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i was so high that i thought gpa meant grade point average and then i realized she meant her grandpa who is dead
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At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread
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Can't stop looking at this photo of a cat falling off a table.
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bob is dead
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me: hi do you take walk-ins the morgue: what
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Korean streetwear speaks to me on an emotional level
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[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
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Put this in your pocket when you go to get baptised
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Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks. "Congrats" on your baby. Congrats on "your" baby. Congrats on your "baby".
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Facebook: Essential oils. Snapchat: I'm a bunny! Instagram: I ate a hamburger. Twitter: THIS COUNTRY IS BURNING TO THE GROUND.
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Autocorrect saved my job again
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This May Be My Last Tweet
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Me: have a nice day sir *guy leaves store, gets hit by car crossing street* *i run out, kneel beside him* what did I just fucken tell you
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Millennial: your generation got houses and jobs Boomer: yes but we lived with constant fear of nuclear winter Millennial: hold my avocado
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I'm being proactive rn with this whole north korea thing, that's right, I'm on the toilet with a cowboy hat so I can leave a funny skeleton
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Can't lose the 2020 election if there is no 2020.
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My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."
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Mental what a couple a fairy lights can do, ye could put them on a deed body n id be like omg that's fucking lovely get that on ma Instagram
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Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL
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My friend's cat is out here trying to collect some insurance money.
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MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead* MUGGER: ??? ME: I'm thinking.