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I Rewatched "The Notebook" And Why Is Everybody An Asshole?

This movie really isn't relationship goals at all.

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So I'd been browsing Netflix for the best part of an hour, as you do when you're given too many options and can't choose between them. To end my troubles, I settled on an old classic: The Notebook.

But instead of rocking back and forth with gentle sobs as Allie and Noah's love story took place, I found myself thinking, Wow, everybody in this movie is actually an asshole.

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Let's start with Noah, who in my opinion is the biggest asshole of the whole movie. The first thing he says to Allie is “wanna dance”, which is kinda rude when you take into account he knows she’s on a date with somebody else and doesn’t even preface that question with a simple, “Hello, hi, how are you?”

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Secondly, he assumes that Allie will want to dance with him, and when she says no, he asks why not. The lady said no, Noah – take the L and move on.

And then the big asshole move comes. Noah decides, after being rejected twice already, to run and jump on to a moving Ferris wheel and sit between Allie and her date.

But that's not even the biggest asshole move, because he then goes on to actually ask Allie out while her date is sitting right next to them, even though Allie has so far rejected all of his rather shitty advances.

Also, aside from Noah, a low-key asshole is the person running the Ferris wheel, who decides to stop the ride to tell Noah to get off. OK genius, how do you want him to get off when you've stopped them at the top?

But back to the main asshole, Noah, who decides to ignore the rules and jump on to the bar, where he then just hangs there to blackmail a terrified Allie into going on a date with him.

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And then when Allie finally says yes to the date so he doesn’t just fall and die, he acts all cocky and smug like “Wow, ok, we’ll go out, calm down.” Honestly, Noah is an absolute asshole.

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Under usual circumstances, I’d say Allie taking down Noah’s pants to embarrass him is an asshole move, but let’s be honest, he deserves it at this point.

It’s worth pointing out that the ride attendant has just left them hanging this whole time. He’s not quite at Noah’s level of asshole yet, but he’s getting close.

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Anyway, let’s move past the first scene because everybody’s an asshole and we haven’t got all day.

The next time they see each other, Noah actually uses the line “When I see something, I gotta have it” to explain why he was so persistent. Honestly Allie, call the police.

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"911, this is an absolute emergency. I have an obsessive stalker who literally won't leave me alone no matter how many times I say no."

So far this has mostly been about Noah, but he's not the only asshole. The next asshole is Allie’s supposed best friend, who goes ahead and sets up a double date night with Noah after Allie rejected every single one of his advances and explicitly said she didn't want to go out with him.

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She then spends the entire movie licking her man's face off, which makes them both assholes. Just watch the goddamn movie and stop putting everybody off their popcorn.

Moving on... I hate to be disrespectful but Allie’s mum is also an asshole. She calls Noah trash just because she doesn’t deem him suitable for her daughter, and let’s be honest, that’s based on the fact he doesn’t have money.

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I mean yes, Noah is an asshole, but she doesn't know that like we do. Yet...

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We haven't really discussed how Allie can be an asshole too, so here's an example. Whenever she gets mad at Noah, she slaps and pushes him, which isn't acceptable at all.

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I honestly don’t know what relationship goals everybody is talking about at this point.

Back to Noah, King Asshole, who upon realising Allie is getting married to someone else, starts sleeping with Martha and being an asshole to her. She even says, “Sometimes when you talk to me you don’t even see me,” and she’s right, he’s just using her to take his mind off Allie.

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Just to establish, Martha is a recent war widow, so she's vulnerable, too. If you look in the dictionary at the definition of a fuckboy, I guarantee Noah's face is there with a smug grin. Asshole.

But even though Allie's about to get married, she decides to go and see Noah, which is obviously a fantastic idea when you're almost a bride.

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If you're ever getting prepared for your wedding, a genius idea is to go and see your ex-boyfriend. What could possibly go wrong?

But even worse, she stays for dinner. And over dinner, Noah comments on her drinking by saying she should slow down because he doesn’t “want to have to take advantage of you”.

Now, remember how I said Allie’s mum is a bit of an asshole? Well, here’s the big asshole moment of the movie. She hid a whole 365 letters Noah had written to Allie, and watched her daughter cry because she was heartbroken.

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Not only that, but if she hadn't have hid the letters in the first place, we wouldn't be in this cheating-on-future-husband situation.

And then, to finish it off, Allie abandons the wedding and goes back to Noah forever. Some might think that’s cute and adorable, some might think she’s an asshole. I’ll let you decide that one.

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Obviously there are other moments of assholery, but I feel like we’ve covered the main points. Basically, everybody’s an asshole. The end.

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