How Great Writers ACTUALLY Spend Their Time At The Computer

Find out what "I've Been Writing All Morning" really means.

1. Meticulously Assembling Their GOODREADS Reading List & AMAZON BOOKS Wish List

BECAUSE A GREAT WRITER should study the greats and this fool just gave a one-star review to David Mitchell's 'The Bone Clocks' and needs to be told some truths.

2. Checking SUBMITTABLE For Updates On Their Submitted Short Stories

BECAUSE A GREAT WRITER understands that patience is a virtue... and that rejection is the fuel of great art... and maybe get off your ASS and hire some more reading interns, Electric Literature!

3. Tinkering With That Genre-Defining First Novel (Release Date: May 2018)

BECAUSE A GREAT WRITER knows that the protagonist meets his long-lost sister at the train station... and then learns about the letter in the next chapter--no, wait--was it the other way around? ...GODDAMMIT, it was all so clear in my head last night!

4. Researching MFA Programs and Creative Writing PhDs

BECAUSE A GREAT WRITER does not require more than a $15,000 living stipend as long as (s)he gets to attend the occasional Zadie Smith reading... right?

5. Assessing The Competition By Googling Former Writing Workshop Classmates

BECAUSE A GREAT WRITER is secure enough to champion the work of fellow writers and their thinly-veiled biographies about their secretive dad and childhood tree house... or whatever the f*ck.

6. Reading a NEW YORKER Story To Understand Current Trends in "Literary Greatness"

BECAUSE GREAT WRITING apparently means cold coffee, hot beer, and a lot ellipses on a New England porch. The end.

7. Looking Up The Process To Becoming An English Lit Teacher

BECAUSE A GREAT WRITER understands that impressionable youths considering the craft need guidance and wisdom that only they can possibly provide.

8. Turning On An Internet-Blocking Software And FINALLY LETTING THE MUSE LOOSE! Woo!

BECAUSE A GREAT WRITER is capable of focus, restraint, and yes, only twenty-three minutes until you can tweet about your progress...maybe you'll even have gotten a couple of new followers!

9. Experiencing Vivid Bursts of Hope When Their Story Updates from 'Received' to 'In-Progress' on SUBMITTABLE

BECAUSE A GREAT WRITER is capable of unrelenting optimism that borders on delusion. Next stop, Oprah's Book Club, b*tches!

10. Momentarily Considering Going To LAW SCHOOL After All

BECAUSE GREAT WRITERS occasionally have very persistent mothers that forward LSAT newsletters to their inbox.