13 Indisputable Truths About Emails In The Workplace

Hell hath no fury like a semi-colon scorned!

1. Some people just don't know when to stop chiming in on those meant-to-be-funny "reply all" chains.

Via giphy.com

If in doubt, SHUT YO MOUTH!

These painful, never-ending chains are often kicked off when a superior employee sends a 2-3 word quip through to the longer chain. Eager to impress, that exec's direct reports scramble to send a quip out in response. This continues, seemingly forever. Occasionally a cheeky employee further down the ladder will chime in with a lengthy anecdote that still (loosely) ties in with the theme of the thread. This individual is either clueless or teeming with confidence. In any case, the higher-ups are a little unsettled by this, so they continue with their replies. It's a vicious cycle.

Typically, though, it felt tired before it ever began, and the majority of recipients on the chain are silent and praying their chatty coworkers spill coffee on their keyboards.

2. Others are simply incapable of letting anyone else hit that final send.

Via giphy.com

Looking at all you reply-all abusers out there! Were you just unable to stop yourself from writing "k" to a chain of 36 people?

There's something gratifying about the sound of keys typing and the "whoosh" that comes with hitting send, but silence (even internet silence) can be golden.

3. Other people will forward ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!

Via tumblr.com

It's hard out there for a publicist, but they're not playing around with these releases! Inevitably, you'll have a few coworkers who forward along a few dozen completely irrelevant pitches they receive on a daily basis.

Fun tip, though: Look for the ones who've deleted the PR person's contact info! I mean, nothing says, "I'm professionally insecure" like trying to keep the toilet paper rep's email address all to yourself!

(In all seriousness, I like the kind with the bears. Anybody got a hookup?)

4. Self-promoting is a necessary evil, but only keep essential people on the recipients' list.

Via theseareourtopfive.tumblr.com

Listen, you've got to toot your own horn, but familiarize just your superiors with your recent accomplishments. Your peers and those beneath you on the food chain might not respond well. From their POV, you're taking a selfie, resting on the laurels they helped you earn.

On the flip side, superiors should send their reports compliments directly over email. It's the real-life equivalent of a good report card to hang on the fridge.

5. Passive-aggressive BS and subtle disses are often the norm.

Via giphy.com

But rise above! You'll drive yourself insane if you try and interpret every slyly italicized word or unnecessary set of quotes. Some employees' moods are reflected directly through their punctuation, while others sole feeling of power comes from typing SUGGESTIONS BELOW in a red font.

Life is...too short. (That ellipsis meant nothing, BTW, and it never will unless you start giving power to petty punctuation.)

So don't fixate on the weird little digs. Do your job.

6. Never ever confess to any wrongdoings (mischevious or otherwise) over email.

Via mesamiesmesamoursmesemmerdes.tumblr.com

Save your drunkity-drunk secrets for the bar. Depending on where you work, you never know who might be pouring through your emails. Why incriminate yourself in the first place, though?

HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE SONY HACKS?

7. The bad and ridiculous stuff that gets sent around is sometimes hilarious...

Via fun-mbti-analysis.tumblr.com

But read it, delete it and type/text of it no more. Whether it's a horrifically un-PC chain letter from someone's relative or an actual internal email that's making the rounds, it's bad news.

Fortunately (thank the office gods above), cute animal pictures and videos are completely kosher in the workplace.

8. People will send massive, inbox-clogging attachments...often multiple times.

Via bezdddakota.tumblr.com

These people are either A) Idiots or B) Satantic spawns. There are countless file-sharing sites. Dropbox, Google Drive, ShareFile, YouSendIt---that's just a few. Familiarize yourself with a few of them if you don't want to become a workplace pariah.

FYI, this is the kind of stuff they should teach in school...

9. A lot of people don't realize how their words come off over email.

Via prettyinprink.tumblr.com

So when they make complete asses of themselves, relish in the simple joy this gives you. The thrill is even greater if any of the aforementioned asses are haughty, pretentious or otherwise irksome in any capacity.

No matter how much joy this brings you, though, don't forward it. And if you must pass it along (to someone you presumably trust with the future of your future unborn children), don't add ANY insightful commentary.

(A Jim Halpert smirk issued IRL to the imaginary camera is allowable.)

10. There are still people who would rather do EVERYTHING on the phone.

Via replygif.net

The majority of the time, this is not efficient. Also, it forces you to engage in smalltalk and pleasantries that could've otherwise been avoided (and given you more time to look at pugs on bicycles or whatever it is you're into). BUT, some people will insist on doing business over the phone. Always follow up with an email confirming what was established on the phone.

Also, if someone you've been emailing suddenly wants to do everything by phone, ask yourself why? It might make sense (if it reduces the number of exchanges, etc.) but occasionally it's a cunning move on their part to avoid their actions/intentions being "on the record" in such a searchable way.

Just watch your own back, and if you're unsure, quote the conversation over email and make the person confirm. Accountability, bitches!

11. It's obnoxious to shout, "PLEASE CONSIDER THE ENVIRONMENT BEFORE PRINTING THIS EMAIL" in your signature.

Via weknowgifs.com

I care about the rainforest, too, thankyouverymuch. But formatting Outlook to preach for you hundreds if not thousands of times per week is a little MUCH. Also, putting this holier-than-thou note in your signature is essentially slapping an "I LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker on your car. The eyes of God (and your co-workers) are upon you.

Prepare for judgment day when you decide to get your coffee in a paper cup.

12. It's imperative to reply to specific inquiries in a timely manner.

Via mesamiesmesamoursmesemmerdes.tumblr.com

It's completely uncool to leave someone hanging. This varies in every line of work, but if someone can't move forward with their work without something or other from you, don't take your sweet time getting back to them. And if it's going to take some time to get together your response, say you're working on it and will get back with what's needed by a projected time.

When someone leaves you hanging, you're expected to have a moderate amount of patience. However, depending on the direness of the situation (and any after work plans you have waiting), you're more than entitled to reach this person via desk phone, cell phone, Twitter, Instagram, Skype and real life until given the information requested.

Only in desperate times may you CC superiors. We're talking end of times, is Tom Cruise coming to save me....

13. No emojis allowed!

Via tumblr.com

It doesn't matter if you're writing from your phone, OK? This one's a big NO! Save the smiling poop and fluttering hearts for your friends--no exceptions.

Don't try going old school with this either. The ":)" smiley, while will-intentioned, comes off as fraudulent, condescending, or at best, simplistic.

YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL, BOO! ;-)

XOXOXO, Your Fav

Right? [email redacted]