Dear [MAGAZINE THAT PAYS] editors,
I am a great fan of your output. [read: THE FACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY PAY.]
Over the years, your stories have moved me; made me laugh, made me cry. [YOU HUMAN? I HUMAN TOO!]
Magazines like yours are vital to the literary community. [YOU GUYS USE PAYPAL, RIGHT?]
I would like to submit the attached short story [SLOPPILY-TRUNCATED NOVEL LEFTOVER] for your consideration.
It is part of a longer collection developed during my MFA [ARE YOU HIRING EDITORIAL ASSISTANTS AT THE MOMENT?] and that all center around themes of family, loss, and the fragility of relationships. [PEOPLE IN KITCHENS, COLD COFFEE, ELLIPSES.]
It is a piece that is very near and dear to my heart [BE GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO GLIMPSE IT, YOU CORPORATE CONDÉ NAST STOOGE.].
I hope that it finds a home in your magazine. [MY STORY IS A PUPPY! DO YOU HATE PUPPIES?]
Thank you for reading,
[DIRECT ALL FUTURE PAYMENTS TO THE ATTENTION OF]