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18 Crap British Foods Americans Wouldn't Understand

Warning: contains NSFW photo of a battered sausage.

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1. The glory that is hot, buttered white toast.

Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

Ideally from a shabby caff, on a cold wet day. The toast has so much butter on it that if you fold it, beautiful shiny oil drips down your fingers. This is food to fuel poetry, philosophy, and great art.

3. Jelly and Carnation milk.

Twitter: @gingerjackson

Pretty fucking bizarre when you try it for the first time, but very moreish. The evaporated milk is weirdly salty next to the jelly's sweet, watery blandness. An insane nostalgia trip for anyone who ate it at their nan's house every Sunday for years.


5. Heinz tomato soup with hot, buttered soldiers.

Twitter: @spoonfulofsugr

"Soldiers" are narrow slices of hot, buttered toast, which we have established is the cornerstone of all great crap British food. Heinz might be American, but its tomato soup definitely has a British passport. It's typically eaten when you are slightly cold and damp from the terrible British weather, and is literally one of the best foods of all time.

6. Rich tea and tea.

Twitter: @dplpreprep

Rich teas are one of those biscuits you don't think you want, but as soon as you eat one you remember it's the best biscuit of all time. You have no idea what you've been doing with your life, but it certainly hasn't involved eating enough rich teas. A succesful dunk is a fine art which few British people have yet mastered, but it's nice to have life goals.

7. Bacon butty.

Twitter: @colesheena1

Three to four rashers of bacon, slightly browned from the pan, shiny with salty-grease that soaks into the soft white bap. Ideally served with a cup of tea in a wet field somewhere. Brown sauce optional.

8. Bird's custard.

Twitter: @Garneredtweets

The best custard in the world isn't made with Madagascan vanilla pods, it's made with a heaped spoon of Bird's custard powder and water. The watery base note in the custard exists in glorious harmony with its sweet yellow gloopiness.


9. Cheese on toast.

Twitter: @Anna__Jaques

The gooey, stringy, melty, salty strands of cheese are truly a religious experience. Jazz up with a splash of Lee and Perrins Worcester Sauce, a blob of ketchup, or even some Cholula hot sauce if you're feeling really adventurous.

11. Chip butty.

Twitter: @jamesaeddleston

Definitive proof, if proof were needed, that carbs + carbs = culinary perfection. Take a heap of oily, salty, proper chip-shop chips and place inside soft, white, buttered bap. Close bap, take bite, and slip into a state of ecstasy.

12. Fish finger sandwich.

Twitter: @bluemozza

Fish fingers must be Birdseye, bread should be soft, thick, buttered, but never toasted. The fish fingers should be hot enough that they melt the butter on contact. Ketchup adds a sweet, zingy dimension to the sandwich. True rebels add tartar sauce and even mayo. The whole thing should be so soft and yielding that it sticks to the inside of your teeth when you take a bite.


13. Rice pudding.

Twitter: @gooseykitchen

Another cold, wet, Sunday staple. The best rice pudding is home-made, and slightly burnt on top with a brown skin. Second best is value-range rice pudding in a tin, which has the requisite delicious blandness.

14. Warm sausage roll.

Twitter: @MarcusRay0

The cheaper the sausage roll the better. The pastry should be buttery and flakey, and the sausage meat should be soft and either pale pink or pinky-grey. Gastropubs can shove their poncey 90% pork meat sausage rolls, they've got nothing on these true British champions.