As a gay man, one of the many things straight people seem obsessed with asking me is how we have sex. Because it's of course very different from how straight people do it...
BUT PANIC NO MORE, because I've managed to lay out all our secrets that you straight people are so obsessed with.
1. So yes, Sharon, naturally gay sex starts with watching an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
2. Nothing quite gets you in the mood for bum fun more than a lace-front wig and a cocktail in the Interior Illusions Lounge.
3. I’m literally horny thinking about it, but let’s continue.
4. After the lipstick’s been wiped off the mirror, blood is starting to flow to one place...
5. ...our hearts, as we mourn the loss of another fantastic drag queen.
6. Once the lip sync is over, we take things into the bedroom and really move things up a gear...
7. ...by re-creating the lip sync with perfect choreography and wig reveals to decide who’s taking it in the ass tonight.
8. In layman's terms, this is actually known as foreplay.
9. BUT WHERE ARE THE BLOW JOBS? I hear you scream.
10. Well, yes we get on our knees and look up into the eyes of our beloved.
11. And when they can’t take the tension any more, we do it...
12. ...we start singing.
13. A good blow job will require you to hold the penis at its base while singing into the head.
14. Song choice isn’t really important – it’s all about technique.
15. But if you want extra brownie points, then a diva number from the likes of Mariah or Whitney will take you far.
16. But that’s really for the advanced blow job giver, so best not to jump in the deep end just yet, Sharon.
17. So now you’ve given the perfect blow job, it’s probably time to get naked.
18. While straight people rip clothes off in the throes of passion, gay men stand side by side and remove each article of clothing with care and grace.
19. We spent all that time in the closet – we’re sure as hell not ripping anything off with reckless abandon.
20. The final preparation for gay sex is lube, of course.
21. For that, we tend to use the tears of unicorns.
22. We sometimes use the disappointment of the church, which is easy to get hold of as it’s so common.
23. Now, for the actual sex, we obviously like doggy.
24. Gay men invented that position, and then straights came along and ruined it, so let me explain how it’s traditionally done.
25. You get on all fours (duh).
26. And then just before he puts his penis in, you bark.
27. Just a lil' woof.
28. You can throw in some panting if you’re feeling nasty.
29. And to make sure you’re doing doggy right, you’re then required to race around the room, cocking your leg at regular intervals to urinate on the walls, before running back to your man for validation.
30. You’ll know when you did it right because your man will then pat you on the head and coo, “Who’s a good boy?”
31. No, you can’t say “I am”, Sharon, you’re meant to be a bloody dog and they don’t talk.
32. I honestly don’t know how you straight people have been doing doggy wrong for so long – the clue’s in the name.
33. Cum is another sticking point that you straight people seem to have fucked all the way up.
34. A gay man’s semen is scientifically proven to be made up of at least 69% glitter.
35. This is in comparison to a straight man’s semen, which has been recorded as being 81% “whoa bro, no homo”.
36. But admittedly these percentages can vary, so don’t quote me on that.
37. And then as soon as we orgasm, a rainbow appears over the bed as we resurface.
38. Followed by a shower of glitter that rains down on us to bind us together in gay sex forever.