We hope you love our recommendations! Some may have been sent as samples, but all were independently selected by our editors. Just FYI, BuzzFeed and its publishing partners may collect a share of sales and/or other compensation from the links on this page.
1. A set of LED light saber chopsticks to make fights over the last dumpling extra dramatic.
2. A giant tongue so you can get really intimate with your cat.
3. A pair of hoodie-adorned dolls you'll have a ton of fun posing and cuddling up with.
4. A miniature wacky waving inflatable tube man — you can learn some great moves from this guy.
5. A Shrek toothpaste cap to make all your TikTok dreams (or nightmares?) come true.
6. And a Shrexy patch to honor the internet's favorite thirst trap.
7. A book on fashion cats from Japan's #1 cat tailor. If you don't get tons of style inspiration from this, then what are you even doing?
8. A toilet keychain with a liftable lid, because losing your keys can be so shitty.
9. A matching bonnet set for you and your cat because you both wanna protect your hair while taking long cat naps.
10. A keychain shaped like a classic Ikea bag sure to either bring back fond memories of eating Swedish meatballs or horrible flashbacks to melting down in the outrageously long checkout line.
11. A "swarm of chickens" dice set featuring a hen D20, six chick dice, and one egg die. Now you can be annoying and say "oh, cluck no!" whenever you roll a critical fail.
12. A pack of squishy narwhal toys you'll make a point of squeezing every day.
13. A fun book filled with comics that tell you what you already know: Cats are weird.
14. A squirrel bungee cord so you can introduce your local fauna to extreme sports.
15. A box of bubble wrap sheets to proudly display wherever someone more sensible might put a tissue box.
16. A Gummy Venus de Milo iron patch that I STRONGLY suggest you iron onto the seat of your pants.
17. A pair of fish-shaped sandals for fisherfolk, marine biologists, aquarium lovers, and anyone who appreciates a weird but cool accessory.
18. A decal for your mirror in case you need a little Kris Jenner-style encouragement to start your day.
19. A guide book to the flatulence of the animal kingdom. Do salamanders fart? Look it up!
20. A doormat so your guests know you're still missing Vine.
21. A Nintendo desk lamp that recreates Mario smacking a question block with his little jump move. It doesn't make any noise, but that's OK, you can provide your own.
22. A hen purse you shouldn't chicken out of buying.
23. A sullen cat candle worth hanging out with on your bad days because misery loves company.
24. A pair of socks featuring Kevin spilling chili that you can look at for comfort whenever you think you had a day.
25. An infectious disease coloring book oozing with hours of gross relaxation. This purchase is nothing to sneeze at.
26. A burger bicycle bell for biking in the neighborhood or making late-night trips to McDonald's.
27. A tote bag from the Bobby Hill Self Defense Dojo so you can confidently yell "that's my purse! I don't know you!" whenever you're in a jam.
28. And some Dale Gribble pocket sand that'll help you get out of uncomfortable situations. Sh-sh-SHAA!!
29. A simple black mug with an important secret message that reveals itself when you add a hot drink.
30. A sweatshirt featuring the — quite frankly — iconic words that will bring you one step (out of many) closer to finally getting your hands on the Krusty Krab formula.
31. A helpful guide on teaching your dog relativity, something that Fido really should know by now.
32. A small or giant plush for the worm-on-a-string-loving teen in your life. Dear Gen Z, why do you love these squiggly pals so much?
33. An ironic Dracula garlic crusher ready to mince several cloves with a simple twist of his head. I'd wager this is easier to clean than a traditional garlic press AND it's cute.
34. A pet moss ball that comes with a teeny-tiny cowboy hat, because accessorizing is so important. OK, let's get it out of our system: Yeehaw!
35. How to Appear Normal at Social Events — a very important book detailing all the ways you can hide your shrieking weirdness.
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