1.
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.
2.
"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?" "Bob... Would you please call our children by their names."
3.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
4.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I'm cool.
5.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist's window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
6.
I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please. "Sir, that is a sleeping bag" *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
7.
DATE: This place is so fancy ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before? DATE: Well, only when we didn't have a condom
8.
I don't understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It's much more awkward trying to return them. "She didn't like me."
9.
Seems like Hello Kitty should be a brand of condoms.
10.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
11.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
12.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year
13.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered 'that's the brand my daughter used'
14.
"Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course..." *Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
15.
*Condom Co* [ok, don't let them know ur a frog] "Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?" ME: Ribbit "Genius"
16.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
17.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes
18.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"
19.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don't want anymore children living on our street.
20.
I'm so committed to pizza that I've stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
21.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
22.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they're already in tiny little bags!