So I'd been browsing Netflix for the best part of an hour, as you do when you're given too many options and can't choose between them. To end my troubles, I settled on an old classic: The Notebook.
But instead of rocking back and forth with gentle sobs as Allie and Noah's love story took place, I found myself thinking, Wow, everybody in this movie is actually an asshole.
Let's start with Noah, who in my opinion is the biggest asshole of the whole movie. The first thing he says to Allie is “wanna dance”, which is kinda rude when you take into account he knows she’s on a date with somebody else and doesn’t even preface that question with a simple, “Hello, hi, how are you?”
And then the big asshole move comes. Noah decides, after being rejected twice already, to run and jump on to a moving Ferris wheel and sit between Allie and her date.
But that's not even the biggest asshole move, because he then goes on to actually ask Allie out while her date is sitting right next to them, even though Allie has so far rejected all of his rather shitty advances.
Also, aside from Noah, a low-key asshole is the person running the Ferris wheel, who decides to stop the ride to tell Noah to get off. OK genius, how do you want him to get off when you've stopped them at the top?
But back to the main asshole, Noah, who decides to ignore the rules and jump on to the bar, where he then just hangs there to blackmail a terrified Allie into going on a date with him.
And then when Allie finally says yes to the date so he doesn’t just fall and die, he acts all cocky and smug like “Wow, ok, we’ll go out, calm down.” Honestly, Noah is an absolute asshole.
It’s worth pointing out that the ride attendant has just left them hanging this whole time. He’s not quite at Noah’s level of asshole yet, but he’s getting close.
The next time they see each other, Noah actually uses the line “When I see something, I gotta have it” to explain why he was so persistent. Honestly Allie, call the police.
So far this has mostly been about Noah, but he's not the only asshole. The next asshole is Allie’s supposed best friend, who goes ahead and sets up a double date night with Noah after Allie rejected every single one of his advances and explicitly said she didn't want to go out with him.
Moving on... I hate to be disrespectful but Allie’s mum is also an asshole. She calls Noah trash just because she doesn’t deem him suitable for her daughter, and let’s be honest, that’s based on the fact he doesn’t have money.
We haven't really discussed how Allie can be an asshole too, so here's an example. Whenever she gets mad at Noah, she slaps and pushes him, which isn't acceptable at all.
Back to Noah, King Asshole, who upon realising Allie is getting married to someone else, starts sleeping with Martha and being an asshole to her. She even says, “Sometimes when you talk to me you don’t even see me,” and she’s right, he’s just using her to take his mind off Allie.
But even though Allie's about to get married, she decides to go and see Noah, which is obviously a fantastic idea when you're almost a bride.
But even worse, she stays for dinner. And over dinner, Noah comments on her drinking by saying she should slow down because he doesn’t “want to have to take advantage of you”.
Fast-forward a little, and we have Allie and Noah sleeping together even though Allie has a husband-to-be at home, which is an asshole move on both sides.
Now, remember how I said Allie’s mum is a bit of an asshole? Well, here’s the big asshole moment of the movie. She hid a whole 365 letters Noah had written to Allie, and watched her daughter cry because she was heartbroken.
And then, to finish it off, Allie abandons the wedding and goes back to Noah forever. Some might think that’s cute and adorable, some might think she’s an asshole. I’ll let you decide that one.