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1. Give this toilet mug to a potty mouth or shit talker.
Get it on Amazon for $12.99.
2. Bestow a recorder upon every child whose parents could use a little humbling.
Get it on Amazon for $17.30.
3. Name a star after -- and gift the "certificate of registry" to -- somebody materialistic, or like, practical.
Packages at Star Namer start at $14.95.
4. Tell someone "your home is gross" with these adorable dishwashing gloves.
Also available with engagement ring, skeleton hands, or finger tattoos.
Get them from Amazon for $9.75.
5. Honestly this one seems pretty universally insulting.
6. Give this darling book to someone who complains that they never get invited but will 100% flake if they are.
Get it from Amazon for $8.97.
7. Gift this masterpiece. Also pretty universally insulting.
Get it on Amazon for $2.98.
8. Give this plush, growling Chewbacca to a Trekkie.
Get it from Urban Outfitters for $26.
9. Give Operation to Dr. Insufferable who "didn't go through eight+ years of medical school to be called MISTER Insufferable, thank you."
Get it on Amazon for $19.99.
10. Give Will Maker software to anyone older than you.
Get it on Amazon for $29.99.
11. Say "I know you so well" with a 10-pack of white crew socks.
Get them on Amazon for $9.48.
12. Give this can of plush sausages or a plush roasted turkey with limbs that tear off to the children of self-righteous vegans.
13. Give this revolver-shaped egg mold to the Martha Stewart who has everything.
"Pull the trigger on a delicious breakfast."
Get it from Amazon for $6.49.
14. Say "hey your bathroom smells like a dead animal" with holiday Poo-Pourri.
Get it from Amazon for $8.89.
15. Give the gourmand who frowns upon hot dogs this acutely useless mechanism that smushes ground beef into the shape of hot dogs.
Get it from Amazon for $7.99.
16. Give this Sean John cologne to someone who should smell like what they are.
Get 4.2oz on Amazon for $33.35.
17. Give this smart egg tray to someone who, I swear to God, if they talk about how much millennials and technology are ruining humanity one more time . . .
Get it on Amazon for $13.80.
18. Give a parenting book to someone with kids, I dare you.
Get it from Amazon for $9.84.
19. Give a germaphobe or someone with an immaculate house this charming handmade soap.
Get it from shesthatgirl on Etsy for $6.50.
20. Give this bulbous snowman necktie to the Lord Disick in your life.
Get it on Amazon for $6.46.
21. Give a tween something they can only truly enjoy if it fulfills its purpose as a public eyesore in their parents' home.
Get it on Amazon for $16.91.
22. Set someone up on a much-needed blind date with their chakra with these yogi toy soldiers.
Get the set of nine from Urban Outfitters for $25.
23. Pay it forward by giving this gorgeous aluminum toothpaste squeezer to a relative that never misses an opportunity to complain about your generation's wastefulness.
Get it from Amazon for $7.99.
24. Give this garden ornament to your neighborhood 🐍.
Get it from Uncommon Goods for $85.
25. Let Pancho the Christmas Chihuahua sing "Feliz Navidad" to the uncle just itching to build a wall.
Get it from Amazon for $23.97.
26. Give unseasonal decorations to that fucker that finishes everything early and has to let everyone else on the struggle bus know about it.
Get them on Amazon for $9.99.
27. Give this Croc iPhone holder to your cousin who moved to the big city and has totally forgotten where she came from.
Get it on Amazon for $3.99.
28. And give someone the gift of never walking peacefully through their own house. Ever. Again.
Get it from Amazon for $28.38.
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