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19 Tweets About Sex That You'll Hate Yourself For Laughing At

Get your shit together, Carol.

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hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol


[during sex] If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.


A guy just revved his engine and drove off really quick so I had to chase him for three miles to tell him I don't want to have sex with him.


HER: I've never known someone to google things during sex ME: we learned a lot though HER: you screamed "ostriches are faster than horses"


[during sex] Him: it'd be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*


Him: Shall we have sex? Her: I want to wait til we're married Him: Ugh fine Priest: Shall I continue?


*puts "Baby on Board" sticker on car so people will think I've had the sex*


ME: Who's my little sex kitten? HER: *slowly pushes me off bed* ME: [from floor] That's right baby.


My favourite school memory? Once during sex ed the teacher said 'some of you won't ever need to know this' and everyone turned to look at me


JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO- ME: question JESUS: I- ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex? JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*


him: I wish you'd talk more during sex. me: Okay. [during sex] me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear him: please don't speak


[during sex] ME: I'm Italian, how about you? HER: Finnish ME: Ok sure just give me a second


[having sex] this is the best sex I've ever had her: ok let's take your bike helmet off tho


*during sex Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed? Me: Nope. Way better. *pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs


[having sex] HER: talk dirty to me ME: I've been wearing the same underwear for weeks HER: no, I mean- ME: I drink my own bath water


{during sex} Her: are you eating a taco? Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?


(Creating the platypus) God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts* Angel: What? God: You know *hip thrusts*


BOSS: it says here that you're too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo? ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I'm also good with Excel


ME: I'll put a sexy movie on DATE: Good idea *presses play* D: Shrek? M: omg embarrassing D: Haha M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2