Rituals Matter!

One of the biggest issues that couples complain about is disconnection - the gradual growing apart that can happen over time - busy lives, stress, family issues and other commitments. Before we know it, we are sitting next to our beloved on the couch on a Friday night, both too exhausted to do anything but stare at our phones. While it can be tempting to settle down and assume the relationship will take care of itself, the reality is that separate lives often equals disconnection. Having a few activities that are non-negotiable (and enjoyable) each week is a great time to make sure that, whatever else is happening in your life, you are connecting with your partner in a special way each week. This might be heading out for a cocktail each Friday, or a Trivia night with friends on Wednesday evening - perhaps a show that you look forward to watching together each week or simply making coffee for your beloved each morning. These kinds of things become part of our routine so we don’t necessarily have to plan for them, but they re-invigorate and stabilize the connection and positive feelings and experiences. - Briony Leo, PhD, Head Coach at Relish