1.
hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
2.
[during sex] If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.
3.
A guy just revved his engine and drove off really quick so I had to chase him for three miles to tell him I don't want to have sex with him.
4.
HER: I've never known someone to google things during sex ME: we learned a lot though HER: you screamed "ostriches are faster than horses"
5.
[during sex] Him: it'd be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
6.
Him: Shall we have sex? Her: I want to wait til we're married Him: Ugh fine Priest: Shall I continue?
7.
*puts "Baby on Board" sticker on car so people will think I've had the sex*
8.
ME: Who's my little sex kitten? HER: *slowly pushes me off bed* ME: [from floor] That's right baby.
9.
My favourite school memory? Once during sex ed the teacher said 'some of you won't ever need to know this' and everyone turned to look at me
10.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO- ME: question JESUS: I- ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex? JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
11.
him: I wish you'd talk more during sex. me: Okay. [during sex] me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear him: please don't speak
12.
[during sex] ME: I'm Italian, how about you? HER: Finnish ME: Ok sure just give me a second
13.
[having sex] this is the best sex I've ever had her: ok let's take your bike helmet off tho
14.
*during sex Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed? Me: Nope. Way better. *pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
15.
[having sex] HER: talk dirty to me ME: I've been wearing the same underwear for weeks HER: no, I mean- ME: I drink my own bath water
16.
{during sex} Her: are you eating a taco? Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
17.
(Creating the platypus) God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts* Angel: What? God: You know *hip thrusts*
18.
BOSS: it says here that you're too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo? ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I'm also good with Excel
19.
ME: I'll put a sexy movie on DATE: Good idea *presses play* D: Shrek? M: omg embarrassing D: Haha M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2