The Biggest Disappointments In (Nerd) Entertainment History, Part One

You waited years for the movie. The TV show's announcement had you quivering with anticipation. But then you got... THIS.

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)

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A bad idea. A misguided blunder. An unthinkable abomination. There are many ways to describe the infamous STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, yet none sufficiently capture the harebrained horror broadcast by CBS on November 17th, 1978.

The first dose of Star Wars since George Lucas redefined sci-fi cinema the previous May, the Special was eagerly anticipated; after all, Empire Strikes Back was still 18+ months away. Fans needed a fresh fix.

"It's my TV Special and I'll strut if I want to!"

It begins with a flicker of promise; Chewbacca—along with trusty pal Han Solo—is cruising through space, en route to his furry family's Life Day celebration. (Hey, Wookiees have holidays too, y'know!) Lo and behold, two pesky Star Destroyers turn up and force the duo into a snazzy hyperspace escape. "Woot! It's Star Wars!"

Nope. It's bollocks. These opening moments were but a heartless ploy, teasing the action-packed awesomeness that could have been. Instead, viewers faced a 97-minute onslaught of arse-bitingly awful variety TV—absurd writing, ghastly performances, and a Bolivian Marching Powder-fueled Princess Leia singing about, well, something.

She even misses the high note. It's like the most cringeworthy American Idol audition of all time, but with garbling aliens and bleeping robots swaying mindlessly alongside her. Not even Keith Urban could muster a positive from this performance…

Giphy / Via giphy.com

"Tired? Me? Nah. Carrie Fisher just sorted me out with a serious pick-me-up."

The Star Wars Holiday Special has never been rebroadcast, nor officially released on home video. For years it was considered something of a legend among fans, with anybody even vaguely involved with production dismissing its existence. But forever bury this stinker?

George Lucas should be so lucky.

Videotaped recordings of the original broadcast resurfaced in the early '90s, presenting to a new generation of viewers scene after scene of Wookiees grunting at each other—following the opening sequence, there's barely a word of comprehensible dialogue for nigh on 45 minutes. It's like an avant-garde vocal soundtrack to your most hellish nightmare.

“Yes, the show was a trifle disappointing. But YOU were fabulous, darling!”

Many declare Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace one of entertainment's all-time biggest let-downs. They ain't wrong. But compared to this, Jar Jar Binks and the gang offer up a bona fide masterpiece.

The Star Wars Holiday Special: In league with Satan.

WATCHMEN (2009)

Terry Gilliam once deemed Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons' tour de force of comic book storytelling unfilmable. Alas, Zack Snyder decided to prove him right.

Critically acclaimed, medium-defining, and put simply, bloody brilliant, WATCHMEN was on Hollywood's radar for one heck of a long time. At least four directors had been attached to the project (the aforementioned Mr. Gilliam among them), while stars including Tom Cruise, Daniel Craig and Arnold Schwarzenegger (considered to play the Silk Spectre, surely) were rumoured to be involved at various stages.

Still more fun than watching MAN OF STEEL...

Following the commercial success of 300 (based on the comic book series by Frank Miller and Lynn Varley), Zack Snyder was the man entrusted to make the movie a reality. As with 300, Snyder paid meticulous attention to the source material while crafting storyboards. This proved to be a BIG mistake. There's no doubt that Miller and Varley produced a visually striking and engaging story, but it was a far more cinema-friendly work than the dense, complex, multi-layered Watchmen. An authentic adaptation was unlikely at best; the end result was as distressing as a slap to the face with Dr. Manhattan's unblushingly exposed todger.

"So this is what happens when I get overly excited in zero gravity, eh?"

In fairness, Jackie Earle Haley is rather superb as Walter Kovacs/Rorschach. A long-time fan of the comic book, Haley understood his character and depicted the masked vigilante with suitably sinister swagger, doing all he could to salvage the cinematic calamity.

But the director's obsession in replicating what worked so brilliantly on the printed page proved to be his biggest downfall. At least, with THIS movie…

Sucker Punch soon followed. Spoiler alert: It's rubbish. Frightfully so. Then came Man of Steel. I still haven't recovered. (A superhero flick with a mostly inactive protagonist? Really?) Next up is Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice. I want it to be awesome. Really, I do.

But going by Snyder's recent track record? My optimism is in worse shape than my abs...

If Zack Snyder makes a MOVIE the bunny gets it, more like…

THE YOUNG INDIANA JONES CHRONICLES (1992)

Missed opportunities. We've all experienced 'em. And yet again, George Lucas proves just how frustrating they can be.

Indiana Jones is one of THE coolest characters in movie history. Raiders of the Lost Ark is an undisputed masterpiece. Temple of Doom, though flawed, is still a lot of fun, while The Last Crusade serves as one of cinema's finest sequels. As we all know, the film opens with a young Indy nabbing a Spanish conquistador's golden cross from dastardly grave robbers. A brilliant intro, positively pulsating with potential: If the fedora-wearing badass was already experiencing action and adventure in 1912—as a spunky 13-year-old, no less—what else did he get up to before helping North Indian villagers find a mystical stone in 1935?

If The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles are to be believed, he dedicated his time to boring the holy hell out of a teenage ME.

“Begone, flashbacks of a wasted youth! You will drown in a tsunami of alcohol!”

The show wasn't so much bad as criminally unsatisfying. Sure, it was designed to be educational, and was certainly more enjoyable than learning about historical oddities via a middle-aged school tutor wearing a suspicious stain-encrusted cardigan.

Cancel the show? Very wise indeed...

But far too often there was an unforgivable dearth of excitement; the ultimate action hero-to-be often shirked daring shenanigans in favour of standing around talking to whatever guest stars Lucas and co. could shoehorn into a given episode.

River Phoneix: Young Indiana Jones done proper.

Oh, and let's not forget the 'old' Indiana Jones. What the hell was THAT all about?! Let me clarify something: Indy does NOT become a grumpy, cranky George Hall. He matures into an elderly Han Solo!

Who, er, breaks his hip while filming The Force Awakens.

Flying the Millennium Falcon? Sure, it's cool. But NOTHING tops watching Nazi faces MELT!"