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13 Magical Facts About Sex In The Wizarding World

"I united the hallows."

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1. If you cast the Muffliato charm, nobody else can hear you getting down.

You want this wizard sex to be a private affair. An alternative is the Caterwauling charm, but that's far less subtle.
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You want this wizard sex to be a private affair. An alternative is the Caterwauling charm, but that's far less subtle.

2. You don't need to worry about dodgy erections, just Wingardium Leviosa your crotch and you've got more rock than Hogwarts castle.

Ron has some trouble with this spell, but fortunately he’s got Hermione to help him out these days.
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Ron has some trouble with this spell, but fortunately he’s got Hermione to help him out these days.

3. If you're a size queen or not quite confident with the dick you have, you can whisper "Engorgio" to make a bigger wave in that ocean.

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4. A witch or wizard blessed with A1 oral skills is known to give the Dementor's Kiss.

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Basically it means they suck so good it leaves you drained and kind of soulless for a minute.

5. Most witches and wizards know that to be petrified is a bad thing. But others low-key know it's just what happens when you see a real good dick.

"I saw his wand and plimpies* last night.""For real?""Yeah, it was A1, left me petrified."*The wizarding word for dick.
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"I saw his wand and plimpies* last night."

"For real?"

"Yeah, it was A1, left me petrified."

*The wizarding word for dick.

6. Using the charm Alohomora will unlock the vagina or butt, whichever path they want you to travel down.

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7. If you and your partner are feeling particularly kinky, you can try using "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS" as a bondage-style full body bind.

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This is a particular favourite of one Miss Hermione Granger, who seems somewhat of a professional at casting the spell. Poor Ron.

8. You can also try playing dress-up to add some extra non-muggle spice. Grab your dress robes, which you probably haven't worn since the Yule Ball, and do a "Hogwarts meets Beauxbatons" role play.

Advanced role plays include aurors and criminals, Minister for Magic and secretary, and Polyjuice Potion fanatasies.
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Advanced role plays include aurors and criminals, Minister for Magic and secretary, and Polyjuice Potion fanatasies.

9. In the wizarding world, the slang term for a threesome is "Peverell". It's also known as "uniting the hallows".

"I had a Peverell last night.""No way! Seriously?""Yep, I united the hallows."
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"I had a Peverell last night."

"No way! Seriously?"

"Yep, I united the hallows."

10. The Room of Requirement can basically be used as a sex room, like Christian Grey's Red Room.

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Harry might only be interested in hiding his Potions books in there, but when the teachers are feeling frisky, they put it to better use. And you wondered why Dumbledore was always smiling?

11. There are two types of orgasms. The first is the unaided orgasm, where the wizard basically makes his dick his wand, screams "STUPEFY" at the top of his lungs, and ejaculates everywhere.

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This can be dangerous, so basically be careful where you're aiming.

12. The second is the aided orgasm, in case you're finding it difficult for either you or your partner to reach climax. If all else fails, grab your wand (lol), say "Accio orgasm" and just like that, the job is done.

This is kind of cheating so don't use it unless absolutely necessary; nobody likes a lazy wizard who can't be bothered to make his witch (or wizard) feel special.
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This is kind of cheating so don't use it unless absolutely necessary; nobody likes a lazy wizard who can't be bothered to make his witch (or wizard) feel special.

13. And if the sex is really bad you can both agree to perform the Obliviate spell to make sure you both forget it ever happened.

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