11 Types Of People Who Go On "Come Dine With Me"

"I just think your chicken was a bit unambitious.”

1. The shit-stirrer who loves attention.

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They love to play devil's advocate, and smile wryly at the camera saying something like, “It’s been a bit boring so I might try to liven things up a bit tonight.” Then they’ll declare something ridiculous at the table like women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, and have a massive, shit-eating grin when everyone gets annoyed at them. They describe themselves as “a card” or “a character”. Everyone else describes them as a twat.

2. The really picky eater.

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They hate something really popular like pepper or fish, and wince and pull a face while reading the menu. They'll unwillingly try the host's food but rather than politely eat a little bit, will spit it out dramatically as if they've been fed poison.

3. The person who has a surprise collection of sex toys in their cupboard.

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She seems so normal, in her little suburban semi with the neatly trimmed garden. But when the guests venture upstairs for a rootle around her bland, beige bedroom, they discover a frightening mother lode of dildos, whips, and negligees in the cupboard.

4. The tactical one.

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They’ll seem nice and friendly, but when it comes to giving a score, they will say something like, “I had an amazing time, absolutely lovely, I just can’t fault it. I'm giving them a 6.” Their plan usually backfires because they've failed to consider that they're still shit at cooking, and they rarely win.

5. The person who's really, really bitter about losing.

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When the winner is declared and all the losers do their piece to camera, most of them will smile and go, “Well, the best person won”, or, “If I didn’t win I’m glad they did.” But one person will be completely sullen-faced, say that they don’t understand, and that the whole thing was a farce.

6. The truly terrible cook.

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Have they ever set foot in a kitchen until this moment? The moment they have to cook for four strangers on national television? Perhaps not. EVERYTHING goes wrong. The meat doesn’t defrost in time, then it burns. The sauce explodes out of the blender, but it was curdled anyway so it’s probably for the best. The host makes a last-minute dash to Sainsbury’s for a pie that they attempt to pass off as their own, but the guests are suspicious. “Did you make this yourself? It’s very impressive."

7. The person who literally does not give a fuck about the dress code.

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The dress code is movie characters but John from Tunbridge Wells isn’t having any of that. He’ll show up as normal and end up looking more out of place than the people in fancy dress.

8. The person who hosts a really ~quirky~ dinner.

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Everyone has to wear togas, and the night begins with an awkward round of proseccos, during which the host brings their mate around to serenade the guests with a ukulele. In between the main course (chilli chicken noodles) and the dessert (raspberry cheesecake) the guests are “surprised” with a pole dancing session in the conservatory. No one is drunk enough except the host, who laughs uproariously while sliding up and down the pole. They don’t win.

9. The people who hate each other and it all goes to shit on the last night.

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“I hate obnoxious people,” one of them will say. Cut to the other one saying, “I’ve been told I can be a bit obnoxious...” Over the week there’ll be lots of passive aggression, while they say things like, “Well, John, I don’t think Angela’s lamb was under-seasoned at all, and maybe nobody cares what you think.” At the end of the week, they'll have an all-out war about profiteroles and ruin someone else’s night.

10. The sleazebag.

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He’s a self-confessed lothario who’s “irresistible to the ladies”. Which is strange, because all the ladies here are repulsed by his creepy innuendos and pervy moves. Eventually someone calls him out for being disgusting, and he goes quiet and sad for the rest of the week. It’s so unfair when women “don’t get the joke”.

11. The person who only reveals they're an absolute dick after their night.

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They host their dinner fairly early in the week, are warm to the other contestants, make polite chat, and don't cause much fuss. They serve nice food and keep the wine flowing. But once their night's over, they change, and start saying things like, “Well, Joanna, I just think your chicken was a bit unambitious.” They award everyone really low marks, and snoop through contestants' knicker drawers before bringing a childhood photo of the host downstairs and mocking it. They often win the show.