1. A Satisfyer Pro 2 that simulates oral sex and comes in a variety of settings that range from what I would describe as "light rain" to "Zeus furiously hammering down upon your clit."
2. A fishy friend with nine vibration speeds, so solo play or penetrative sex can really blow you out of the water.
5. A transparent, 7-inch, suction dildo making it crystal clear what you'll be doing all afternoon once your package arrives.
6. Fluorescent wax play candles shaped like penises so your heat play can look like the inside of a kinky laser tag arena.
8. A pretty personal wand massager with 20 patterns and eight vibration speeds sure to tickle you pink.
9. A mini bullet vibe in the trendy royal blue color that everyone (myself included) has been obsessed with lately. With three speeds and soft ABS plastic, you certainly won't feel blue after buying this tiny friend.
10. A contrasting color vibe that honestly looks more like lip balm than a battery-powered massager that's gonna deliver major pleasure wherever you are.
11. A glass dildo for anyone who might have gotten a little turned on after watching the music video for Katy Perry's song "E.T." This wiggly, galactic massager can be used externally or internally, and will rocket you right into space.
12. A lavender suction toy that honestly looks like it was designed in an enchanted field of wildflowers. The pastel color! The soft lines! This is a thing of ethereal beauty.
13. A Maude personal massager that looks like some super classy aliens invented it. The three-speed vibe offers earth-shattering orgasms without offending your minimalist sensibilities.
14. A biodegradable bullet vibe so you can get off and lower your carbon footprint at the same time. Nothing sexier than saving Mother Earth.
15. An elegant and discreet vibrating ring that comes in silver or electroplated 18k gold. Now you can say "I do! ...want to have an orgasm, thank you."
16. Dame's hands-free vibrator with little wings that tuck in to the labia so vaginas can get stimulation during penetrative sex. Consider this waterproof device a silicone angel.
19. A flame shaped Pixie with prongs that'll hug your clit and set your body on fire with a red hot orgasm.
20. The beloved Bender — a multi-speed, waterproof vibrator that can contort itself like a gymnast to satisfy wherever needs some stimulation. It's basically a pleasure-giving piece of taffy.
22. A wearable vibrator that comfortably wraps around the penis and perineum for a longer and more intense erection. You can also download an app so a partner can control the fun.
23. A glow-in-the-dark cock ring to prove that turning the lights off during sex can be more exciting.
24. A classy necklace simple enough that no one would ever think is secretly a vibrator. A step up from Tiffany's jewelry, tbh.
25. Bellesa's Diskeet Air, which is their most discreet model but don't worry — it's also their most powerful suction vibrator. Its clamshell case makes it easy to subtly travel with.
28. A pair of spiral nipple clamps to elevate your pleasure and your style. Being naked doesn't mean you can't still accessorize.
29. Lelo's Sona sonic massager that promises to give every part of your clit the attention it deserves.
30. A powerful wireless wand vibe that's waterproof, so you can take this thing seriously anywhere you need it. Prepare to get really pruney from sitting in the tub for two hours.
31. And a bright yellow vibe with a rounded tennis ball head that works for both internal and external pleasure so you can yell louder than a professional tennis player (real loud!).
Reviews have been edited for length and/or clarity.