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I Am Not Happy About Lumière In The New "Beauty And The Beast"

What have they done to him??

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You remember the old Lumière from the original animated Beauty and the Beast?

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Surprisingly attractive candlestick with a sexy French accent?

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Be honest, you would.

The guy who gave a generation of children confusing feelings about being strangely attracted to an inanimate object? You remember him.

He was lurvely.
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He was lurvely.

But then 2017 came along with its live-action Beauty and the Beast remake, and I'm sorry but who the fuck is this guy?

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Just no.

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This is not Lumière. What have they done with Lumière?

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The Lumière we knew and loved has been replaced by a weird metallic imposter.

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The old Lumière – the real Lumière – had a super expressive face. That was, like, his whole thing! It's what made him so charming and funny.

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The new Lumière's face BARELY MOVES.

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It's like because he's meant to be made of metal, they decided he should have an accurately limited range of facial expressions.

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IT'S A FUCKING FAIRY TALE WITH MAGICAL TALKING FURNITURE, IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE ACCURATE.

But the main issue is that I don't fancy the new Lumière.

He just looks like a candlestick.
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He just looks like a candlestick.

A boring brass candlestick.

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I mean, OK, he's kind of cute when he turns into Ewan McGregor at the end.

But that's for, like, one minute, so it doesn't count.
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But that's for, like, one minute, so it doesn't count.

For 99% of the time, live-action Lumière is very candlesticky and not attractive, and it nearly ruined the film.

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Nearly – but NOT! Because the new film is amazing, and you have to go and see it.

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Just prepare yourself to find a new crush because Lumière is not the one any more.

You're probably better off channeling that energy into the Beast.

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I mean, he's disgusting but that never got in the way of a kinky crush, right?

  1. But what do you think? Would you ~you know~ with the new Lumière?

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    Correct
    Incorrect
    No, the new Lumière is weird
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Yes, the new Lumière is hot
    Correct
    Incorrect
    They're both sexy tbh
    Correct
    Incorrect
    This whole thing is sick, wtf is wrong with u?
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But what do you think? Would you ~you know~ with the new Lumière?
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