1. London – a bit of land (£250,000)
2. Cambridge – one-bedroom flat (£224,950)
• The flat is in central Cambridge.
• You get an allocated parking space thrown in.
3. Oxford – one-bedroom apartment (£250,000)
• It's a period conversion, which just sounds pretty fancy.
• It's in a central location.
• There's a private garden out the back, and not all apartments have that.
4. Brighton – one-bedroom flat (£230,000)
5. Cardiff – two-bedroom apartment (£235,900)
• The flat is on Cardiff Bay, which means VIEWS.
• The building has a gym and swimming pool, so you can not go to the gym closer to home.
6. Manchester – two-bedroom flat (£250,000)
• The apartment is ON Canal Street. You can't get any more fabulous than that.
• There's only seven other apartments in your building.
• Work will be completed in March 2017, so it'll be brand-new.
7. Birmingham – two-bedroom apartment (£244,950)
• The open-plan lounge is basically the size of a one-bedroom house in London.
• You get fancy floor-to-ceiling windows looking out over the courtyard.
8. Edinburgh – three-bedroom cottage (£235,000)
• You get a pretty decent-sized garden.
• You're right near the goddamn beach.
9. Bristol – three-bedroom terraced house (£235,000)
• It's a Victorian-style cottage aka so goddamn cute.
• There's a separate dining room for all your hosting needs.
10. Belfast – three-bedroom semi-detached house (£170,000)
• Cheaper than anywhere else on the list.
• There's a loft room to escape to.
• You get to live among Irish people.
11. Newcastle upon Tyne – four-bedroom semi-detached house (£240,000)
• There are two en-suite bathrooms as well as a family bathroom.
• The master bedroom is on the second floor so you can get away from everybody else.
• Unsure if the telescope is included but it'd be pretty cool if it was.
12. Sheffield – four-bedroom detached house (£250,000)
• There are three reception rooms. I don't even know what that means.
• There are studio flats smaller than that conservatory.
13. Liverpool – four-bedroom townhouse (£250,000)
• The house is in a secluded area with some other townhouses.
• There are restaurants and bars within walking distance, which is of course important.
14. Nottingham – four-bedroom semi-detached house (£250,000)
15. Glasgow – four-bedroom detached house (£238,500)
• Four goddamn bedrooms? That means your dogs could have their own rooms.
• It's described as a "villa", which sounds fancy and exotic AF.
• There's also a formal dining room so you can be extra and start hosting weekly dinner parties.