9 Ways To Show Your Furniture You Care

Are you putting enough love into your love seat?

1. Be kind to your furniture.

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Positive reinforcement has been proven to cause feelings of deep and unconditional loyalty in most furniture. An encouraging word or two before bed is all it takes to make owning furniture the most rewarding thing you've done all week.

2. Emit a low moan whenever you see a stain on your armoire or divan.

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Much like baby birds, divans respond well to verbalized expressions of distress. The lower frequency of the moan, the better.

3. Increase the number of yellow non-furniture objects in every room.

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Furniture tends to feel less threatened by bright, vibrant colors. Yellows and bright greens can help your writing desk or davenport to feel secure and well-rested.

4. Keep all surfaces harmonious, and all orifices robust.

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This one should be obvious.

5. If you should ever enter your abode after midnight, remember to get down on all fours and apologize to each piece of furniture in turn.

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It is optimal if you can shed real tears at this point.

6. Ruin your relationships with other people.

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Furniture is a capricious beast. You might be sitting peacefully on your recliner when suddenly it starts lecturing you on your whereabouts the night before. It is best to cut off all contact with the outside world beyond the essential human contact necessary for survival.

7. Try to eat everything.

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Your chaise longue will thank you.

8. If you should find yourself at a party, stop the music and break out your guitar.

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Your ottoman can't see it, but it can sense your dedication.

9. Above all, NEVER let a rhododendron near your furniture.

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Rhododendrons are furniture's natural enemy. Your futon will be extremely hostile toward a rhododendron and may even turn violent.